Church of Scientology to Commence Religious Whaling Operations

Harpoon

“The Church of Scientology will commence whaling operations next week,”  Church spokesman Ken Delusion announced during a press conference at Scientology Media Productions in Burbank.

“While we in the Church of Scientology realize that whaling is a universally hated and despised activity, newly discovered Church scriptures demand that we kill as many whales as possible and then sell whale meat in Japan as part of our Constitutionally-protected religious sacraments.”

“We in the Church of Scientology are no strangers to controversy, “Delusion added. “Indeed, we routinely use child labor, pay slave wages, order forced abortions, break up families, and engage in human trafficking. We even lock up our own clergy in religious prisons where they are forced to perform back-breaking manual labor for decades under the most abhorrent deprivation possible, this to atone for their crimes. Therefore, we will ignore all wog protests about our religious rights to engage in whaling,”

CDM.6“Captain David Miscavige, already a proven expert in harpooning and stripping the blubber from Scientology whales, will fire the first harpoon from our brand new whaling ship the SS Monique Yingling.”

“In addition to selling the meat of assorted whales in Japan, Delusion noted, “the Church of Scientology will use satellite technology to conduct very targeted religious hunts for sperm whales. Our ecclesiastical predation of sperm whales will allow us to enter the highly lucrative sperm-oil business; the Asian demand for religious sperm oil being at an all time high.”

“Along with harvesting the pelts of endangered species in Africa for use in our ecclesiastical rites, we in the Church of Scientology have also recently kicked off our  religious dumping of radioactive Cesium-137 isotopes from spent nuclear reactors into the oceans of the world as part our sacramental observances.”

30 responses to “Church of Scientology to Commence Religious Whaling Operations

  1. “whaling is a universally hated and despised activity” uh, sorta like Scientology.

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    • Hey hey hey….slow down there Mister!!

      There’s plenty of room in Iraq/Syria for your kind of hateful religious intolerance! If you don’t like religious freedom,you need to get yourself a one way ticket to Damascus.

      Like

  2. Funny. You wonder how far religious protection can go sometimes eh?

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  3. HUBBARD COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE
    Saint Hill Manor, East Grinstead, Sussex
    HCO POLICY LETTER OF 23 DECEMBER 1965RB
    Revised 8 January 1985
    Gen. Non-Remimeo
    Post Public Bulletin Board
    All Orgs
    All Missions
    Int’. Justice Chief
    Snr HCO Network
    All HCOs
    MAAs
    Ethics Officers
    HCO (DIVISION 1)
    WHALING
    Refs:
    HCOB 10 Sept. 83 Whaling AND DISCONNECTION
    Tape: 6505C18 “Organization and Ethics and Whaling”
    Tape: 6506C08 “Handling the Whale”
    Tape: 6608C02 “Suppressives and Whales”
    Tape: 6608C25 “The Antisocial Whale”
    HCOB 27 Sept. 66 HCOB 24 Apr. 72 C/S Series Whaling and Auditing

    As Scientologists we have taken to land, sea, and through exteriorization air. As part of our mission to clear the planet, we need a steady steam of income for all parts of the world. After sever hundreds of hours of research I have solved this problem. We will start whaling immediately clearing the seas of whales, so we can clear the planet. Many on this planet do not feel whaling is a benefit towards society, but I assure you this is only because of an implant having to do with whales discovered early on the time track. This implant called the Skipper also is the reason for veganism, and other offshoots of vegetarianism. I am sure by killing as many whales as possible we can make global clearing a reality.

    L. Ron Hubbard

    Founder

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    • Thank you for posting this PL seenoeyes.

      We as a group owe Captain Miscavige our eternal gratitude for finding the lost PL on whaling & global clearing.

      An investigation by we in RTC has shown that whale-loving Psychs were sent into Scientology organizations long ago to hide this vital planetary-changing PL on whaling & global clearing.

      For too long the Psychs have fooled people into believing that whales are noble creatures and that whaling is evil. However, the actual technical fact is that whales are one of the primary sources of planetary suppression and need to be obliterated.

      Actual Scientology science has proven that whales make whistling noises that travel through sea and land and keep people enturbulated. When decoded and played backwards on a HiFi, the whale whistles are actually found to be implanting commands ordering people to purchase and consume Psych drugs. This is why whales must be disposed of quietly and without sorrow and their sordid flesh sold to hungry Japanese consumers who are willing and able to pay exorbitant prices for RTC-approved ecclesiastical whale meat.

      Whaling + Ideal Org fundraising are the the two exact technical actions needed to achieve global clearing.

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  4. I’m friends with several whales, and I asked my BWFF (best whale friend forever) what he thought of this news. He responded via BlowHole, a text messaging app for whales, saying, “Yes, of course this is disgusting and cruel, but honestly I feel so much worse for these humans that are living as Scientologists. We whales actually thought Scientology was just a running joke amongst humans. It all sounded so ridiculous, we couldn’t believe that it was a real thing. We don’t have access to Google down here in the ocean. Many of us were shocked and saddened to learn that it’s an actual cult that some humans are subjected to. Whales don’t want any creature to live like that. We’re all still trying to process this.”

    It did cheer him up a little when I told him that COB RTC might be the first person ever to need a booster seat in order to fire a mounted harpoon gun.

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  5. The timing of this operation couldn’t be more perfect. My spies at Flag informed me earlier today that the oiliness table is running perilously low on whale oil.

    A fresh supply of sperm oil had been found nearby after Captain Miscavige and Tom Cruise had a “co-audit” session but Grant Cardone quickly used it to style his hair.

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  6. The SS Monique Yingling! Jeffrey this is real fun. I think even at OSA Int they are laughîg their lungs out with this one. But I wonder if they have enough time to follow the bitter defrocked apostates with the looming tower of planetary legal trouble.

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  7. The expansion in Global Whaling is now the solitary focus of the church, because it is the single critical factor determined by COB which will lead to planetary fleecing…um…clearing. This critical tech will be supported with the christening of a fleet of whaling ships…the SS Nancy Carwright and SS Bob Duggan are laid out awaiting christening. The MV Freewinds was never a dedicated whaler, but a cattle hauler. It will resume those former duties. However, with these new ships dedicated solely to whaling, the bounty of whales worldwide will be taken at will. Praise be to COB.

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  8. WOW! So much good news!

    I´m just so damned proud of being a scientologist and getting to experience Scientology clear the entire planet in my lifetime! If clearing the oceans of all whales is what it takes, I´m all for it!

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  9. The Freewinds is just sitting there doing nothing and the orgs can’t pay their heating bills. Under the influence of nitrous oxide Miscavige has an epiphany. The key to power is whaling!

    The Freewinds will be rehatted as a whaling ship. The orgs will have plenty of heating oil to get them through the harsh winter. The fancy Div 6 videos will be replaced with shadow puppet shows lit by oil lamps. Financially destitute and homeless Gold Meritorious Humanitarians will have first dibs on whale bones that will be used to fashion crude huts. RPFers will be pitted against eachother in cage matches to the death for prizes of whale meat scraps. Can you not see DM is serious!?

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  10. Jenni Silberstein

    Jeffrey, this is funny, but don’t you feel like you are shooting fish in a barrel?

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    • Jenni, when the Cult argues in court that it is a religion and its atrocious conduct is therefore legal, I don’t feel that way. What I do here is to simply extend the Cult’s own logic to imagined propositions that mirror the cruelty of RPF, Disconnection, forced abortions, and slave labor. I also lampoon the monumental greed and stupidity of the Cult.

      For a satirist, the Church of Scientology is truly a target rich environment.

      Like

      • Jenni, I haven’t seen the prominent “Scientology” signs taken off of Big Blue, the Knickerbocker building or the Celebrity Center in LA.

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      • Hey hey hey……..I thought J. Swift was banned from this site because he is a known enemy of the church and a fucking SP.

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      • J. Swift is banned and yet, through some diabolical misuse of the internets, he is able to post here.

        The internet is a series of tubes that we in the Church of Scientology do not fully understand and, frankly speaking, have never understood. For example, where exactly are the internet tubes located? And how does “wireless signal” propagate through the luminiferous ether? Surely the internet must be the work of Satan.

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      • The internet is an alien implant, much like Christianity. To reach the truth, you must avoid the internet, as well as anyone who uses the internet.

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    • Whales are not fish, ma’am. They are mammals. And whales would require very, very large barrels.

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      • Ecclesiastical whaling is quite different than shooting SP’s in a barrel. And yes, COB has spoken in the past of shooting down SP’s like fish in a barrel. COB also wants to destroy and obliterate the Psychs.

        As for attacking Scientology organizations being too easy, this is not true. The Office of Special Affairs makes it very tough on attackers. OSA always attacks and never defends.

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    • Hasn’t COB used that same “fish in a barrell” analogy in staff meetings referring to regging activity at Flag?

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  11. Jenni Silberstein

    I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I won’t do it again (whatever it was). And I can’t honestly say I am doing much, or anything, to get Ideal Orgs open.

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    • Jenni, it doesn’t matter what you did or did not do. The mere fact that other people exist is an inherent flap on COB’s lines. Why can’t COB live alone in luxury and solitude while having his every need attended to by perfect robots?

      If there has to be other people, COB should be allowed to keep them in a cage and abuse them whenever he feels like it. There should be no consequences, no PR nightmares, and no stupid wog laws made by equally stupid and suppressive democracies.

      COB should be allowed to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and have infinite money and power. That is the true definition of what it means to be COB RTC.

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  12. Is COB going to discover previous hidden texts authorizing burglary as a Scientology sacrament? I’ve really been wanting to try that and it would be a lot easier if I could sue any police who try to stop me for interfering in my religious practices.

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  13. Excellent, Dr_Orpheus, well done. And if you are caught you tell the wog police that the person you burgled pulled it in. No harm, no foul. This is homo novus with bells on.

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  14. It would be funny to see Little Davey, in his medal-festioned faux Admiral uniform and his oversized Cap condtantly falling over his eyes, trying to handle a harpoon gun at the bow of the Freewinds as it sails tge open oceans, keeping a sharp eye out for financial whales to harpoon! (LOL)

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  15. Every former member, declared SP and those missing in action are to be found, tormented to mental incapacity, and when necessary bludgeoned to near death and sometimes tortured in fact to death in order to confront the over the top insanity of living on planet earth outside Scientology. This is after all merely Target 1. Ken Delusion emphasizes it is written scripture to get your TR 0 in so you can confront anything comfortably.

    Like

  16. Pingback: Scientology Boss David Micavige Defends Hiring of Jared Fogle as Church Spokeman | OTVIIIisGrrr8!

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