Tag Archives: Monique Yingling

Scientology & North Korea: A Bright Future Ahead

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Following their historic meetings for bilateral talks on slave labor, sleep deprivation, torture, beatings, malnutrition, extortion, blackmail, money laundering and other methods that are vital to totalitarian regimes, David Miscavige and Kim Jong Un agreed to an exchange that helps both parties. The North Korean leader agreed to supply 5,000 workers for Scientology’s Sea Org in exchange for basic foodstuffs including fifty million “Blinky Yingling” muffins and ten million metric tons of rice and beans.

“Kim Jung Un will be staying in Los Angeles for a few weeks to do his Purification Rundown at the Celebrity Centre. Following his Purif, the North Korean leader will begin basic Scientology courses,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

President of Mars declares: Mars is not paying for Scientology’s Gigantic Galactic Space Wall!”

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Scientology Cosmonaut Monique Yingling

The Church of Scientology’s top wog lawyer Monique Yingling was launched into outer space this morning at 0815 hours from the Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan.

Scientology Cosmonaut Yingling was sent aloft in a vintage 1961 Vostok 3KA space capsule. The craft was purchased with an IAS grant, and at a bargain price, from the Roscosmos State Corporation for Space Activities (Государственная корпорация по космической деятельности).

Yingling was fired off on a Mission to the Mars Implanting Station by Fleet Admiral David Miscavige. Yingling is to serve as Scientology’s Ambassador to Mars where she will relay Scientology’s many complaints against the Red Planet.

“Scientology’s trade deficit with the Mars now stands at $65 billion per year,” complained Scientology Minister of Trade Mr. Ken Delusion. “And Fleet Admiral Miscavige won’t stand for it!,” Delusion insisted. “After all, what does Mars do for Scientology except send us trillions of undocumented body thetans every year? Worse, Mars expects Scientology OT’s to endlessly pay for Solo auditing these undocumented BT’s — and many of these BT’s are implanted criminals and rapists who don’t even know who they really are!”

“Meanwhile criminal Martian drug dealers continue to flood the Earth with Psych drugs via the porous transdimensional Lunar border! This has to stop!,” Delusion roared. “And it will stop! Fleet Admiral David Miscavige is going to build a gigantic galactic space wall around the Earth and the Martians are going to pay for it!”

Martian president P. Murt Dlanod cancelled next week’s planned meeting with Fleet Admiral David Miscavige at Scientology’s International Base. “Mars is not paying for Scientology’s gigantic galactic space wall,” declared President Dlanod.

Those ungrateful Martians!

Now the Secret Can be Revealed…

Now it can be revealed: Scientology’s attorney Monique Yingling is the love child of L. Ron Hubbard and Leona Helmsley. Now it all makes sense. Now we know why Monique is the way she is. Monique has all the genius and treachery of L. Ron Hubbard and all the class and elegance of Leona Helmsley.

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But the real question: Does Monique work for COB or does COB work for Monique? Some SP’s these days say that Monique Yingling secretly runs all of Scientology and calls the shots. One wonders because COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige dropped out of high school at age 16 while Monique’s education is stellar: Vassar College (A.B., cum laude, 1973); University of Tennessee (J.D., 1977); Georgetown University Law Center (L.L.M. in Taxation, 1984).

Who actually runs Scientology? While Scientologists are credulous enough to believe that the entire agonized future of every man, woman, and child on this planet is in the hands of an ill-tempered, violent, and narcissistic high school drop out who wears a fake Navy uniform, others feel that this stable datum cannot be true.

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The skeptics tend to think that Washington DC lawyer Monique Yingling secretly runs Scientology. After all, Monique Yingling is now the international spokesperson for Scientology and, more importantly, she was the chief architect of Scientology’s 1993 tax exemption.

And this secret: At the very top of Scientology is the secret Church of Spiritual Technology (CST). And at the very top of CST are three non-Scientology tax lawyers. Monique Yingling is a Trustee of CST and one of three tax lawyers in whose hands the very fate of Scientology was ultimately placed by the Founder.

Per CST founding documents there must always be three tax lawyers at the top of Scientology to protect Scientology’s tax exemption. These three tax lawyers can, for a nominal sum of money, revoke RTC’s licenses and therefore collapse the Church of Scientology International (CSI), for CSI is a licensee of RTC.

“Will you and your fellow CST Trustees act to ‘Save Scientology‘ or will the present farce continue?” asked journalist Don Harrison in one of his more piquant questions to Monique Yingling.

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New Edition: Ecclesiastical Lawyer Monthly!

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New Issue of Ecclesiastical Lawyer Monthly

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Scientology Fleet Admiral David Miscavige in the RTC Bunker

Church of Scientology to Commence Religious Whaling Operations

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“The Church of Scientology will commence whaling operations next week,”  Church spokesman Ken Delusion announced during a press conference at Scientology Media Productions in Burbank.

“While we in the Church of Scientology realize that whaling is a universally hated and despised activity, newly discovered Church scriptures demand that we kill as many whales as possible and then sell whale meat in Japan as part of our Constitutionally-protected religious sacraments.”

“We in the Church of Scientology are no strangers to controversy, “Delusion added. “Indeed, we routinely use child labor, pay slave wages, order forced abortions, break up families, and engage in human trafficking. We even lock up our own clergy in religious prisons where they are forced to perform back-breaking manual labor for decades under the most abhorrent deprivation possible, this to atone for their crimes. Therefore, we will ignore all wog protests about our religious rights to engage in whaling,”

CDM.6“Captain David Miscavige, already a proven expert in harpooning and stripping the blubber from Scientology whales, will fire the first harpoon from our brand new whaling ship the SS Monique Yingling.”

“In addition to selling the meat of assorted whales in Japan, Delusion noted, “the Church of Scientology will use satellite technology to conduct very targeted religious hunts for sperm whales. Our ecclesiastical predation of sperm whales will allow us to enter the highly lucrative sperm-oil business; the Asian demand for religious sperm oil being at an all time high.”

“Along with harvesting the pelts of endangered species in Africa for use in our ecclesiastical rites, we in the Church of Scientology have also recently kicked off our  religious dumping of radioactive Cesium-137 isotopes from spent nuclear reactors into the oceans of the world as part our sacramental observances.”