In global ecclesiastical  news today, Vatican spokesman Bishop. M. Plant  announced that Starbucks has been selected at the official coffee kiosk of St. Peters.

“The new Starbucks is now open in the main basilica,”  declared Pontifical Officiate for Coffee and Snack Services Bishop. M. Plant. “However, Starbucks may not, under new Vatican rules, serve the Body of Christ to religious pilgrims unless the barista is also an ordained priest of the Holy Caffeine Order.”

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“While we in the Church of Scientology applaud the Vatican’s move into modernity,” sniffed Scientology official Captain Ken Delusion, “we hasten to note that our new 21st century cathedral had both a coffee kiosk and a flat panel already installed when Pope Miscavige presided over its grand opening last year; which event, moreover, attracted 25,000,000 Scientology pilgrims to our Mecca of Technical Perfection in Clearwater.”

25,000,000 Scientologists clamoring for Scientology at the grand opening of Scientology’s new 21st century cathedral. The world’s first e-meter equipped cathedral, this magnificent edifice features dozens of subterranean dungeons and interrogation chambers — a design motif inspired by the Catholic Church and demanded by both our Founder and his Successor.