The Church of Scientology Has Suffered Irreparable Damage!


“Although we in the Church of Scientology have the exact technology needed to handle anything in life,” declared OSA Director for Legal Affairs Mr. Frank Wonderman, “we nevertheless do not have, err, or at least we do not seem to have, we do not… at this moment have in our possession– the Tech needed to stop Sea Org and staff members from blowing — and often at alarming rates!”

“We lack the exact technology needed to stop Sea Org and staff members from blowing and then publicly yapping about how bad they had it when they were in the Church. To hear these people talk you would think we were a horrible cult running slave labor prison camps. This is not true. We are an Oasis of Sanity at all times.”

“Nevertheless, we in OSA Legal have resorted to our fall back position of using our wog lawyers to handle the problems that the Tech cannot. Accordingly, therefore, we have had our wog lawyers write some new contracts to prevent future blown staff members from speaking out. We will muzzle these people.”

david-miscavige-nashville-scientology-opening“Wog legal technology works for we in the Church of Scientology — and it works particularly well for COB RTC David Miscavige upon whose very bodily tissues and natural vital fluids rests the entire agonized future of every man, woman, and child upon this planet.”

Which is to say — and more to the point of achieving a fully embracive legal solution — and by this we mean an ironclad contract that, uhh, in so many words, prevents new staff members from ever speaking out if they leave.”

girl-biker“When a Scientology Sea Org or staff member blows, say, she literally hops onto a motorcycle and escapes into the night with only the clothes on her back, it is not like anyone else blowing.”

“It is they escape and *POW* they post the shocking insider details about Mr. Miscavige and the Church of Scientology and our leading officials, finances, and these blown staff members even post about how our Ideal Orgs, incredibly, do not have toilet paper due to our Finance Policy that actively discourages the purchasing of toilet paper when the money is so desperately needed uplines to pay for wog lawyers and PI’s.”

“All of which brings us full circle,” Wonderman emphasized, “to the irreparable harm we in the Church of Scientology suffer when our internal workings are exposed for ridicule by a wog public that does not, and will not, understand the exigencies and sacrifices of Planetary Clearing and explains why, there is, yes, ecclesistical brutality done with high ARC.”

“And although the damage created by such public exposures of our private affairs is irreparable and incalculable we in the Church of Scientology will nevertheless take $25,000 per occurrence for our aggravation.”

“Entheta has a price tag after all,” Wonderman concluded.

8 replies »

  1. As much as we hate to point it out, Captain Miscaviage and Mr. Wonderman seem to have a major MU. This results in an irreconcilable difference in realities with the wog world. Try as one might, it is not simply possible to equate Scientology’s “Acceptable Truths” with “Factual Truths”. Scientists have relied on factual truth not on religious orthodoxy since at least the days of Galileo.

    Perhaps stating it mathematically will help cognition:

    Factual Truth = Factual Truth
    Factual Truth ≠ Untruth
    Acceptable Truth = Untruth
    Factual Truth ≠ Acceptable Truth


    It is indeed a strange world in Scientology when this new contract (with its clearly unenforceable $25k fine) actually postulates that joining staff will result in staff members coming to the cognition demonstrated above quite on their own. It is reminiscent of watching a snake attempt to devour itself by the tail.

    Keep the Goldenrod presses running 24/7. You’ll need it.


  2. Yes, it is true, every member of the CoS has to sign these contracts promising never to reveal anything that happened to them inside the church because there is nothing to report. Every single member is happy, healthy and wealthy. Investigators at Jonestown discovered similar signed contracts, and, to-date, not one of the 800 plus individuals who signed those contracts has uttered a word against James Jones.


  3. Nice to see that Captain Blackhart resorts to good old lost policy of issuing fines for breaking the rules.
    “a fine of not less than £1000 sterling or greater than £5000 sterling shall be awarded the plaintiff and until paid, the defendant shall have no further training or processing.”


  4. They have been charging that fee all along. My x wife left the Sea Org and they tried to get her to pay for services received while she worked there. She was making $50.00 per week. The church wanted to charge her in excess of $40,000.00 in fees for services rendered. Being a good Scientologist she sent a letter to have the fees waived. It took 2 years to get the fees waived. I think she should have requested back pay to match minimum wage at the time instead. I think that would have made more sense. What do I know though.. I am just a wog..


  5. Why can’t “people” who leave glorious Scientology just keep their mouth shut and stay away from posting on the Internet hell hole, like in the good old days?.. No, they have to yapp endlessly about being blown from the cult, like it’s something to be proud about. And so they drown in wogness.
    Good luck becoming OT 15 and joining LRH at Target 2, SP assholes.


  6. Dear Leader is very generous for inflicting such a small penalty of $25,000 for each violation of the Non-Disparagement Covenant. This reflects COB’s true kindness, genius and commitment to total freedom. He truly deserves his own Bud Light “Real Men of Genius” commercials for all that he does, and OT’r8, I’m thinking you’re just the right guy for this series. Oh yeah! Here’s an example: http://youtu.be/xEYInUvLalQ



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