Massive Stat Crash at Flag Land Base Threatens the Very Survival of Our Planet!

khrushchev-1An inky black darkness has descended upon the Flag Land Base,” declared Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman,  CO INT STAT CRASH INVESTIGATIONS UNIT.

“My initial investigation has revealed that fully 84% of Flag staff members report:

  • Masses in the head related to stats
  • Black masses clustered to their heads opposing stats
  • Harboring secret blow thoughts
  • Going into catatonic states at the merest mention stats
  • Feelings of being constantly watched  by the many hidden cameras at Flag
  • Engaging in chronic defeatist natter and making COB wrong

“The bottom line is that the stats at Flag have crashed to new lowest evers, and, given the magnitude of the disaster,” Comrade Dr. Wonderman emphasized, “COB has increased the 20 person Flag World Tour to Los Angeles to 1,154 people. Every Scientologist in Los Angeles will be personally and repeatedly contacted at least fifteen times to be briefed on the vital planetary urgency of coming to Flag immediately for at least two major services or else!”


5 responses to “Massive Stat Crash at Flag Land Base Threatens the Very Survival of Our Planet!

  1. I am confused. Just two days ago I was so happy to see that happiness units in scientology had increased 64X. Now this, at the friendliest place on Earth of all places!

    It is heartbreaking to even think about it, but is it possible that COB will have to SP declare L. Ron Hubbard post-mortem and have his name and pictures expunged from the records? Maybe his bust and office in every org is just too restimulating?

    COB sacrifices so much for us.

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    • We in RTC isolated the exact cause of the 64x increase in Happiness Units; they were caused by Scientologists staying away from Flag and all of the Orgs. Thus, the Happiness Units were a false attest, a crime, and a withhold from COB and the Church.

      “Never believe in Happiness when you have the Tech to take everyone’s money using a religious angle,” COB briefed us. “Money is better than all of the Happiness Units in the universe.”

      “Look at me,” COB said. “I have never been happy a day in my life but I am quite wealthy and people obey me or else. That is power and power is better than Theta or any of those other gimmicks we pitch.”

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  2. But that graph itself is a sign of expansion. Normally, their graphs aren’t axis-labeled in two dimensions. This graph isn’t labeled in three dimensions. That’s a 50% increase in the number of dimensions that aren’t identified. Soon, the Church won’t be identifying axes of tesseracts and Klein bottles, and doing so in a way that’s totally 100% on-Source and supported by the Golden Age of Tech Phase II Student Hat.

    Are the rumors true that Gavin Potter’s going out on tour to explain the use of imaginary numbers, including never-revealed LRH references about them?

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  3. I don’t mean to be rude or a know it all, but maybe, just maybe, the stats have crashed at Flag because it just isn’t ‘Ideal’ enough. Perhaps the IAS should descend upon the Ft. Harrison with all its might and get some money raised to spiff the place up a bit. Not to be too obvious, but if the place is upstat, won’t the stats just go up? Theta magic!

    If this is just a case of me making COB wrong, where do I report for my RPF assignment?

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