SP Gelato Chefs to be Attacked by the Church of Scientology

khrushchev-1“It has come to the attention of we in the senior ecclesiastical strata of RTC that a new and virulent strain of SP has emerged,” announced Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman.

“This new and virulent strain of SP’s has been identified by OSA as Gelato chefs.”

“Incredible as it may seem,” Comrade Dr. Wonderman noted, “Gelato chefs are members of a secret society bent upon destroying the Church of Scientology.”

gelato41“And, yes, while the Gelato these chefs make is admittedly delicious and of very high and professional quality, this quality only serves to conceal their suppressive nature.”

“Indeed, the billions of innocent and unwitting persons on this prison planet  who clamor for Scientology goods and services would never suspect that the Gelato chefs of the world are conspiring to destroy Mankind’s only hope of salvation — a salvation embodied in the essentially unenforceable copyrights of the Church of Scientology.”

“The creamy deliciousness of Gelato makes the aims and purposes of these SP chefs only that much more sinister and diabolical. For this reason, Captain David Miscavige has issued a universal order forbidding all Scientologists in good standing from eating Gelato. Scientologists may only eat RTC-approved pie, cake, and pizza. Scientologists may not eat other brands of food that compete with our brands of food.”

“Beware of Gelato for, like the internet, its seduction is irresistible to all but the most hardened and disciplined of Scientologists!”

10 replies »

    • Exactly yes.

      A fat Scientologist is a sessionable Scientologist.

      We like our preclears to gorge themselves on pie, cake, and pizza and then get into session where the wins are *WOW!* amazing.

      One of our OT’s postulated that he would not have to wait to get a haircut. And then he went into his stylist AND THERE WAS NO WAITING!



      • A most wise decision by those in RTC. It’s certainly no surprise that under their stewardship Scientology’s stats are in highest ever range for the 28th straight year! Winning indeed!!!


  1. My favorite Gelato flavor is Peach. That reminds me–COB, did Peaches Geldof die because of a Scientology purify? How many others have? I know some PI lawyers who would like their names.


  2. In his quite understandable command-intention to promote only proper theta-provender such as Church-approved pie, cake and rice and beans pizza, Captain Miscavige COB RTC appears to have neglected to mention “GUK”, the LRH-devised dietary supplement that made PC’s “run better” and “Dianazene”, which runs out radiation (not un-useful when touring the Van Allen Belts). A large proportion of the constituents of Gumbo Butter,® the yummy tech-spread, consists of exactly these valuable substances, with consuming which, the subject is provided with a meal that is chock-full of theta in quantities undreamt of heretofore! (Available from all bookstore officers in ‘Macallan Malt’ ‘Rice’n’Beans’ and ‘Kool-Aid Menthol’ flavours).


  3. Oh I get it, this isn’t about gelato, this is all about former Scientologist Mike Bennitt isn’t it? I implore you OT VIII, do not denigrate gelato. It is indeed a tasty treat! that I have enjoyed many times in the Mars between-lives’ area.


  4. As a never-in I have scoffed at others who fell for the mind control of Scientology. But that was before I viewed this glorious piece of Italian film. Gelato, gelato, gelato…I love you!
    It is all I can think about.
    I am in a happy pink delirium, but my hubs is concerned.
    He is wondering, can someone please send me a deprogrammer?
    (And a” friend” of mine wants a pint of strawberry too.)
    I need help to make this go right.
    BTW peachy counter intentions are not appreciated.
    Thank you in advance :).


  5. Out on walk around town earlier, I passed a smiling wog couple and their young wog son. I noticed that wog jr. was eating a gelato cone and so, thinking quickly, I ran back and slapped it out his hand before he could consume any more of it. And the young wog’s father didn’t even thank me! It was like:

    WOG DAD: What the [expletive] was that?!?

    ME: Don’t be enturbulated, wog. That was gelato he was eating. You’ll thank me soon enough.

    WOG DAD: What the [expletive] did you just say??! It was an ice cream cone you maniac! What kind of crazy are you?! Is this a YouTube thing??

    ME: What kind of crazy are YOU???!!!!?! What are YOUR crimes???!

    WOG DAD: Yeah, speaking of crimes … [incoherent]

    At that point I couldn’t make out what he was saying because I was sprinting away as soon as he pulled out his cellphone… Most wogs here will call the cops when you conefront and shatter them so effectively. But I think I’m safe. I’ve been hiding in a dumpster in the alley behind an ice cream parlor for about 2 hours or so. I haven’t heard any wog cops so far. I’ll post an update when I can.


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