Church of Scientology Hires North Korea to Handle Media and Internet Problems

Kim“North Korea’s success in confronting and shattering a suppressive movie by Sony was extremely impressive,” declared Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“And that is why we in the Church of Scientology have hired the insouciant rogue nation to handle the Church’s seemingly endless media and internet problems.”

“The multi-year contract will pay North Korea up to one hundred million dollars in hard cash. This incentive program rewards North Korea for the quantity and efficiency with which it removes online entheta about the Church of Scientology. The internet and the media must be cleaned to a Snow White finish, so to speak,” Delusion proclaimed.

“We will also have North Korea handle the upcoming HBO and the BBC documentaries about Scientology,” Delusion added. “These so-called documentaries are wholly unnecessary and enturbulative and need to be purged from this local sector of the galaxy.”

Safeguarding Leadership

“Just as North Korea acted to protect its beloved leader, so too is the Church of Scientology acting to protect its beloved leader,” Delusion emphasized. “And that is why Our North Korean internet consultants know how vital it is to swiftly and decisively locate and remove all entheta focused upon the Church of Scientology’s global ecclesiastical leader Captain David Miscavige of the Sea Org.”

Captain David Miscavige

Captain David Miscavige

“The SP’s have pilloried our Captain Miscavige for being a brutal, profane, and vainglorious narcissist when in fact he is the most compassionate and important religious leader in the past 500,000 years. ”

“His magnificence and importance can only be truly appreciated by removing the lies about him from the internet and the media.”

“Given the failure of our fancy wog lawyers and the quacking buffoons in OSA to handle the problems,” Delusion complained, “We in RTC decided to hire North Korea as our new PR agency. Frankly, we like the North Korean method of anticipating and handling PR challenges much better than what Mike Sitrick offered us.”

15 responses to “Church of Scientology Hires North Korea to Handle Media and Internet Problems

  1. Great to see that Scientology and N.Korea are so compatible! KSW=KNKW!

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  2. It is doubtful that a word exists in the english language (or any other language) that can accurately describe the brilliance and compassion of the greatest being in eternity – COB. Fortunately, in the United States, there is a separation of church and state. According to the utterances of COB, every man woman and child who has ever ever held, looked at, possessed, or otherwise become aware of the subject of Dianetics or Scientology have entered a portal into the true faith have thus becoming team members who can proudly refer to themselves as :”Scientologists”. This fact alone not only justifies, but mandates the exercise of jurisdiction and authority by the supreme leaders of our faith over all such proselytes. While some may claim that the imposition of “ecclesiastical martial law” is extreme, it is fully justified and necessary based on the prevailing situation; it will no doubt receive its blessing from the highest wog authority – the IRS.
    Hopefully, those in charge will listen to me: not only did I take a college course in business law, but I have a second cousin on my mother’s side who came very close to passing the bar examination.

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  3. Do Dave and Kim share the same hair dresser and tailor?

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  4. Outstanding! Kim Jong-un has truly proven himself to be a Big Being and worthy of keeping company with leaders of leaders such as our dear COB. I’ve heard that at their last confab Kim expressed flowed much admiration to COB for his work in creating “The Hole.”

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  5. Scary that it’s not so far fetched… 😮

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  6. I think that North Korea’s prison would make a good RPF.

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  7. It’s always great when two glorious leaders can see eye to eye and actually get things done. When two men of COB RTC and Dear Leader Kim Jung Un’s stature meet, you know no negotiations will be shelved, and not only because they can’t reach the shelves. No, it’s because with these two, everything is on the table, even though they’re actually under the table. They’re going to work out their little differences, they’re going to reach an agreement in short time, and they’re going to shake tiny hands on it.

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  8. Kim will inevitably end up in the Hole under Dave. That is the only drawback in this perfect relationship that i see…

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  9. OSA has found a cheaper way to solve the internet issue. They simply deny its existence. The internet does not exist. This web site does not exist. This post does not exist. This message does not exist. Scientology does not exist.

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  10. I think North Korea is so successful because they are applying our Fleet Admiral COB’s own policy! I’ve suspected for some time now that NK uses admin tech in their government, and I am certain that even now, they are secretly churning out OTs while our glorious captain valiantly takes the heat. MArk my words, North Korea WILL be the First Ideal Country!

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