“The Chairman of Blue Eyed Soul is the only way to describe the music of Dave Miscavige,” said Golden Era Records VP Ken Delusion.
“And that’s why we at Golden Era were so happy to ink Dave Miscavige to a five album deal — and when we say ‘album’ we mean a good ol’ 33 1/3 vinyl lp, this to accommodate the fact that Scientology parishioners prefer to only purchase technologies that were around in the 1950’s. These people are still very hostile to cassette tapes for chrissakes.”
“In Songs of Scientology Rhapsody, Dave lays down twelve soulful tracks in his distinctive cigarette-flavored voice, including his international smash hit YSCOHB.”
Playlist Side One:
YSCOHB
Theta Bop
Black Five Case
You’re My Held Down Seven
Lock the Bitch Up
Beat You Black and Blue Babe
Playlist Side Two:
Tom Cruise On My Mind
Satan in My Pants
Slap Those PC’s Stupid
Shelly Who?
Hungover on the Freewinds (Again)
Stalled OT7 Blues
Categories: OTVIIIisGrrr8!
OTVIIIisGrrr8! 
He stole my second grade teacher’s hairdo! We were afraid spiders made their home in there. Dave if you have that fear just light it with a match and your hair spray will take care of the problem. I promise.
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Rat Pack material this is!
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You mention that your customer base embraces vinyl because it’s 1950s technology and because your customer base doesn’t trust cassettes.
I was wondering if you might reconsider your distribution plans given that vinyl is making something of a comeback, particularly among the Brooklyn hipster set, which basically taints the “proven technology” thing. Or is this a secret plan to broaden the audience by both selling to existing members and bringing in young people who ironically drink crappy Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and who ironically appreciate music with album covers like this?
Also, while hostility to cassettes is understandable, are you amenable to putting out a version of this looming chart-topper on 8-track?
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There is indeed a “backdoor plan” to snare young hipsters. Inside each album jacket is:
1. A glossy 8×10 autographed color photo of Dave Miscavige.
2. An OCA test that can be mailed back in the enclosed postage paid envelope.
3. A DVD of superstar Tom Cruise praising Dave Miscavige and saying how “cool” it is to be a Scientologist.
4. A hidden GPS tracking device so that we send over some Sea Org members to follow up.
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Never one to rest, we have it on good authority Gentleman Dave is back in the studios laying down tracks for his follow-up to the multi-platinum Rhapsody. Gentleman Dave is unique in his approach to music. He does all of the writing, arranging, singing, playing, and producing, because he can’t trust anyone else to get it right.
Among the tracks being covered today are:
By the I get to Hemet
Narc-o-non
Like an OT VII
Try a Little Sec Check
Down in a Hole
Marcabian Rhapsody
Stairway to Hubbard
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“Gentleman Dave” has such a nice ring to it and, yes, he is already back in Golden Era Studios Hollywood laying down these new tracks.
Backed by Stacy Francis and Chill EB is adding a bonus track to reach out to the Black community.
Entitled Soul Duds this song is Dave’s attempt to say that Black money is just as soulful and green as Caucasian money and that Scientology wants it all.
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Captain ‘Blackheart’ Miscavige is truly following in the revered footsteps of the Founder, the great crooner L. Ron Hubbard himself. This is so fitting and appropriate.
Although the Captain has a wonderful cigarette-flavored voice just as the Founder did, I don’t think he will ever top the charts with Mr. Hubbard leading the way with such hits as:
Another One Under the Bus
Ride Captain Ride
Landfall (hello Clearwater)
Moving from Montana Soon
Crashing in Creston
BT Blues
Target Two Here I Come
Surrounded by One Ones
Reverie
By the Time I Get Away from Phoenix
Wichita Fund Man
There Never was a Second (2D)
I Fell into Another Wall of Fire
Oh, the memories…
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There’s a rumor on the internet that if you play it backward, you’ll have visions of L. Ron Hubbard being plooked by Xenu. Can I per-order now?
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Lron would never let xenu plook him. Lron was/is the best mother plooker around here or any other planet. And he could sing, hell, he taught music to the cavemen! Now his true heir and almost son can fill Lron’s big boots and get an MTV video. “I want my MTV!!!”
But that muppet hair has to go, the big hair 80’s are dead, thank the non-existent god.
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