Tag Archives: Celebrity Centre

Harvey Weinstein Turns to the Scientology Celebrity Centre for Help


“Disgraced Hollywood honcho Harvey Weinstein has turned to the Church of Scientology’s Celebrity Centre for help,” reported Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Mr. Weinstein is currently staying in the penthouse at the Celebrity Centre and is receiving intensive Scientology auditing to help him handle his sexual harassment engrams,” Delusion noted. “Mr. Weinstein is confessing all of his crimes in a Scientology procedure known as a ‘sec check.'”

“Mr. Weinstein can rest assured that his confessional information is safe with Scientology and will never be used against him. Tom Cruise and John Travolta can attest to the fact that they have never once been blackmailed by Scientology over the filthy and lurid secrets they have given up in auditing,” Delusion assured reporters.

“In gratitude for Scientology taking him in and helping him when no one else would, Harvey Weinstein has already donated $2.5 million to the IAS.”

“In happier news,” Delusion remarked, “Harvey Weinstein will be dining with Scientologist Danny Masterson this evening to discuss Scientology techniques for handling scurrilous attacks upon one’s character known as ‘Black PR.’ At present, Danny Masterson is handling Black PR with the help of his criminal defense attorney and Scientology’s Office of Special Affairs.”

RTC Secret Memo: Celebrities


Actress Elisabeth Moss Joins Scientology’s Elite “Fuck You” Club

COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has determined that celebrities pose too many risks to Scientology. Therefore, COB decrees the following:

1. Thanks to a generous $500,000,000 donation, the Celebrity Centre Int will be renamed The Bob Duggan Scientology Success in Life Centre. Only those Scientologists with an annual income of $3,000,000 USD or more are eligible to join the BDSSILC. The emphasis will be on success, money, IAS Patron Status, and not on celebrity or going up the, uhh, that thing, err, what’s it called? The Bridge to total, umm, something. Whatever it was the Founder was hobbyhorsing about all time with his complicated charts and scales and whatnot. We in RTC aren’t really into it because if you’re a major IAS Patron you’re automatically an OT8 so don’t worry about it.

2. Grant and Elena Cardone will chair the BDSSILC OT Committee.

3. Except for Tom Cruise and a few others, most of the existing Scientology celebrities are demoted to the status of PAC Base publics. None of them have done us any good. Tom Cruise will become a BDSSILC public.

4. Due to their creepy and embarrassing videos, Bodhi and Jenna Elfman are demoted to SFV publics and ordered to move to the Valley. They have lost their Hollywood/Los Feliz privileges for gross out ethics.

5. Elisabeth Moss flipping off the camera at the Emmys was too much for COB. Moss is being sec checked at Int Base for the next several months on her evil purposes to destroy Scientology.

6. Just as STAND has created fake stock photo Scientologists, the Church will create fake stock photo celebrity members. Stock photo Scientology celebrities pose no PR risks and will not escape and write books or do television shows. Our launch stock photo Scientology celebrity is Angelia Joolie:

Winning with Scientology

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COB RTC David Miscavige & Mr. Danny Masterson to headline at the Winning with Scientology Seminar at Celebrity Centre! Seats are limited. Book your tickets now. Event to be held in the CC Donkey Punch Pavilion.

Also speaking at the event will be LAPD Captain David Storaker and other LAPD command personnel whose consistent praise for the Church of Scientology shows just how much we in Scientology own these wog cops.

 

Reverend David Miscavige Voted “Best Religious Leader in the World”for 27th Consecutive Year!

Trophy

“The World Holiness Ordained Religious Educators Society has unanimously voted the Reverend David Miscavige the “Best Religious Leader in the World” for the 27th consecutive year in a row,” declared Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

World Holiness Ordained Religious Educators Society chairman and educator Dr.  Donald Westcrook presented the trophy to the Rev. David Miscavige at the awards ceremony held at the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood.”

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Rev. David Miscavige

“Scientology shines as a light in the darkness,” declared Dr. Westcrook. “And so it is that the forces of darkness seek to attack, impugn, and vilify Rev. Miscavige in his unrelenting humanitarian mission to bring sanity, literacy, and effective Scientology solutions for living to the troubled and disturbed Wog World.”

“But beyond his humanitarian mission, Rev. Miscavige also financially subsidizes we who are religious scholars and educators to ensure that a fair and balanced picture of Scientology can be heard over the roar of bitter defrocked apostates, bigots, and those Scientology haters who swim in the filthy entheta-filled swamps of the internet.

“And that is why we of the World Holiness Ordained Religious Educators Society condemn ABC 20/20, St. Martin’s Press, and Silvertail Books in the UK for promoting and publishing an upcoming book the title of which we shall not speak!”

As the Rev. Miscavige was very busy helping handicapped orphans at a nearby orphanage, Mr. Ken Delusion accepted the esteemed Reverend’s 27th consecutive trophy as the World’s Best Religious Leader. The ceremony ended with a prayer for tolerance and human rights.

Scientology’s Front Porch to Infinity Flooded by El Nino Storms

Flooded Front Porch of a Guam Residence

The Church of Scientology’s brand new front porch to infinity, the same porch just celebrated by COB RTC David Miscavige at the New Year’s Eve event, was flooded today by severe El Nino storms in Hemet, California.

“Front porch access to infinity is blocked until the floodwaters recede,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Scientology parishioners will need to access infinity using the service elevator at the Celebrity Center for the next few days.”

“Temporary RTC-authorized Celebrity Centre infinity elevator passes are available to IAS Platinum status members and higher for $25,000 each and are good for five rides to infinity,” Delusion noted.

“OSA is investigating those Int Base crims who pulled in this flood to sabotage COB.”

Going Clear Wins Three Emmy’s; We in the Church of Scientology Are Very Bitter

Church of Scientology spokesperson Karin Pouw

Church of Scientology spokesperson Karin Pouw

“The Alex Gibney HBO documentary Going Clear has just won three Emmy’s,” announced Church spokesman Karin Pouw.

“We in the Church of Scientology are very bitter at this gross injustice. This proves the Emmy’s are completely controlled by German Psychiatrists.”

“Here is Scientology’s short and sweet answer to Gibney’s so-called Emmy’s:

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Mike Rowe Declared a “Looming Threat” to the Church of Scientology

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We in the Church of Scientology have been informed by our wog lawyers that celebrity Mike Rowe has joined forces with the Psychs by openly and publicly supporting Spanky Taylor.  Per Scientol0gy scripture this is a high crime and Rowe has been added to the Scientology Enemies List of 1,892,504,211 Suppressive Persons and growing.

“The looming threat to Scientology posed by Mike Rowe is that he may inspire other celebrities to take a public stand against the Church of Scientology,:” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “This would be a very bad thing as we in Scientology have always claimed celebrities as our exclusive property to control with our intensive mental hygiene program known as auditing.”

“We don’t appreciate Mr. Rowe, or any other celebrity for that matter, poking their big fat noses into Scientology’s business,” Delusion added. “And so for this reason Fleet Admiral David Miscavige has ordered emergency measures be taken.”


TOP SECRET — EYES ONLY — RTC EMERGENCY DIRECTIVE Q

Fleet Admiral Miscavige is extremely concerned about the powerful new and emerging “SP Celebrity Centre” clustering around Going Clear and the Underground Bunker.

RTC Emergency Directive Q has been ordered: The Scientology A Team will confront and shatter suppression. Mike Rowe will be handled by this hard-hitting team of Scientology nuclear physicists:

And yes, Minister Farrakhan is a Scientologist. He has a duty to step in and help confront and shatter fourth dynamic suppression.