New Ultra Mark VIII E-Meter: 50,000x Better at Detecting SP’s than All Previous Meters!

“The new Ultra Mark VIII e-meter is 50,000x better at detecting hidden SP’s than all previous e-meters combined,” Church spokesman Ken Delusion proudly declared today during a special press conference at Flag Land Base.

“This latest breakthrough technology in locating and shattering suppression is incredibly exciting news!” Delusion added.

The new Hidden SP Detection Features are made by possible by state of the art technology embodied in the Ultra Mark VII:

* Enhanced Paranoia Circuitry results in 10,000x more rockslams than before, thus allowing for early and precise detection of buried thought crimes.

Floating Needle Timer prevents floating needles of less than five minutes in duration from registering on the dial. In GAT II a floating needle is defined as, “the rhythmic swing of the needle persisting for at least five minutes.”

Floating Needle Signal Lights: So that the auditor is not confused, a red light on the Mark VII will blink to indicate a potential F/N in progress. At the end of five minutes, a green light will turn on to confirm that an actual F/N occurred. This new technology eliminates auditor “guesswork” by replacing it the certainty of electronics.

“In GAT II, an F/N has to be earned the hard way,” Delusion observed, “which is to say that the Scientologist must be suitably euphoric and out of case for at least five minutes — and this to an RTC video pass.”

Finally, to make the Ultra Mark VIII e-meter auditing experience laser precise, COB has added an unprecedented new GAT II examination step:

mri-lie-detector-1* Polygraph Verification of Sessions: Following all sessions at any Org in the Church of Scientology, Scientologists will be sent to outside polygraph experts retained by we in RTC. This polygraph exam is for our protection and yours. An extra fee applies for the polygraph exam.

“A sec check on the meter then follows to ensure that the Scientologist had no withholds on the polygraph expert,” Delusion remarked.

“COB insisted on this  new ‘belt and suspenders’ approach in order to make the Church safer than ever before from hidden SP’s!”

Thanks to COB, 100% standard auditing in the Church of Scientology will now be better than ever!

10 responses to “New Ultra Mark VIII E-Meter: 50,000x Better at Detecting SP’s than All Previous Meters!

  1. A photo of an old e-meter shows how wrong and ugly it is inside. This is why COB had to launch the new meter. You need to purchase two new e-meters right now! Do it! Go now!

    Confront the Horror of the old E-Meter:

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  2. It is only by confronting the horror of the old meter that you will run quickly and purchase two new meters!

    READ: AUTOPSY OF AN E-METER

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  3. Your old e-meter hates you, is giving you false reads, and is losing value by the second.

    IT’S TIME TO IMMEDIATELY PURCHASE TWO NEW E-METERS BEFORE SUPPLIES RUN OUT!!!

    Why would you keep an old e-meter when they are being dumped on the internet? Better buy two new meters now!

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  4. Fashionable and technologically savvy young people the world over are laughing you to scorn because you own the old e-meter! Time to “get hip” and buy two new e-meters!

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  5. The old E-Meter truly sucked! It looked like a fancy radio unit from 1984!
    And the Quantum label thingy kept falling off. GAT I – Pffft!

    So cool we now have Ultra E-Meter! The future is finally here!
    It is a digital theta Bugatti!

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  6. Will the RTC be coming out with sales figures of the MarkVIII versus the new PlayStation and XBox One? I haven’t seen any ads for Black Friday specials either. Would a free ashtray be too much to ask for with the purchase of two E-meters, GAT II materials and the Basics? Hell, I’d get up and in line at 4:00 am for a $59.99 L Ron Hubbard bobble head.

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    • We like the idea of a free ashtray with with the purchase of two E-meters, GAT II materials and the Basics.

      In fact, we will offer two ashtrays — a matching set — so that you can smoke and audit in both your bedroom and basement.

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  7. I’m shaking in my cloven hooves.

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  8. Wait a minute, I don’t see where the credit card reader plugs in (or is it built into it already)?

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