Tag Archives: Russia

Scientology’s New Year’s Resolutions

The 100% Fully Ethical and On Source Scientologist applies KSW to his or her life and ruthlessly stamps out all sources of suppression. Are you doing your part to help Clear the Planet?

We in the Church of Scientology firmly resolve to be a fully Ideal Church in every way in 2018. We therefore make the following resolutions:

1. We will raise all prices 4000%

2. We will savagely destroy the internet and all other sources of entheta.

3. We will spy on more SP’s than ever before. We are spying on you right now.

4. We will tap the phones and hack the e-mail accounts of all SP’s.

5. We will mail COB’s Ecclesiastical Dildos to everyone we hate.

6. We will make insane videos attacking the Psychs, SMERSH, the CIA, Interpol, the Marcabs, Big Pharma, the Martians, and everyone else who is trying to stop Scientology.

7. We will erect a 1000 foot tall statue of COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige in Hollywood. This will be the tallest statue in the world.

8. Scientology Media Productions will broadcast something in 2018. We’re not sure what or where, but SMP will broadcast something. It will be much better than Leah Remini’s Emmy-winning show Scientology and the Aftermath.

9. We in RTC will immediately hand an SP Declare to any Scientology celebrity who brings Scientology into disrepute. We will no longer coddle these horrific monsters.

10. We will stop the godless Russian Communists from raiding our Orgs every other week. What the Russians call “financial crimes and fraud” we call the 100% correct application of  Scientology:

 

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Filthy Godless Russian Communists Attack Church of Scientology

PutinGodless Russian leader and SP Vladamir Putin today attacked the Scientology religion.

It happened in Moscow when Putin had his kangaroo court rule that Scientology is a business and not the world’s fastest growing religion.

“This is an outrage!” screamed Ms. Stayta Kleer, OSA Int CO of Global Significances.

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Ms. Stayta Kleer, OSA Int CO of Global Significances

 “Vladimir Putin and his fellow Psych Bolshevik buddies are obviously terrified of Scientology’s massive expansion in Russia,” declared Stayta Kleer. “The facts speak for themselves:

* Over five hundred billion square feet of planned new Ideal Orgs spanning Russia from Vladivostok to London.

*A  390,000x increase in Russia’s 197,000,000 Scientologists finding parking spots within ten minutes of postulating finding a parking spot.

* 100% On Source ecclesiastical beatings in Scientology’s 2,219,523 Russian Ideal Orgs.

“We in the Church of Scientology are royally pissed,” declared Stayta Kleer.”It’s obvious that the Moscow court decision is proveable bullshit — and that’s why COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has ordered us to sue those goddamned Russian Commie bastards!”

“The Way to Happiness just isn’t going to work in Moscow because the entire city is full of criminals who are high on drugs. This is true because it has been proven by actual research that only criminals attack Scientology. Seriously, just look at how the wogs in Moscow drive!”

Church of Scientology to Replace Russia in G8

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Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman, General Secretary of the RTC Central Committee for Parishioner Surveillance, Interrogation, and Wealth Confiscation.

Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman today announced planetary-changing news in the Grand Hall of Exact Data.

“Party comrades, I am pleased to inform you that the Church of Scientology has been selected to replace Russia in the G8, this after Boris Putin annexed the Crimea and Russia was thrown out on its big fat pumpkin head!”

“Scientology has been a world power for decades,” Comrade Dr. Wonderman noted, “and our inclusion in the G8 is thus a long overdue acknowledgement by the rabid and unwashed Wog nations of our inherent superiority, deluxe woolen garments, and unrivaled magnificence!”

The war is over!” Wonderman roared from the lectern in the Grand Hall of Exact Data. The 11,925 Cause Resurgence delegates rose to their feet and applauded Chairman Miscavige for many hours until their hands were bloodied.

POL868“I can also announce,” Comrade Dr. Wonderman added, “that the Church of Scientology’s official currency, the Engram, has been officially recognized by the G8 nations. We are also working to get France audited.”

“In order to facilitate currency exchange, I myself have caused a formal table of our Engram Currency to be published in all of the leading newspapers of the world.”

1000 engrams = 1 rawmeatwog
1000 rawmeatwogs = 1 regcycle
1000 regcycles = 1 thetan
1000 thetans = 1 completion
1000 completions = 1 alteration
1000 alterations = 1 Golden Age
1000 Golden Ages = 1 bloviation
1000 bloviations = 1 COB

“The national flag of the Church of Scientology will continue to be the flag designed in 2007 by Comrade J. Swift of Vladivostok.”

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Scientology Leader Puts in Ethics on Boris Putin, Saves Ukraine

TSAR.DAVEChurch of Scientology Peoples Commissar Captain David Miscavige has once again saved the world from war and disaster.

He did so by sending 3,000 copies of The Way to Happiness to Ukraine.

These booklets immediately calmed the crisis and drove millions of Russians and Ukrainians into the 52,819 Ideal Orgs in the Crimea. Stats are now booming in the region.

Peoples Commissar Miscavige also put in ethics on Comrade Boris Putin.

Specifically, Peoples Commissar Miscavige placed Boris Putin into the condition of CONFUSION, this for his attempt to annex the Crimea and other crimes.

Accordingly, Comrade Putin must now find out where he is.

Chastened by having had Scientology Ethics so publicly put in on him by Peoples Commissar Miscavige, Mr. Putin walked dejectedly from his military helicopter and into Ideal Org Kiev to begin working up his way through the conditions.

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