Church of Scientology Now Offering Full Refunds!


“The Church of Scientology is now offering full 100% refunds on any training, auditing, books, courses, and all donations for anything that Scientologists were not happy with in any way,” announced Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “This 100% refund offer is retroactive to 1965.”

“Moreover, as part of offering full refunds, the Church of Scientology will also return all confessional folders to Scientologists and purge them from our database in all forms.”

“Our goal in the Church of Scientology is to make up the damage we have done as an organization no matter the cost,” Delusion concluded.


David Miscavige awoke once again in a cold sweat from the recurring nightmare he had been having for the past year. In this nightmare, the Church offered full refunds and went completely bankrupt within two weeks whereupon David Miscavige was out of a job.

DM.29Reflecting with horror upon this nightmare, David Miscavige asked himself what he could actually do in a post-Scientology world.

How would he, as a former global ecclesiastical leader, survive on the mean streets of the degraded wog world?

Logging onto his secret COB laptop he kept on his nightstand, David Miscavige checked his personal offshore bank accounts. Sure, there was a lot of money, certainly more than anyone would ever suspect, but how far would that money take him in any version of a post-Scientology world? The cost of jet fuel had soared as had the cost of private security and the prices of luxury homes on private islands such as Mustique.


3-Box-WhiteLeaving his quarters, COB padded on slippered feet along the well-manicured walkways and made his way to the Star of California, the Base’s famous replica of a clipper ship. Lighting a cigarette and pouring himself a dram of Macallan 25 year sherry oak single malt scotch, the world’s foremost ecclesiastical leader settled into a sumptuous leather deck chair and turned on the patio’s 52″ inch flat screen to watch himself speaking.

The bluish light from the flat screen illuminated COB’s gaunt face and cast a faint glow upwards to the ghostly masts of the Scientology clipper ship.

Soon the warm glow of Macallan and the tangy nicotine of a few Camel non-filter cigarettes did their magic and COB had a cognition: He was indispensable to Scientology and to humanity itself. Not only was power assumed, but the war was over. The Church of Scientology was booming and the Ideal Orgs proved it.

There was never a better time than now to be seated on a deck chair under  starry skies as the Church slipped inexorably and almost imperceptibly under the waves and into the Abyss.

11 replies »

  1. Brilliant satire! Of course the part about David Miscavige’s off-shore bank accounts is true and the reason he’ll never face a day in court.


  2. Every Scientologist knows what is true for COB is true for them. Therefore, it is factually corect to state the psychosis and neurosis exhibited by “Dear Leader” are shared by every single hardcore Scilon.

    Take stature for instance…thr diminutive physical stature of COB is matched by that of his church. His warped paranoias are mirrored by his underlings. The very essence of Scientology is the stale odor of COB’s breath.

    His clinical insanity is theirs. No wonder “psychs” are enemy #1.


  3. I think COB has abundantly deserved every single $$$$ on his off-shore bank accounts! Isn´t that what we have all been donating to for all these years? His magnificence in expanding the church 1,000,000 x since the founders death is an unheard of feat in the entire history of the universe.

    It is entirely understandable that he is so fed up with being surrounded by nothing but CICS DB´s that he now prefers to retire and relax and enjoy his well deserved pension from The Church of Scientology.


  4. Looking at DM in the film there can be no doubt that David Miscavige is an elevated being and a beautiful example of exactly how enlightened we can all become, if we do as he says: Go up the Bridge to Total Freedom and donate everything you own and more to the church!


    • “Going out of business” is a wrong item for COB. We in RTC prefer to think of it as a court-assisted exit strategy from the religion business. Soon, Sea Org everywhere will be selling rugs from corner gas stations in a quasi-secular effort to keep the cash rolling in. We have also ordered WISE to look into opening medical marijuana dispensaries. We in RTC need dozens of such “arms length” businesses where people still have to pay COB mad phat royalties.


  5. And Happy Trials to you davy. May all your ill begotten offshore bucks be spent on your 200 or so souless lawyers.
    Dave your next gig may not be so sweet.


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