(Shoop by Djembe Joe)

Over 50 Scientologists attended the annual grand opening of the Los Angeles Org. This year’s theme was the Org as the “Golden Deluxe Ideal Ark of the Covenant Org.”

COB RTC David Miscavige, 88 years of age, spoke for three hours about “the good old days before the attacks” when Scientology actually stood for something, this although no one seems to remember what it stood for. Scant applause greeted COB’s remarks.

COB, who was breathing from his medical oxygen bottle, spoke of the need to join the “$2.00 a Week 4 COB Club” to help pay for the portion of his medical oxygen not covered by Medicare. And then there the costs of COB’s six month “refreshers” with his robot plastic surgeon Dr. Atari XV of Beverly Hills.

“We had to sell off Flag Land Base and the Orgs after we lost tax exemption back in 2017-2018,” the Chairman wheezed. “So here we are back in Hollywood where we started back trillions of years ago on the wholetrack. And if things don’t improve we’ll have to sell off this place real soon and put the Org in the Hacienda Trailer Rancho down there in Hemet”:

Tom Cruise, who was not in attendance because he was filming Mission Impossible: Lower Intestinal Surgery at Age 88 sent his representative Buddy Nadbag, executive producer of the 2016 film classic Davy CrackPott, a heroic telling of COB’s life.

Three OT’s with Alzheimer’s wandered off during COB’s presentation and are now lost and believed to be in or around the area. Identifiable by their OT-Medical Alert bracelets, citizens are asked to call the Org if these OT’s are located.