Tag Archives: Celebrity Centre

Danny Masterson Appearance at Scientology’s Christmas Party Cancelled

Scientologists Jenna Elfman, Laura Prepon, Erika Christensen, and Danny Masterson in the “good old days” before Masterson was accused of raping four women

“Danny Masterson’s traditional appearance as Santa Claus at the Scientology Celebrity Centre’s Christmas gala has been cancelled,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

When asked to comment on the allegations that Scientologist Danny “Donkey Punch” Masterson raped four women, and may have even choked or drugged them during the alleged rapes, Delusion stated, ““The Church adamantly denies the implication the Church would ignore the criminal behavior of certain members, especially at the expense of alleged victims. What is being stated is utterly untrue. This has nothing to do with religion. This story is being manipulated to push a bigoted agenda. The Church follows all laws and cooperates with law enforcement. Any statement or implication to the contrary is false.”

When asked what his bloviating non-statement actually meant, Delusion remarked that if saving Scientology meant throwing Masterson under the bus then COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has decreed that this would happen. “Look,” Delusion said, “the Democrats are going to throw Senator Al Franken under the bus to save the party. Well then we in Scientology are doing the same thing with Danny Masterson after our extensive efforts at stonewalling and bribery have failed. Our friends at the LAPD and the L.A. District Attorney’s Office are getting real nervous about the Masterson situation. And if they’re nervous why then Mr. Miscavige is nervous too.”

“If Danny Masterson is convicted and goes to prison then it means that he was never a real Scientologist. Delusion noted. “Therefore, declaring him an SP and getting rid of him is the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics.”

Netflix could not be reached for comment as it was hiding under its desk and had the door to its office locked.

Danny Masterson to Speak on Human Rights at the Scientology Celebrity Centre

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Scientologist and Humanitarian Danny Masterson will be speaking this weekend on human rights at the Scientology Celebrity Centre. The LAPD and LA District Attorney Jackie Lacie will also be in attendance to present Masterson with an award for his humanitarian work. Tickets are $2500.00. Proceeds will benefit the annual “Christmas Gift for COB” fundraiser.

Kevin Spacey Turns to Scientology for Help

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“His career in free fall, actor Kevin Spacey has turned to Scientology’s Celebrity Centre for help,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Spacey follows in the footsteps of Harvey Weinstein who turned to Scientology for help last month.”

“Scientology is quite happy to be the last refuge of wealthy scoundrels,” Delusion noted. “And we soon expect other Hollywood A-listers to come to the Celebrity Centre as things continue to go to hell in Hollywood — and please be assured that Scientology is very much behind the efforts to make sure all of the bad people in Hollywood are exposed!”

“This is Scientology’s retaliation for South Park, Going Clear, and every other suppressive thing Hollywood has done to us in the past ten years,” Delusion acidly remarked.

Harvey Weinstein Turns to the Scientology Celebrity Centre for Help


“Disgraced Hollywood honcho Harvey Weinstein has turned to the Church of Scientology’s Celebrity Centre for help,” reported Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Mr. Weinstein is currently staying in the penthouse at the Celebrity Centre and is receiving intensive Scientology auditing to help him handle his sexual harassment engrams,” Delusion noted. “Mr. Weinstein is confessing all of his crimes in a Scientology procedure known as a ‘sec check.'”

“Mr. Weinstein can rest assured that his confessional information is safe with Scientology and will never be used against him. Tom Cruise and John Travolta can attest to the fact that they have never once been blackmailed by Scientology over the filthy and lurid secrets they have given up in auditing,” Delusion assured reporters.

“In gratitude for Scientology taking him in and helping him when no one else would, Harvey Weinstein has already donated $2.5 million to the IAS.”

“In happier news,” Delusion remarked, “Harvey Weinstein will be dining with Scientologist Danny Masterson this evening to discuss Scientology techniques for handling scurrilous attacks upon one’s character known as ‘Black PR.’ At present, Danny Masterson is handling Black PR with the help of his criminal defense attorney and Scientology’s Office of Special Affairs.”

RTC Secret Memo: Celebrities


Actress Elisabeth Moss Joins Scientology’s Elite “Fuck You” Club

COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has determined that celebrities pose too many risks to Scientology. Therefore, COB decrees the following:

1. Thanks to a generous $500,000,000 donation, the Celebrity Centre Int will be renamed The Bob Duggan Scientology Success in Life Centre. Only those Scientologists with an annual income of $3,000,000 USD or more are eligible to join the BDSSILC. The emphasis will be on success, money, IAS Patron Status, and not on celebrity or going up the, uhh, that thing, err, what’s it called? The Bridge to total, umm, something. Whatever it was the Founder was hobbyhorsing about all time with his complicated charts and scales and whatnot. We in RTC aren’t really into it because if you’re a major IAS Patron you’re automatically an OT8 so don’t worry about it.

2. Grant and Elena Cardone will chair the BDSSILC OT Committee.

3. Except for Tom Cruise and a few others, most of the existing Scientology celebrities are demoted to the status of PAC Base publics. None of them have done us any good. Tom Cruise will become a BDSSILC public.

4. Due to their creepy and embarrassing videos, Bodhi and Jenna Elfman are demoted to SFV publics and ordered to move to the Valley. They have lost their Hollywood/Los Feliz privileges for gross out ethics.

5. Elisabeth Moss flipping off the camera at the Emmys was too much for COB. Moss is being sec checked at Int Base for the next several months on her evil purposes to destroy Scientology.

6. Just as STAND has created fake stock photo Scientologists, the Church will create fake stock photo celebrity members. Stock photo Scientology celebrities pose no PR risks and will not escape and write books or do television shows. Our launch stock photo Scientology celebrity is Angelia Joolie:

Winning with Scientology

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COB RTC David Miscavige & Mr. Danny Masterson to headline at the Winning with Scientology Seminar at Celebrity Centre! Seats are limited. Book your tickets now. Event to be held in the CC Donkey Punch Pavilion.

Also speaking at the event will be LAPD Captain David Storaker and other LAPD command personnel whose consistent praise for the Church of Scientology shows just how much we in Scientology own these wog cops.

 

Reverend David Miscavige Voted “Best Religious Leader in the World”for 27th Consecutive Year!

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“The World Holiness Ordained Religious Educators Society has unanimously voted the Reverend David Miscavige the “Best Religious Leader in the World” for the 27th consecutive year in a row,” declared Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

World Holiness Ordained Religious Educators Society chairman and educator Dr.  Donald Westcrook presented the trophy to the Rev. David Miscavige at the awards ceremony held at the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood.”

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Rev. David Miscavige

“Scientology shines as a light in the darkness,” declared Dr. Westcrook. “And so it is that the forces of darkness seek to attack, impugn, and vilify Rev. Miscavige in his unrelenting humanitarian mission to bring sanity, literacy, and effective Scientology solutions for living to the troubled and disturbed Wog World.”

“But beyond his humanitarian mission, Rev. Miscavige also financially subsidizes we who are religious scholars and educators to ensure that a fair and balanced picture of Scientology can be heard over the roar of bitter defrocked apostates, bigots, and those Scientology haters who swim in the filthy entheta-filled swamps of the internet.

“And that is why we of the World Holiness Ordained Religious Educators Society condemn ABC 20/20, St. Martin’s Press, and Silvertail Books in the UK for promoting and publishing an upcoming book the title of which we shall not speak!”

As the Rev. Miscavige was very busy helping handicapped orphans at a nearby orphanage, Mr. Ken Delusion accepted the esteemed Reverend’s 27th consecutive trophy as the World’s Best Religious Leader. The ceremony ended with a prayer for tolerance and human rights.