Fleet Admiral David Miscavige Declares Cosmic Emergency!


The Top Secret Scientology Galactic War Room

Speaking from deep within the Top Secret Scientology Galactic War Room  in Trementina, New Mexico, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige today declared a Cosmic Emergency.

“The menace posed to Scientology organizations by Alex Gibney and HBO threatens every man, woman, and child on this planet,” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“The Freedom Magazine hit piece on Gibney and HBO miserably failed to connect,” Delusion bitterly lamented. “So much for the rocket scientists at OSA thinking that hired wog tabloid writers could confront and shatter SP’s! None of those overpaid wog writers has even once bothered to get themselves sec checked let alone do the Super Power Rundown! They are so wog! ”

“Fleet Admiral Miscavige’s expertly crafted and expensive fusillade of full-page ads in the New York Times and Los Angeles Times also failed to bring Gibney and HBO to their knees. Worse, the criminal Joking & Degrading seen online today reached a crisis level as wogs engaged in uproarious laughter at the expense of the Church Scientology.”

“The fate of the planet is at stake; joking cannot be allowed,” Delusion gravely intoned. “Therefore, Fleet Admiral Miscavige has ordered the RTC A Team to bypass OSA and attempt to shame and humiliate Gibney and HBO when they land at the airport.”

15 replies »

  1. At 11.15 a.m. today Captain Miscavige broadcast to the nation the following statement announcing that a state of war existed between the Church of Scientology and HBO.

    “This morning the Scientology Ambassador in Washington handed the HBO Board a final Note stating that, unless we heard from them by 11 o’clock that they were prepared at once to cancel the screening of the libelous Glibney documentary at the Sundance Film Festival, a state of war would exist between us.

    I have to tell you now that no such undertaking has been received, and that consequently this deeply religious organization is at war with HBO.

    You can imagine what a bitter blow it is to me that all my long struggle to win peace has failed. Yet I cannot believe that there is anything more or anything different that I could have done and that would have been more successful.

    Up to the very last it would have been quite possible to have arranged a peaceful and honourable settlement between the Church of Scientology and HBO, but Glibney would not have it.

    He had evidently made up his mind to attack Scientology whatever happened, and although he now says he put forward reasonable proposals which were rejected by the us, that is not a true statement. The proposals were never shown to our ecclesiastical lawyers, nor to us, and, although they were announced in a scurrilous blog, HBO did not wait to hear comments on them, but ordered their organization to continue their plans to screen it. His action shows convincingly that there is no chance of expecting that this man will ever give up his practice of using force to gain his will. He can only be stopped by force.

    At such a moment as this, the assurances of support that we have received from the Ideal Orgs worldwide are a source of profound encouragement to us.

    Now may our lawyers bless you all. They will defend the right. It is the evil things that we shall be fighting against – brute force, bad faith, injustice, oppression and persecution – and against them I am certain that the right will prevail.”

    (Editors note: It believed that Mr Danny Sherman was Neville Chamberlain’s speech writer in a past life.)



    • Bravo, bravo! Hip hip hooray for Captain Miscavige!

      And with Captain Miscavige’s grandiloquent speechifying finished, Dianetics Tank Battalion 7 rode into battle to smash the forces of Psychiatric suppression!


    • Who else? Had to be the psychs…with GAT II, Scientology was expanding too quickly (47x!!)…their only recourse – free Xenu from his electronic cage.


  2. It is high time the mighty religions of this world banded together to crush satirical joking and degrading once and for all!

    I will be at my Ideal Org to await the local Cardinal and representatives of other embattled faiths. Mankind’s spiritual future is at stake. Atheists, psychs, directors, SPs, and others of the Anti-Religious Movement must not be permitted to prevail!

    Where is Birgit when I need her cheerleading? She is such an inspiration of what it means to be a true scientologist!


  3. NGAFAY Alex Gibney…just wait until Jenny and the A Team catches up with SP criminal Alex Gibney in an airport, confronting and shattering his tenuous hold on reality.

    The world will again see the truth…like the mocked up prophet Muhammed and Islam, Scientology is a religion of peace and respect for the human rights of everyone.


  4. “Fleet Admiral Miscavige’s expertly crafted and expensive fusillade of full-page ads in the New York Times and Los Angeles Times also failed to bring Gibney and HBO to their knees?” How could this have happened ?!!!!!!!!!! Did some SP alter the text of Fleet Admiral Miscavige’s brilliant prose, so that it lost its original impact?


  5. Oh dear! I do so hope my friends and I don’t run into these “top Scientology Managers in ACtion” when we head to Sundance to see the Premiere of Alex Gibney’s documentary. I had better contact them all and warn them to pack extra underwear in case they pee their pants from laughing at them.


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