Tag Archives: blow

Tom Cruise’s Escape from Scientology Thwarted by OSA Special Forces!

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Tom Cruise yesterday tried to escape from Scientology’s ultra-secret compound in Trementina, New Mexico. The 55 year old actor bolted from his cell, ran across the tarmac, and grabbed onto the side fuselage door of a departing Scientology Airbus A400M.

A pair of RTC x-wing fighters belonging to OSA Special Forces Air Wing #9 were scrambled. The lead x-wing zapped Tom Cruise with a tractor beam and hauled him back to Trementina Base. Cruise is now undergoing extensive security checking in an ecclesiastical reform center. The actor is obviously harboring evil purposes to destroy Scientology and COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige. We in RTC will find Tom Cruise’s crimes. Let this serve as a lesson to anyone Scientologist who is thinking of escaping: Scientology will capture and punish you!

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The Church of Scientology Has Suffered Irreparable Damage!

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“Although we in the Church of Scientology have the exact technology needed to handle anything in life,” declared OSA Director for Legal Affairs Mr. Frank Wonderman, “we nevertheless do not have, err, or at least we do not seem to have, we do not… at this moment have in our possession– the Tech needed to stop Sea Org and staff members from blowing — and often at alarming rates!”

“We lack the exact technology needed to stop Sea Org and staff members from blowing and then publicly yapping about how bad they had it when they were in the Church. To hear these people talk you would think we were a horrible cult running slave labor prison camps. This is not true. We are an Oasis of Sanity at all times.”

“Nevertheless, we in OSA Legal have resorted to our fall back position of using our wog lawyers to handle the problems that the Tech cannot. Accordingly, therefore, we have had our wog lawyers write some new contracts to prevent future blown staff members from speaking out. We will muzzle these people.”

david-miscavige-nashville-scientology-opening“Wog legal technology works for we in the Church of Scientology — and it works particularly well for COB RTC David Miscavige upon whose very bodily tissues and natural vital fluids rests the entire agonized future of every man, woman, and child upon this planet.”

Which is to say — and more to the point of achieving a fully embracive legal solution — and by this we mean an ironclad contract that, uhh, in so many words, prevents new staff members from ever speaking out if they leave.”

girl-biker“When a Scientology Sea Org or staff member blows, say, she literally hops onto a motorcycle and escapes into the night with only the clothes on her back, it is not like anyone else blowing.”

“It is they escape and *POW* they post the shocking insider details about Mr. Miscavige and the Church of Scientology and our leading officials, finances, and these blown staff members even post about how our Ideal Orgs, incredibly, do not have toilet paper due to our Finance Policy that actively discourages the purchasing of toilet paper when the money is so desperately needed uplines to pay for wog lawyers and PI’s.”

“All of which brings us full circle,” Wonderman emphasized, “to the irreparable harm we in the Church of Scientology suffer when our internal workings are exposed for ridicule by a wog public that does not, and will not, understand the exigencies and sacrifices of Planetary Clearing and explains why, there is, yes, ecclesistical brutality done with high ARC.”

“And although the damage created by such public exposures of our private affairs is irreparable and incalculable we in the Church of Scientology will nevertheless take $25,000 per occurrence for our aggravation.”

“Entheta has a price tag after all,” Wonderman concluded.