Church of Scientology Financial Impact Accounts for 20% of Jobs in America

GAS.STATION“The Church of Scientology’s financial impact accounts for 20% of all jobs in America,” Church spokesman Ken Delusion declared today by telex from the ship.

“For example, our Ideal Org gas stations employee 230,000 people across all 72 states in America.”

“And because Scientology spending creates one out of every five jobs, we demand better treatment. The criminal joking and degrading about the Church of Scientology must stop! The unfounded internet attacks must stop! The snickering about Scientology celebrities must end! And yes, the endless japes about His Imperial Holiness David Miscavige must cease!” demanded Delusion.

“Likewise, the sniggering and chortling about the Xylene Encapsulating Nuclear Übermensch who figures so prominently in our upper level materials will cease upon pain of death!”

Chairman.Dave“But what we in the Church of Scientology want most of all, what we demand, is that His Imperial Holiness David Miscavige be given immunity from all civil and criminal acti0ns. If our demand is not immediately met by the US Congress and wog president Brent Obama, we will begin financial sanctions that include a ban on the on the sale of e-meters!”

“We don’t want to punish America,” Delusion darkly intoned, “but we will if His Imperial Holiness is held to account by wog courts and the wog justice system!”

8 replies »

  1. Not mentioned in your excellent report is that the Church provides gainful employment for at least 20% of the lawyers in the United States.

    Without this humanitarian effort the streets would be filled with jobless legal practitioners down on their luck, begging for handouts.



  2. In Denmark Her Majesty The Queen and the entire royal family have immunity from all civil and criminal actions. I´m just thinking how much greater and more deserving The Pope of Scientology, His Imperial Holiness David Miscavige is. I´m surprised to learn that a man of his calibre and importance to the entire planet has not long since been granted immunity.


  3. We need a highly esteemed law firm like Weaphuckum & Howe to take care of The Danish National Television! They just broadcast a very entheta programme, filled with criminal joking and degrading about Scientology, giving the entire Danish population a very bad impression of Scientology.

    I find these exaggerated untruths about my religion extremely upsetting and I am going to send them a complaint immediately.
    This has just got to stop!


  4. Ken, we all agree that Scientology is powerful and positive force in this world. There is no question about that. We are even saving this sector of the Gulaxy, a huge monumental undertaking. But where is all this anger coming from?

    I’m at the bottom of the Bridge but I know what is ahead waiting for me – OT POWERS, that’s what! Godlike powers where I can read minds, control MEST, all that stuff, well you know. And I certainly don’t mean to seem impertinent Ken, I am a lowly PC and all, but why don’t you use your Homo Novus powers to make the changes you want. You don’t have to resort to angry threats and demands. Use your OT powers!


  5. I think it is high time for another round of fundraising for the Friends of Miscavige fund! We need a PR campaign to get the message out about His Imperial Rightness’ vital importance to our backwater planet! Clearly, those DB wog judges need to be enlightened as to just who it is they are dealing with.
    I also think the sale of e-meters should cease immediately. Actions, not threats, are going to win the day!


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