Church of Scientology Suffers a Panic Attack!

Paramedics were called today when the Church of Scientology experienced another massive panic attack.

ambulance-ride“The sickly 64-year-old cult was reading the internet when it suddenly complained of dizziness and nausea,” stated Dr. Shirley Dye of the Hollywood Religious Hospital.

“The dizziness intensified and soon the Church began hyperventilating and screaming to nearby pedestrians that it was about to die.”

“Concerned citizens dialed 911 as Scientology lay prone on a public sidewalk while gripped in a fullblown panic attack.”

“The Church was rushed here to the Intensive Care Unit at Hollywood Religious Hospital,” Dr. Shirley Dye commented. “An initial examination revealed serious butthurt incurred after Scientology and many of its members were caught buying fake Twitter followers.”

“The prognosis for the Scientology is not good,” Dr. Dye solemnly intoned.

11 responses to “Church of Scientology Suffers a Panic Attack!

  1. I overheard Dr. Dye talking with colleagues after the press conference.

    “No question about it…they pulled it in.”


  2. Sometimes a home remedy is the best. May I suggest a chicken soup enema and call me in the morning?


  3. Experienced paramedics surely would have shown some mercy by “mistaking” the ampoules containing a sedative with the lethal injection stuff, and saved the patient from the long painfull deathroute that now awaits.
    Unfotunately for all, the paramedics had just graduated.


  4. This is a DISASTER of MAGNITUDE, comparable only with 9/11!
    All the bitter defrocked apostates on the fringes of the internet are in panic mode and only hope and pray the church will survive, since the church and its leader is what keeps them together. Their entire lives will be devoid of meaning if the church, and especially of course its beloved leader David Misckowitch, were to die.
    What should all the blogs write about then?


  5. Waiting for the IRS to declare time of death.


  6. This must be a completely different Church of Scientology than the one that is enjoying straight up and vertical expansion. RTC needs to sue this squirrel COS for copyright infringement.


  7. Someone call TC!!!


  8. Strangely he´s not answering anymore.


  9. Vistaril all around!


  10. 17 days in solitary confinement.


  11. Ok we seriously need to create some kind of award or trophy to present to J for this cuz I’m crackin the f up over here. lindahamel gland, snow white in appearance, gtf outta here! Have you ever thought of writing some stuff for the Onion as a special correspondent? I’m serious man, you should do it.


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