COB Finds the “Why” for Failing Orgs


RTC Surplus Org Obliteration Unit

“After recently discovering yet more lost tech in the cavernous file cabinets of the Founder that, if laid end to end, would stretch from here to Venus, COB has finally found the correct why for the failing Orgs,” declared Colonel General Heinz Janke, Commanding Officer of the new RTC Surplus Org Obliteration Unit (RTC SOOU).

“This new lost tech informs us that 9 is the number of Earth. Therefore, it logically follows that Scientology only needs 9 Orgs to handle this very small planet.”

“We would of course need more Orgs on a larger planet such as Jupiter.”

“The why for failing Orgs is that there was a misunderstood which led CSI ED INT to falsely conclude the Church of Scientology needed hundreds of expensive Ideal Orgs.”

“ED INT is 100% to blame for assigning vastly false significances to expansion when the Church only ever needed 9 Orgs. As it now stands, Scientology has enough Orgs to handle the super giant star Betelgeuse.”

“ED INT fed COB and the IAS false data for almost fifteen years now and led the Church on a wild goose chase to purchase, renovate, and open useless and empty Orgs”

“ED INT has been Comm Ev’d and shipped off to RPF Gulag #117 in Siberia where he has been sentenced to 90 years of hard labor.”

“The real failure of ED INT’s crashing Mis-U is that — for too many years now — COB has tolerated failing Orgs in the sincere hope that the Basics and GAT II would revivify them and thus bring them back from the dead.”

“What this newly-found lost tech tells us, however, is that Scientology has a very large surplus of Orgs because the Church did not have the correct-planet-size-to-org-ratio tech.

“COB has now surveyed the matter and concluded that there are 962 surplus Orgs. These Orgs are scheduled for obliteration,” Janke stated.

“What does COB mean by this word obliteration?”

“What COB means is that these failing Orgs are to have their licenses revoked by CSI and RTC so they cannot deliver 100% standard Scientology. When this happens there  are no more surplus Orgs; there are only empty buildings in which Scientology cannot be delivered”

“These empty buildings will be sold by we in the RTC Surplus Org Obliteration Unit. 100% of the proceeds will be sent uplines to COB RTC.”

“COB RTC will then donate the proceeds to the IAS. The IAS will, per policy, ethically demand to keep in its exchange with COB. The IAS will pay COB the 75% commission it pays to IAS POWER FSM’s.”

“COB will also be given a very special and highly deluxe IAS POWER FSM trophy.”

4 replies »

  1. We will stop at 8, while we wait for Valley to pull finger and bankrupt the “she guv of the vall bart voice champ does nothing else, i prefer Tom Kenny and Billy West” pays the “whole 9 yards” to get Valley done!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The level of donations assumed by COB will dwarf those of Big Being Bob Duggan, allowing COB to rightfully reassume his role as not only the ecclesiastical muse and driving force of the church, but the unquestioned grandest of the grand standing donors, which in turn will allow COB to stare into teleprompteers and wax eloquently for hours about himself using the Shermanesque mode of delivery of which we are all so fond.

    Using the latest hologram technology, the Sea Org is hard at work rendering the dramtic event finale where COB will be the one to present himself with a trophy.


    • ^^^^^^^
      Finally, someone who duplicates COB.

      We have rented out the NASA vertical assembly building where the Apollo spaceships were assembled to build COB’s trophy. This special trophy will be the biggest ever trophy in world history.


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