“We in the Church of Scientology are raising money on an emergency basis to send our Volunteer Ministers to assist in the search for missing Malaysian Air flight 370,” announced RTC senior ecclesiastical official Dr. Eldon Weiner. x
“Despite their best efforts to find the plane, wog authorities have failed and so now the help of the Church of Scientology is sorely needed,” Dr. Weiner noted. “After all, as Tom Cruise said, we are the authorities on the mind, on education, on getting people off drugs, and so it follows that we are the experts on finding missing aircraft.”
“But to find a missing plane takes money,” Dr. Weiner emphasized, “it takes a great deal of money. And that is why we are asking the public to dig deep and send us a donation of $25,000, $50,000, $500,000 or more. Do it now. Now, now now!”
“Indeed, in the weeks and months following 911, we had Tom Cruise dress up just like a New York City firefighter to help us raise money. We worked 911 like crazy because that was a real money-maker for us in the Church of Scientology.”
“That is what we in the Church of Scientology do: We raise money whenever there is a disaster. We raised money following the great earthquake in Haiti and continue to do so.”
“We raised money following the Virginia Tech shooting. We pitched our Volunteer Minister tent on the campus within hours of the shootings. Why, we even raised money following Whitney Houston’s death.”
“We in the Church of Scientology always step in to both help and to raise money following any major tragedy,” Weiner pointed out.
“And to sweeten things, the photo ops we get at disasters help us offset all of that horribly bad PR out there about Captain Miscavige and the Church,” Weiner observed.
“And so why this missing plane is no different. It is a way for us to make money by helping. And help we will. We have a somewhat firm plan in place that calls for Scientology OT John Travolta to fly around the area in one of his planes. Travolta flew into Haiti for us and that was one heck of a PR opportunity,” Dr. Weiner proudly concluded.