“Tucker Carlson shared his harrowing narrative of a demonic attack in which he was clawed on his ribs and there was blood on the bed sheets,” said Rev. Ken Delusion of the Church of Scientology.

“We absolutely believe Tucker was attacked by a sinister discarnate entity,” Rev. Delusion commented.

“And we in Scientology are here to help Tucker.”

“In studying the details and our voluminous case files at Flag,” Rev. Delusion noted, “the entity that attacked Tucker was clearly a Marcab. The Marcabs always attack the rib cage in humans as they are short like COB and cannot reach the face of a normal adult human.”

“Tucker would not understand this as Marcabs typically pose as demons to mislead the spiritually illiterate Catholic priests and their hapless victims such as Tucker.

“Not to criticize the Catholic Church, but it has no knowledge of extraterrestrial psychos, implanting stations, body thetans, and so on and so forth. We in Scientology are the experts on this and the Catholics should just step aside and let Scientology handle demons, Marcabs, Targs, and the other vile ET SP’s.

“The Catholics have blathered on about Satan and his demons for 2000 years. Seriously, the Catholics have no idea that Xenu is behind it all. Satan and demons are just an R6 mock up.”

“We in Scientology are hereby publicly offering Tucker Carlson a free Marcab Handling Rundown session at Flag,” declared Rev. Delusion. “Our experts at Flag will capture that Marcab bitch that attacked him and will nuke it using our Marcab Elimination Tech!”