“Pictures don’t lie,” said Valley Ideal Org Executive Director Ken Delusion. “Our Org is leaning. The entire building slopes towards Burbank Blvd.
“This sloping of the building interfered with yesterday’s meeting of the Emergency Plenary Committee on Excess Carpeting & Floor Space. Water bottles kept falling over. Speakers had to stand at unnatural angles to compensate.
“A wog geological engineering firm we hired was able to determine the ‘Why’ for why the Org is leaning,” Delusion noted. “It seems that the 1,500 trillion metric tons of unsold Basics libraries in the basement has caused a failure in the ground beneath the Org.
“But what can we do?” Delusion lamented. “COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige long ago ordered the Valley to take in and store in our basement all of the unwanted Basics libraries produced by Bridge Publications each day. This has been going on for ten years now.
“As a consequence, the Valley Org now owes Bridge Publications over $250,000 trillion dollars for these Basics libraries. Worse, the City of Los Angeles is demanding that we fix the problem. We have no money and only a tiny handful of staff. The solution, per the Founder, is to fix it using Scientology. But how can we do this when Scientology caused the problem in the first place? Color me hopeless,” Delusion concluded.
The Scientology Emergency Plenary Committee on Excess Carpeting & Floor Space Meets to Discuss the Crisis
“Scientology’s straight up and vertical expansion over the years has created a crisis of excess carpeting and floor space,” declared ED Daphne Dimwit of the San Fernando Valley Ideal Org.
“The carpet cleaning and maintenance bills are killing us here at the Valley Org,” lamented ED Dimwit. “We have a cavernous empty main room that was only used once this past month — and that was for a half-day photo op of the Emergency Interfaith Committee.”
“We at the Valley Org would be so much better off selling the building to a real church and just meeting over at Nancy’s house once a month. The same is true of the other Ideal Orgs. They’re all just so big and empty.”
Scientology Butthurt Cream is indicated for butthurt pain levels of 2.0 or greater. What are some examples of when a Scientologist needs to use Scientology Butthurt Cream? Below are three scenarios:
Scenario 1: Your new mobster movie just scored 0 on Rotten Tomatoes and you’re the laughingstock of Hollywood. That’s some serious butthurt pal! And it has a pain level of 2.0 or higher! What to do? Bend over and have your 2D apply Scientology Butthurt Cream liberally to soothe the burning and irritation.
Scenario 2: You’re a global ecclesiastical leader and the internet makes fun of your empty Ideal Orgs. This really chaps your ass! What to do? Bend over and have your COB Assistant apply Scientology Butthurt Cream liberally to soothe the burning and irritation caused by criminal joking & degrading.
Scenario 3: You’re the Executive Director of Scientology Moscow and the Org has just been raided again. This is big time butthurt for you and your entire staff. Time to break out the Ideal Org Emergency Scientology Butthurt Staff Pack! The staff pack can treat up to 120 butthurt staff. Apply by twinning.
“You want reality television?”asked disaffected OTV Don Newland, a bitter and nearly-bankrupt man who doesn’t give a shit if he’s declared an SP.
“Well the Church of Scientology is reality television at its fake worst! Everything in the Church is scripted and phony. Even COB’s soaring columns are made from foam that’s been spray-painted gold.”
“And COB’s story about the Founder ‘caustively dropping his body’? Please! That was as phony as it gets! Likewise, GAT I and GAT II were a bogus scripted giant money grab. Same thing with the Basics! That was just another COB money scam. And to think Scientologists actually believed COB’s ‘misplaced paragraphs’ and ‘malicious semicolons’ nonsense!”
“The Church of Scientology has always been a big phony reality television show. Even David Miscavige’s hair is fake and the guy wears elevator shoes. The Ideal Orgs are bogus and some of them don’t even actually exist. COB just takes some pictures of buildings off the internet and says, “Look: Here’s our future Ideal Org in (fill in city name). Fundraising begins now!”
Scientology’s Future Ideal Org in La Mierda
(Shoop by Djembe Joe)
Over 50 Scientologists attended the annual grand opening of the Los Angeles Org. This year’s theme was the Org as the “Golden Deluxe Ideal Ark of the Covenant Org.”
COB RTC David Miscavige, 88 years of age, spoke for three hours about “the good old days before the attacks” when Scientology actually stood for something, this although no one seems to remember what it stood for. Scant applause greeted COB’s remarks.
COB, who was breathing from his medical oxygen bottle, spoke of the need to join the “$2.00 a Week 4 COB Club” to help pay for the portion of his medical oxygen not covered by Medicare. And then there the costs of COB’s six month “refreshers” with his robot plastic surgeon Dr. Atari XV of Beverly Hills.
“We had to sell off Flag Land Base and the Orgs after we lost tax exemption back in 2017-2018,” the Chairman wheezed. “So here we are back in Hollywood where we started back trillions of years ago on the wholetrack. And if things don’t improve we’ll have to sell off this place real soon and put the Org in the Hacienda Trailer Rancho down there in Hemet”:
Tom Cruise, who was not in attendance because he was filming Mission Impossible: Lower Intestinal Surgery at Age 88 sent his representative Buddy Nadbag, executive producer of the 2016 film classic Davy CrackPott, a heroic telling of COB’s life.
Three OT’s with Alzheimer’s wandered off during COB’s presentation and are now lost and believed to be in or around the area. Identifiable by their OT-Medical Alert bracelets, citizens are asked to call the Org if these OT’s are located.
In order to ensure a supply of cheap gasoline to Scientology’s Ideal Org gas stations and mini-marts, Imam David Miscavige recently traveled to Syria and negotiated an oil deal with ISIS for $20 per barrel gasoline.
“The MV Freewinds is being converted into a gasoline tanker as we speak,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Moreover, COB has purchased a fleet of Panamanian-flagged tankers from ship-breaking yards in Alang, India.”
“Because these ships were destined to be broken up and scrapped, COB was able to purchase them for a bargain. With a few million man-hours of Sea Org labor, these ships will be ferrying ISIS gasoline to Scientology service stations in a matter of months.”
Religious scholar Reza Aslan has applauded the Scientology-ISIS cooperation as, “a milestone in modern ecumenical relations.”