Clearwater, Florida is Sinking into the Gulf of Mexico at an Alarming Rate!

“The City of Clearwater, Florida is sinking into the Gulf of Mexico at an alarming rate,” declared Mayor Richard ‘Big Dick’ Bongo.

“The massive expansion of the Church of Scientology is causing Clearwater and the surrounding area to sink into the ocean.”

“Under the dynamic leadership of Mr. David Miscavige, the Church has expanded more in the past three years that it did in the previous sixty years. To support its expansion, Scientology has built two hundred trillion square feet of real estate in Clearwater.

“The weight of Scientology’s massive expansion is causing Clearwater to sink. We can’t fit even one more E-Meter into the City of Clearwater without drowning everyone for one hundred miles around,” Mayor Bongo somberly concluded.

The Church responded by stating that this matter is the City’s problem and not the Church’s. “The City of Clearwater and its taxpaying wogs need to make it go right,” sniffed Edna Engram, Director of Scientology’s Blame-Shifting Unit.

“Instead of fixing the problem, the City is engaged in bigoted attacks upon Scientology. A series of extensive dykes, pumps, and seawalls could easily be constructed for a mere ten billion dollars. Clearwater needs to make it go right.”

11 replies »

  1. I have a message for Mayor Perkins…We’re cause…you’re effect. You figure out what to do to handle the ensuing flood.

    COB is a competent leader, and even Admiral Tom Cruise said “he’s met all the other leaders.” Scientologists are POURING into CW, and not since Moses led the Jews out of Egypt to freedom has there been such a mass of people following their savior.

    Get with your other wog elected officials and figure out what to do….not our problem


    • Well, it seems the actual reason is that they need to discontinue building structures, not just The COS but, everyone else as well. It just so happens that the COS is pushing to continue development, which I’m opinion is Asinine. So if anything the COS should help these people who happen to be following them, because if they don’t then they have personality disorders beyond any help. You should want to help people, especially your own people when you have the finances to support helping them. And we all know the COS is loaded…


  2. Uh-oh. Now there’s trouble.

    Quick, someone audit that place back to where it was, STAT! Start by removing any and all fast food outlets in the immidiate area.


  3. Currently there are millions of Scientologists who have multiple pallets of the Basics shrink wrapped, lying around and ready to go. Use the books to build a couple of sea walls and fill in Tampa Bay, creating a few artificial islands like Dubai has done. With OT powers, a project like this could be done by Labor Day.


    • Now that is a bright idea! We can order Scientologists to buy billions of plastic clamshell packages of LRH lectures to build a seawall around Clearwater.

      In order to keep the plastic clamshell packages from floating away they will of course need to be filled with concrete to weigh them down.

      After we build a thirty foot seawall around Clearwater using five hundred billion clamshell packages we can then have a wog engineering firm cover it with three feet of concrete so that the ocean waves do not destroy the delicate plastic clamshell packages.

      This is a truly great use of the Tech to save every man, woman, and child in Clearwater from certain death!


  4. “We’re sinking….fast.”

    It’s a familiar refrain we’ve heard in our familiarization tour of the thousands of Ideal Orgs, but without perspective one could mistakenly conclude the comments were referring to bodies in shop since the Leah Rimini flap.

    Thank you for clearing this up!.


    • Well done on conducting your own familiarization tour of the thousands of Ideal Orgs. We hold you up as a model Scientologist who looks for him or herself and refuses to listen to natter, entheta, or enemy lines.

      So how crowded were they?


  5. There is only one way COB and save the Tampa/Clearwater area. Use the Sea Arggghhhh tech of ‘Ideal Tents’ and fill the tents with helium. The resulting lift will save Southern Florida and make easy Donald Duck impersonations. You may be tempted to cut corners and rely on the typical Sea Argghh diet of rice and beans to fill up the tents. Don’t do that, the risk of fire is too great and methane is a very bad green house gas.


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