COB RTC Birthday Police Are Coming to Your Org!

COB RTC Birthday Police

COB RTC Birthday Police

COB’s birthday happens on April 30 and he expects heroic and monumental birthday gifts.

Accordingly, the ultra-elite COB RTC Birthday Police will be fanning out to all Orgs beginning this weekend to collect for COB’s 2014 birthday gift.

Sea Org members are ordered to voluntarily donate 95% of their weekly stipend to the COB Birthday Fund. In order to make this work properly, Sea Org pay will be increased to $1000 during the week the collection for COB’s birthday is taken.

The IAS is offering special mandatory COB Birthday Gift statuses as well.

CDM.10$10,000: COB Birthday Gift Patron

$100,000: COB Birthday Gift Patron Extraordinaire

$500,000: COB Birthday Gift Patron Maximus

$5,000,000: COB Birthday Gift Patron Golden Meritorious With Stripes

$40,000,000: COB Birthday Gift Patron Bob Duggan Patron Maximus Platinum

Please dig deep: COB is counting on you! And yes, Scientology parishioners refusing to donate to COB’s Birthday Gift Fund will be declared SP’s.

11 replies »

  1. Yes dig deep indeed people! This is our leader of leaders and and each and every one of you is expected to move up in COB Birthday Gift status as quickly as possible!

    After all it was He that found and fixed the precious missing tech that Old Tubby Hubbard forgot in his cupboard while loaded on pinks and greys!


  2. They say it’s the thought that counts. I think he deserves absolutely nothing for his birthday. Well, that is a bit harsh.. Everyone deserves at least a card on their birthday… I hope he gets one of those cards you hold up while your mugshot is taken.

    (To COB RTC: Only kidding with these stupid wogs, sir. I truly hope everyone digs down deep to stink palm you. make your birthday memorable!)


    • You were about to be sentenced to the RPF for your insolence Jimbo but you saved it at the end… for now. RTC has it’s watchful eye focused on you and will always find your crimes!


      • Ooh! Do you mean the Refreshments, Presents and Fun project for planning COB RTC’s birthday party? I want to be in on that!! Choose me, I have several ideas!

        For example, first idea: Chuck E. Cheese’s. Now, I may be biased, because I have still have unclaimed prize tickets, but I know COB RTC enjoys skee-ball, pizza and prizes as much as the next overstimulated child Ecclesiastical Leader.


  3. If anyone ever deserved a huge birthday present, it´s gotta be our COB! The way he he is fighting SP´s like Marty Rathbun, Louis Garcia, Laura DeCre……what´s her name?……..in order to protect Scientology and keep the tech pure, is awe inspiring and commendable beyond words!

    Likewise his total dedication to expanding our church and providing us with so many new beautiful buildings as well as countless underground vaults for the preservation of the tech forever are but a few examples of the daunting task he has taken upon himself and works tirelessly at day in and day out, in order to save this psych and SP infested planet for all of us.

    Because our COB is so selfless, never asking for anything for himself and never demanding to be the center of attention, I suggest we all dig DEEP to show him our heartfelt LOVE and appreciation!


  4. Decisions, decisions… what do you get for the COB RTC who already has (almost) everything? A burlwood dildo? No – he got loads last year, and now they’re even available online at vulgar wog websites like Etsy. A nice big jar of Gumbo Butter © ® the scrummy Theta-crammed LRH dietary supplement (containing over 50% genuine Dianazene and GUK)? No in italics – only an SP would dare to suggest that the planet’s foremost Scientological genius needs one more Marcabian pennyweight* of Theta in his small but perfectly formed body.

    Maybe, just maybe (to come back down to Teegeeack for a moment) what he realistically needs for the coming year is a “Get Out Of Jail Free” card that actually works…

    *(Equivalent to one-twelfth of a Galactogram, or five-eighths of a Xenuscruple in old money).


  5. Perhaps we can just give him Bob and Trish Duggan as presents? I am in for a double Patron Whaleus Forgottus My Walletus Status. Please be sure to let him know I am eagerly awaiting my trophy.


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