“The City of Clearwater, Florida is sinking into the Gulf of Mexico at an alarming rate,” declared Mayor Richard ‘Big Dick’ Bongo.
“The massive expansion of the Church of Scientology is causing Clearwater and the surrounding area to sink into the ocean.”
“Under the dynamic leadership of Mr. David Miscavige, the Church has expanded more in the past three years that it did in the previous sixty years. To support its expansion, Scientology has built two hundred trillion square feet of real estate in Clearwater.
“The weight of Scientology’s massive expansion is causing Clearwater to sink. We can’t fit even one more E-Meter into the City of Clearwater without drowning everyone for one hundred miles around,” Mayor Bongo somberly concluded.
The Church responded by stating that this matter is the City’s problem and not the Church’s. “The City of Clearwater and its taxpaying wogs need to make it go right,” sniffed Edna Engram, Director of Scientology’s Blame-Shifting Unit.
“Instead of fixing the problem, the City is engaged in bigoted attacks upon Scientology. A series of extensive dykes, pumps, and seawalls could easily be constructed for a mere ten billion dollars. Clearwater needs to make it go right.”