Announcing Flag’s “All You Can Audit” Special!

Dr. Eldon Weiner, CO Enforced Happiness

Dr. Eldon Weiner, CO Marketing Development, Flag Land Base

“Folks are just so doggone crazy about those “all you can eat” specials at wog restaurants,” observed Dr. Eldon Weiner, CO Marketing Development, Flag Land Base.

“The Olive Garden offered its  a ‘Never Ending Pasta Bowl‘ last year and served 13,000,000 bowls of pasta! That’s a whole lotta pasta!”

“And that’s why we at Flag are jumping on the ‘all you can eat’ bandwagon by offering our own All You Can Audit! special for the next three months!

DM.117“We want folks to come to Flag and splurge on auditing all day everyday!

“Take as many intensives as you want and gorge yourselves on endless F/N’s and wins!”

“Flag’s super-exciting and super-theta All You Can Audit! special works this way: Donate $250,000 on advance payment, grab the cans, and let err rip!”

“We have a coupla’ hundred Flag auditors ready and waiting, not busy, willing and able to rocket pc’s up the Bridge. So come to Flag today and start winning!”

Disclaimer: $250,000 nonrefundable for eternity. All participants agree to re-do and complete the Basics and the GAT II Purif when they route onto the All You Can Audit! promotional program. Participants further agree to neve, ever, ever  sue COB RTC, FSO, FSSO, CSI, RTC, IAS, CST, CSRT, SIRT, SOR, YSCOHB, WISE, ABLE, or even the defunct CSC. All disputes are subject to arbitration in the Netherland Antilles at your expense before our hand-picked Cuban magistrate and his brutal deputies. All ordered Ethics cycles, sec checks retreads, and redos must be paid for with new money. All course materials must be paid for with new money. Success stories must praise COB RTC for his glorious works or a fine of $50,000 and a significant beating out back in the alley will be assessed for each infraction. The All You Can Audit! promotion additonally requires that participants stay in shared (eight to a room) Flag-only accommodations and eat only at Flag restaurants. Super Power Rundowns not included in this promotion. Further, this promotion specifically excludes free drink refills at all Flag restaurants so don’t even ask! A fuel surcharge of $150 per day per person for The Freewinds applies. All cell phones, laptops, and other electronic devices must be surrendered upon check in. All passports and other forms of personal identification must be surrendered upon check in. All participants agree to undergo regular body cavity searches and head x-rays.  Psychiatrists are excluded from this offer. Participants agree to not rabbit from the Purif, blow the Base, or go Type III on any public sidewalk or street.

9 responses to “Announcing Flag’s “All You Can Audit” Special!

  1. Just to help the folks with poor vision:

    Disclaimer: $250,000 nonrefundable for eternity. All participants agree to re-do and complete the Basics and the GAT II Purif when they route onto the All You Can Audit! promotional program. Participants further agree to neve, ever, ever sue COB RTC, FSO, FSSO, CSI, RTC, IAS, CST, CSRT, SIRT, SOR, YSCOHB, WISE, ABLE, or even the defunct CSC. All disputes are subject to arbitration in the Netherland Antilles at your expense before our hand-picked Cuban magistrate and his brutal deputies. All ordered Ethics cycles, sec checks retreads, and redos must be paid for with new money. All course materials must be paid for with new money. Success stories must praise COB RTC for his glorious works or a fine of $50,000 and a significant beating out back in the alley will be assessed for each infraction. The All You Can Audit! promotion additonally requires that participants stay in shared (eight to a room) Flag-only accommodations and eat only at Flag restaurants. Super Power Rundowns not included in this promotion. Further, this promotion specifically excludes free drink refills at all Flag restaurants so don’t even ask! A fuel surcharge of $150 per day per person for The Freewinds applies. All cell phones, laptops, and other electronic devices must be surrendered upon check in. All passports and other forms of personal identification must be surrendered upon check in. All participants agree to undergo regular body cavity searches and head x-rays. Psychiatrists are excluded from this offer. Participants agree to not rabbit from the Purif, blow the Base, or go Type III on any public sidewalk or street.

    Thanks, RTC!

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    • Those with poor vision simply have too many whole-track ridges gumming up the works of their optic nerves. The solution is to gaze upon the most theta thing you can find – thus flooding those nerves with ridge-busting theta. I suggest pictures of our glorious leader COB at ideal org grand openings. That always blows those ridges for me!!!

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      • So that’s why Nancy Cartwright is still wearing glasses despite having reached OTVII. She hasn’t spent enough time looking at pictures of our brilliant, infallible, and very, very able COB!!!!! Send her directly to the nearest ethics office!!!!!!!!!!!! What are her crimes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

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  2. Addendum: Clear and OTs with poor vision are not qualified for this free offer, unless free fixed donation is sufficient. See your local registrar for details.

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  3. I’ve got my checkbook!

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  4. Reading this, we ask ourselves whether this is ridiculous gut busting satire skirting the edge of preposterous truth….or is it actually preposterous truth morphing itself into ridiculous gut busting satire.

    With Scientology, one can never be sure….so keep in mind the maxim:

    What is true for COB had better be true for you….or else.

    Like

  5. A never ending intensive of sec checks? Oh boy I’m writing my check now COB!!!

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  6. The next special event that all scientologists are going to be doggone crazy about is the ” ALL YOU CAN DONATE” event or “The NEVER ENDING DONATION BOWL”, where people just put their never ending donations into a BIG bowl. I´m not quite sure which one of them it will be, but I´m sure it´s going to be a lot of fun and a raving success. It will be launched shortly after the “NEVER ENDING SEC CHECKING” event that we´re all so excited about participating in.

    These are truly new times in Scientology, influencing the entire planet, and I am looking forward to it!!!
    As a matter of fact, I can´t wait – that´s how doggone excited I am!!!

    Like

  7. Dr. Wiener forgot one clause in his terms and conditions: “Must provide own toilet-paper.”

    Like

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