Tag Archives: fundraising

Flag C/S: Handling David Miscavige Engrams

DM.Auditing
The latest technical research at Flag indicates that Scientologists are too overcharged to handle David Miscavige engrams in session. In 90% of cases, the e-meter blew up.

The correct handling is to gradiently audit smaller engrams such as IAS fundraising cycles.

If IAS fundraising is too hot, then begin with Ideal Org ARC breaks.

If Ideal Orgs are also overcharged, then have pc touch the wall for a few thousand hours.

Scientology: Now Hiring Really Bad Elvis Impersonators as Fundraisers!

Elvis

Scientology is now hiring really bad Elvis impersonators as fundraisers. This is a commission only position and you must pay your own expenses. Pay is 3% of the take.

The fate of Earth hangs in the balance. This is why Scientology needs really bad Elvis impersonators to raise money.” — L. Ron Hubbard.

Emergency Funding Needed by Scientology to Prevent the “Henry Bemis Scenario”

Henry.Bemis.1

Scientology’s ultra-secret Church of Spiritual Technology has spent hundreds of millions of dollars constructing nuclear-proof underground vaults to protect the works of the Founder. When Armageddon occurs the survivors will be able to read and hear the written and spoken words of the Founder.

But what happens in the “Henry Bemis Scenario” when a survivor of Armageddon accidentally breaks his or her eyeglasses or begins to lose their hearing? If this happens — and it will happen following Armageddon — then Scientology’s Tech cannot go forward and will die! All will be lost!

Henry.Bemis.4
To prevent the tragic Henry Bemis Scenario, we in the Church of Scientology are on an emergency fundraise with a goal of $250,000,000 USD.

These monies will be used to build robotic optometry and hearing aid facilities at all CST vaults. Only by doing this can we guarantee the future survival of Scientology.

Scientology Fundraising in Action!

“You goddamn #*^&@#* SP! You call yourself an OT while you’re holding out on Scientology! Where’s the rest of your &*^(% money!”


“You call $1,000 a donation?! You’re not even close! Hand over the rest of your ,(&^*@# money to the IAS now!!!!”


Finally, an outdoor Comm Ev at St. Hill following a lackluster and less-than-heroic and fully monumental donation to the IAS:

Costume Fundraising Now a Bridge Action!

“Following COB’s ecclesiastical triumph of relocating the Purif and TR’s and Objectives to their rightful place high atop the Bridge after New OT VIII, Mr.  Miscavige has now found another piece of missing Tech,” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “And this particular piece of missing Tech is so vital and planetary-changing that it has become a very advanced OT Bridge action. This action is in fact OT IX.”

“And yes, COB is speaking of Costume Fundraising as the new and exact technical action that will blow all of the barriers and stops to true planetary clearing. So vital is Costume Fundraising is that OT III is its prerequisite, for only OT III’s and above can truly handle and confront dressing up like pirates or Star Wars characters in order to raise money for Ideal Orgs”

“Seriously,” Delusion stressed, “Costume Fundraising is harder than it looks. One really needs to choke down their case, and even their pride, to costume fundraise and only veteran OT’s can do it. Lesser beings would blow.”

Costume.Fundraising

“Per COB, Costume Fundraising  is a 100% ‘on policy’ action designed to boom the Ideal Orgs. The  new GAT II OT IX Costume Fundraising level can be delivered at any Org.

“OT IX may be done after OT VIII, or, after OT III and the completion of the GAT II Purif and TR’s and Objectives. Moreover, it goes without saying that one must also be a Patron Blatherer to even be considered for invitation to the super-deluxe and exclusive GAT II OT IX.”

“GAT II OT IX includes hatting on the exact technology of Ideal Org costume fundraising, including the theft of copyrighted property for costume fundraising,” Delusion noted.

Church of Scientology Raising Money to Help Find Missing Maylasian Airliner

sing.air777“We in the Church of Scientology are raising money on an emergency basis to send our Volunteer Ministers to assist in the search for missing Malaysian Air flight 370,” announced RTC senior ecclesiastical official Dr. Eldon Weiner. x

RTC ecclesiastical official Dr. Eldon Weiner

“Despite their best efforts to find the plane, wog authorities have failed and so now the help of the Church of Scientology is sorely needed,” Dr. Weiner noted.  “After all, as Tom Cruise said, we are the authorities on the mind, on education, on getting people off drugs, and so it follows that we are the experts on finding missing aircraft.”

“But to find a missing plane takes money,” Dr. Weiner emphasized, “it takes a great deal of money. And that is why we are asking the public to dig deep and send us a donation of $25,000, $50,000, $500,000 or more. Do it now. Now, now now!”

TC.NYFD“Indeed, in the weeks and months following 911, we had Tom Cruise dress up just like a New York City firefighter to help us raise money. We worked 911 like crazy because that was a real money-maker for us in the Church of Scientology.”

“That is what we in the Church of Scientology do: We raise money whenever there is a disaster.  We raised money following the great earthquake in Haiti and continue to do so.”

yellowtent“We raised money following the Virginia Tech shooting. We pitched our Volunteer Minister tent on the campus within hours of the shootings. Why, we even raised money following Whitney Houston’s death.”

“We in the Church of Scientology always step in to both help and to raise money following any major tragedy,” Weiner pointed out.

“And to sweeten things, the photo ops we get at disasters help us offset all of that horribly bad PR out there about Captain Miscavige and the Church,” Weiner observed.

“And so why this missing plane is no different. It is a way for us to make money by helping. And help we will. We have a somewhat firm plan in place that calls for Scientology OT John Travolta to fly around the area in one of his planes. Travolta flew into Haiti for us and that was one heck of a PR opportunity,” Dr. Weiner proudly concluded.