“We in the Church of Scientology are raising money on an emergency basis to send our Volunteer Ministers to assist in the search for missing Malaysian Air flight 370,” announced RTC senior ecclesiastical official Dr. Eldon Weiner. x
“Despite their best efforts to find the plane, wog authorities have failed and so now the help of the Church of Scientology is sorely needed,” Dr. Weiner noted. “After all, as Tom Cruise said, we are the authorities on the mind, on education, on getting people off drugs, and so it follows that we are the experts on finding missing aircraft.”
“But to find a missing plane takes money,” Dr. Weiner emphasized, “it takes a great deal of money. And that is why we are asking the public to dig deep and send us a donation of $25,000, $50,000, $500,000 or more. Do it now. Now, now now!”
“Indeed, in the weeks and months following 911, we had Tom Cruise dress up just like a New York City firefighter to help us raise money. We worked 911 like crazy because that was a real money-maker for us in the Church of Scientology.”
“That is what we in the Church of Scientology do: We raise money whenever there is a disaster. We raised money following the great earthquake in Haiti and continue to do so.”
“We raised money following the Virginia Tech shooting. We pitched our Volunteer Minister tent on the campus within hours of the shootings. Why, we even raised money following Whitney Houston’s death.”
“We in the Church of Scientology always step in to both help and to raise money following any major tragedy,” Weiner pointed out.
“And to sweeten things, the photo ops we get at disasters help us offset all of that horribly bad PR out there about Captain Miscavige and the Church,” Weiner observed.
“And so why this missing plane is no different. It is a way for us to make money by helping. And help we will. We have a somewhat firm plan in place that calls for Scientology OT John Travolta to fly around the area in one of his planes. Travolta flew into Haiti for us and that was one heck of a PR opportunity,” Dr. Weiner proudly concluded.
“Poe’s Law”: when a parody is so spot-on it could really be mistaken for the real thing.
I applaud the humanitarian efforts of the Church of Scientology in mobilizing the stalwart Volunteer Ministers in attempting to solve this mysterious disappearance and to bring comfort and succor to any survivors.
I recall their yellow-shirted efforts in Haiti when noticing the shortage of drinking water, promptly commandeered a large stock of water filled bags that were surrounding a medical X-Ray tent and gave them to those in need. And with true Tone 40 intention ignored the silly wog doctors who tried to claim that the bags were placed there to stop dangerous radiation.
In a disaster situation only Scientologists can help!
The ‘Freewinds’ is currently steaming towards Curaçao at 16.5 knots fully loaded with ‘The Way to Happiness’ booklets and I confidentially expect it to shortly change course to head to the Southern Indian Ocean to spearhead the rescue operation.
I love reading your comments! You are one of the most knowledgeable and insightful scientologists I´ve come across. You´re always saying exactly what I would have said myself, if only I could.
Once again the Church of Scientology is showing the wog world the tech of turning a tragic disaster into a fantastic fundraising opportunity. Wogs have so much to learn about greed and avarice from the brilliant mind that is COB!
Only Scientology tech lets your organization raise millions of dollars in the midst of a tragedy, while engaging in vainglorious self promotion at the same time. The best part is no one will audit your organization to find out how the money raised was actually spent.
Call our WISE business consultants today and find out how the missing Malaysian airliner can boost your company’s profile and its bottom line at the same time.
Lines are open…Call Now!!
On the subject of missing airplanes, Tom Cruise’s beloved P-51 Mustang “Kiss Me Kate” has not been seen in nearly two years. I heard Captian David Miscavige had it repainted to say “Bite Me You SP Bitch” but I never saw that either. Sometimes charity begins at home. Maybe Scientologists should raise money to find Tom’s plane.
Hey, hey, hey! You stay out Tom Cruise’s 2D situation. We don’t need your kind poking their noses in places we in RTC don’t like. Your orders from the “Big Man” are to stay focused on raising money to find the missing airliner.
I was wondering when the COS were going to get around to this. It’s about damned time!
Gee I don’t know. This sounds like a $cam to me. Why not use oaty powers to find the airliner?
Yes, I heard that the COS is so smart that they never even spent any $ to purchase the water bottles that they gave out! So clever. Still tax exempt!!! Hurray ! do not forget the “First Res ponders” getting the Prurif and touch assists too .
CLEARly speaking if Scientology was….. oops sorry WHEN Scientology gains control over the entire planet mishaps like lost airliners will be a thing of the past due to Scientology having so much effective LOST TECH.
Oh yes, those touch assists will really help them. So will irradiated water.
I hear that millions of RPF Sea Org members are lining up to volunteer to be flown over and dropped into all bodies of water around the world to help. No body of water is too small or off limits for a jumbo jet to be lost. So, if you see flailing, yellow shirted bodies falling from the sky into an ocean, lake, pond or puddle, we should all salute and yell “Hip, hip, hurray”. $scientology works and it helps people!!!
Noooooo! That will restimulate the ice cube incident where we were all dropped on Earth by Xenu’s fleet!
Wait, can’t OT8s move objects with their mind? Just move to plane to its correct destination!