Church of Scientology to Be “Friendlier and Less Strange” in 2015

Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman, Scientology Politeness Dictator

Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman, Scientology Politeness Dictator

“Recent surveys performed by an outside firm have shown that the Church of Scientology is perceived as being unfriendly and strange by fully 92% of the raw meat wog public,” stated Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman at a secret briefing to members of the Sea Organization.

“Accordingly, Captain Miscavige has appointed me to be the new Scientology Politeness Dictator.”

“I will be out there at the Org level enforcing COB’s new policy of ‘Friendlier and Less Strange in 2015.’  Any suppressive or Psych-motivated counter-intention on politeness will be severely punished,” warned Comrade Dr. Wonderman.

“COB has additionally hired professional wog ‘Politeness Coaches’ to teach politeness and non-strangeness to Sea Org members. For example, all of the yelling and screaming should be toned down — particularly around the inferior public members of the Church.”

“It would also be a good idea to tone down the ecclesiastical beatings and secret seances as these, per survey, seem strange to the wog public.”

1955.Metropolitan

Professional politeness coaches will be teaching Sea Org members how to be polite.

18 responses to “Church of Scientology to Be “Friendlier and Less Strange” in 2015

  1. Ensuring that the Church of Scientology is perceived as a friendly and benevolent organization will boom statistics and the queues clamoring for services outside the Ideal Orgs will be immense.

    Any ideas to the contrary should be ruthlessly hammered out of existence and the perpetrators shamed and destroyed without pity or remorse.

    ‘Scientology loves you’ should be the slogan, with pictures of kittens and cute little bunnies clasped gently in COB’s arms as he wanders in the scented meadows under cloudless skies. That will work.

    Andrew

    Like

    • POW! Andrew Robertson is Mr. KSW laying down the law to all of the theetie-wheetie dilettantes in Scientology. Andrew, please come join we in RTC in our quest to get Standard Tech back into the Orgs.

      And with your winning attitude you can even be a Professional Politeness Coach and earn FSM bonuses.

      Like

  2. Yes! Here’s postulating that the Big Blue complex will become Big Pink!

    Like

    • Captain DodoTheLaser has the most powerful postulates in all of Europe. He is all that stands between the Psychs winning and Scientology losing on the continent. Go forth and do battle and smash and destroy SMERSH in Europe!

      Like

  3. How can staff be taught politeness without screaming at them to be more polite?

    Like

  4. For the record, Dr. Wonderman in his visit to EUS authoritatively stated there is nothing weird or less than friendly about any of these:
    1. Ecclesiastical beatings.
    2. RPF
    3. RPF’s RPF
    4. The Hole
    5. IAS Fundraising
    6. IAS Status Raising
    7. Screaming at ashtrays
    8. Billion year contracts
    9. Xenu
    10. Disconnection

    Like

    • Yes but in a new unit of time COB has said that these things are strange and unfriendly to wogs. In any case, what we in Scientology say and what we do for PR are two different things. Nothing will change except maybe Velveeta Cheese will be added back into the rice and beans for a few PR photos.

      Like

  5. Dr. Wonderman did not address Scientology Barbie…you’ll have to make your own call.

    Like

  6. It seems Barbie was declared OT…that’s not strange, right?

    Like

    • Barbie is an OTVIII doing her Student Hat aboard Freewinds with the rest of the VIII’s. None of the VIII’s ever really learned how to word clear and all of them have went past misunderstood words hundreds of times. Barbie and the rest of the OT VIII’s are why COB had to issue the Basics and GAT II. Section II ot OTIII also needs to be revised as do all HOCPL’s written prior to 1976. All of this must happen gradiently andat correct orders of magnitude before OT IX and OTX can be released. That and COB must also recover Pat Broeker who hid IX and X in a briefcase we were never able to find.

      Like

      • whostolemycog

        Barbie is OT VIII….Wow…Congratulations to her.

        We’ve heard nothing but rumors about Midge and Ken…many of us are concerned…any word?

        Like

  7. I for one look forward to the less murderous, less human rights violating Scientology organization. Thank you, COB, for working to tone down some of the more violently insane of your public expressions in the coming year.

    Like

  8. COB is PTS to the middle class.

    Like

  9. A big hip hip hooray for Capt. Miscavige’s “Friendlier and Less Strange in 2015” initiative. One step further might include some manners and etiquette pointers for the Sea Org. Only a degraded being doesn’t the difference between their bean spoon and rice fork.

    Like

  10. I think this era of reduced viciousness is going to be a huge success.

    Like

  11. In light of the NYT attack on Alex Gibney/HBO, I gotta ask; When does 2015 start for $cientology?

    Like

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