Church of Scientology calls 911

JL911: Hemet 911, what is your emergency?

CoS: Oh my Gaaaaaaaaawd! COB! COB! He’s locked himself in his bedroom and he’s screaming and smashing everything! COB has clearly gone Type III!

911: Who? Who is COB?

911CoS: Captain David Miscavige… he is, COB, the ECCLESIASTICAL LEADER OF THE SCIENTOLOGY RELIGION!!!!!!!!!!!

911: Is this Int Base calling again about Mr. Miscavige?

CoS: Yes it is!

911: And is this Norman Starkey calling again?

CoS: Yes it is and, and — well I’m just about to go Type III myself and start screaming and throwing things….

911: Calm down please Mr. Starkey. Why has Mr. Miscavige locked himself in his bedroom this time?

CoS: BECAUSE A WOG JUDGE IN TEXAS SAID THAT THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY IS A BUSINESS! WE ARE NOT A BUSINESS WE ARE A RELIGION!!!! WE ARE NOT A BUSINESS!!!

911: Mr. Starkey please don’t call 911 for non-emergency matters.

CoS: HOW DARE YOU! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! I EXPECT 911 TO SEND CARS HERE AND SAVE THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY FROM THIS CRIMINAL RULING!

911: Sir, 911 can’t save the Church of Scientology from its own stupidity.  Now stop whining and don’t call 911 unless it’s a real emergency! *CLICK* bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

8 responses to “Church of Scientology calls 911

  1. I’m sure a few dozen ecclesiastical ethics actions performed on degraded beings will calm our dear COB down.

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  2. I thought COB was at least OT XXVIII and channelled advice from LRH on a daily basis, which was why the church is doing so unbelievably well with its unprecedented expansion and all. Is there something i should worry about?

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  3. What comes as a shock to me is the fact that an enlightened and refined being such as the COB, who is at the very top of the Bridge and in constant contact with LRH, and who does nothing but GOOD, is able to go PTS. – I never imagined this could occur.
    God bless his poor soul!!!

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  4. Class VIII Koolaid drinker

    I love COBs sense of humor. Even in this situation he stays on top of things and demonstrates, that he can assume any state of beingness at will. Truly OT! He even has Starkey call 911. How funny! I still have so much to learn from him!

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  5. How in the Founder’s name did Norm Starkey gain access to a telephone!!?? Did security fall asleep or blow?

    Good grief! Does COB have to do everything himself?

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  6. Cob never fails, Never. He is just surounded by lawyers that fail. One of them is an SP but which one? Cob, you should Fair Game them all. Yes, that’s the ticket.

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    • That SP judge Waldrip quoted something Wallace Jefferson wrote when he was supreme court chief justice for the SP state of Texas. I would strongly recommend getting rid of both Jefferson brothers and any other lawyers who object to their removal. COB should also probably get rid of the lawyers who don’t object since SPs often fake agreement as part of their infiltration plans.

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  7. Oh Davey. Hires 22 lawyers, pays them $1,000 an hour and they contradict each other and trip over each others feet. Kind of like paying $300,000 for auditing…

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