COB RTC David Miscavige Sued for Saving Millions of Lives

We in RTC were shocked when one of our wog lawyers phoned us here at Int Base to inform us that COB RTC David Miscavige is being sued for having personally saved millions of people!

Well, let we in RTC tell you that we have ordered our wog lawyers to fight this battle on land, sea, and air, for it threatens to put COB RTC David Miscavige under deposition — and COB has an ALLERGY TO DEPOSITIONS!  This allergy is so bad that we in RTC have to rinse all of COB’s legal work in fifteen buckets of water just to get any whiff of a deposition out!

Attorney Jeffrey K. Riffer is perfectly happy taking the Church of Scientology’s money to fight for us. Mr. Riffer does not think we are a “greedy psychotic cult” or that we engage in horrendous rights human abuse as alleged. Quite the contrary, Mr. Riffer knows that we in the Church of Scientology are a sterling organization led by Mr. David Miscavige, a man of impeccable reputation.

Scientology’s fancy wog attorney Jeffrey Riffer of Elkins Kalt Weintraub Rueben Gartside LLP wrote to CNN, “Mr. Miscavige is one of the great individuals of our time.

Jeff Riffer will sue the daylights out of anyone who dares to blaspheme the Church of Scientology or its outstanding humanitarian client and global ecclesiastical leader COB RTC David Miscavige!

On a side note, it is too bad that our Mr. Riffer will not get the Scientology auditing he needs to improve his eyesight and get rid of those coke bottle glasses he wears.

As Mr. Riffer makes clear in his letter to CNN, COB RTC David Miscavige, “has improved, enriched or saved millions of lives.”

But Mr. Riffer does not stop there in his ebullient praise of David Miscavige, for he emphasizes the point that Mr. Miscavige has saved millions of lives, “personally and through the Church’s numerous social betterment programs that he initiated or expanded and that are available for Scientologists and non- Scientologists alike.”

Unlike Bill and Melinda Gates who have traveled extensively to Africa to donate billions and billions of dollars to fight AIDS — which as Scientologist Jenna Elfman noted is a state of mind and not a disease — Mr. Miscavige prefers to engage in actual charity.

Mr. Miscavige’s actual charity involves sending other Scientologists over to these filthy and disease-ridden lands to take PR photos and pass out a moral code called The Way to Happiness.

What these underfed and uneducated foreigners need is a moral code and, by gosh, that is what David Miscavige has offered them.

Whether they choose to take Mr. Miscavige’s moral code and use it is up to them.

We in RTC hope these unwashed foreigners can rise above 1.1 on the Tone Scale and actually do something with their lives or else David Miscavige will have saved them in vain.

Grimy unwashed foreigners have learned to read thanks to the Church of Scientology!

Grimy unwashed foreigners have “learned how learn” thanks to the miraculous beneficence  David Miscavige!

18 responses to “COB RTC David Miscavige Sued for Saving Millions of Lives

  1. Dear RTC,

    I thought perhaps adding a phrase to the yellow VM T-shirts would/should be appropriate. My idea is putting the phrase “WOGS SUCK” on the front of the shirt would cause more wogs to not want to be wogs! Expansion!

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    • While it is true that wogs suck, it would be Out PR for the Church to just come out and say it.

      What we in the Church of Scientology do instead is to put an erupting volcano on the cover of Book One in order to put wogs into a crushing and brutal restim on the catastrophe that happened in this sector of the universe 75,000,000 years ago.

      Wogs suck and they must confront the volcanoes!

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  2. You say that all those grimy unwashed foreigners are 1.1 on the Tone Scale. Gays are all 1.1 on the tone scale. Does that mean all grimy unwashed foreigners are gay?

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    • Global Capitalism HQ raises a good question, and one that has VGI’s (Very Good Indicators) which suggest that GC HQ is beginning to think and associate in Scientological ways, for indeed we in Scientology are concerned with such questions as just exactly who and who is not 1.1 and the why thereof.

      According to the Church of Scientology, the homosexual, or invert, and the grimy unwashed foreigner are 1.1, but with this one difference: Grimy unwashed foreigners breed like rabbits whereas avowed homosexuals most certainly do not.

      However, certain deviant and very wealthy homosexuals marry women who agree to wear a wife hat in exchange for money and a lavish lifestyle.

      Such couples have children in order to keep up appearances that the man is not a homosexualist.

      These sorts of “marriages of convenience” are very common in Hollywood. Homosexuals in this band are not 1.1 so long as they become Scientologists, donate money to the Church, and perform PR for the Church saying how beneficial we are to their acting career, fame, and fortune.

      We in RTC know of one particular homosexual for whom this has worked out very well.

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  3. It was LRH who said “No good deed goes unpunished.” Speaking of good deeds going unpunished, I am totally suprised nothing has happened to Fleet Admiral David Miscavige for giving his lovely wife Shelly, gainful employment opportunities for over six years. By now she must have the work ethic of a 12 year old Korean orphan.

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    • Much is made among Scientology haters of ordinary Sea Org member Michelle Barnett.

      Like all Sea Org members who have fallen from grace, Michelle Barnett is not special and she is expected to make up the damage she has done to the group. She is expected to work long hours writing up her sins and crimes while on post.

      Yes, we know: She is married to Fleet Admiral Miscavige, but this does not excuse her from the normal religious duties and obligations inherent in her one billion year ecclesiastical contract to put in Scientology ethics on this hellhole prison planet. Moreover, if by way of describing just how tough the Sea Org is, nor does it excuse Shelly Miscavige from stern religious discipline in our rehabilitation program.

      A Scientology hater could just as well be blathering on about Guillaume Leserve, Norman Starkey, or any other has been Sea Org member who got on the wrong side of Fleet Admiral Miscavige.

      Michelle Barnett (aka Shelly Miscavige) is literally on post, or actually a pole, as COB has brought back the monastic tradition of pole sitting made famous by Simeon Stylites.

      We in RTC have already said this, but we will say it again: Shelly Miscavige has been sitting on a pole now for several years as a form of ecclesiastical punishment for having backflashed Fleet Admiral Miscavige for his minor flirtations with a female Sea Org member, but this is really neither here nor there.

      What is important is that Shelly is safe high atop a pole deep inside of a forest in the middle of nowhere owned by we in RTC. Other Sea Org members are out there on post as well and will be for decades to come.

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    • I think Jeff Stone said that as well after being defeated on a C0$ related matter. I gotta find this now.

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  4. Yes, LRH was a great man–just ask his 3 ex-wives.

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  5. The people suing are just hiding their crimes. Now, if you talked to Miscavige’s niece, Jenna Hill Miscavige, you would know what Scientology is really like, wouldn’t you, OT8?

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  6. Anyone who writes a recipe for “iguana à rotisserie’ has my vote for humanitarian of the year and next top chef. All Praises to LRON.

    Maybe Grand Fleet Enema Dave Miscavige can finally get his tiny feet to Dancing With The Stars. He can put his tiny feet on top of Kirstie Alley’s and add the mirror ball trophy to his collection.

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  7. OT8,

    Dude, Are you going to be in our band? Also, would it be okay to use your garage to practice? We need to get new amps since Barb traded hers to a Mariachi band at a swap meet.

    Please do not tell your friend Davey about the band.. No one likes him. He truly gives clarinet players a bad name

    Rock on, Bruh!

    MwM

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  8. I miss Tommy Davis. Can you poke him with a stick to see if he is still alive? Please don’t let this be his last statement…

    ‘if it was true that Hubbard had not been injured, then “the injuries that he handled by the use of Dianetics procedures were never handled, because they were injuries that never existed; therefore, Dianetics is based on a lie; therefore, Scientology is based on a lie.” He concluded, “The fact of the matter is that Mr. Hubbard was a war hero.” ‘

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  9. Does COB have any plans for altering the diameter of Jeffrey Riffer’s asshole?

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  10. We in Global Capitalism HQ know the odd thing or two about high-priced wog lawyers. So we were recently mulling over the legalese that you in RTC released to try and stop publication of Larry Wright’s book. We were rather amused by the hagiography that Jeffrey Riffer penned on behalf of your most benevolent leader. But we figured that you could have done even better had you just gotten Danny Sherman to pen some of his usual lurid prose.

    The one thing we don’t understand is why Monique Yingling, the biggest gun in the Scientology legal canon, doesn’t appear to be doing much for your great leader lately. I haven’t seen her doing much for the cult, either. Has she given up on representing a client that now has so much toxic PR attached, and is now simplifying her life by representing the NRA or NAMBLA instead?

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  11. COB RTC David Miscavige’s personal attorney Monique Yingling is, apparently, mostly at home these days tending to her husband.

    According to what we in RTC have heard, Monique’s husband Gerald Feffer has Alzheimer’s.

    We in RTC hope this is not true.

    Feffer, of Williams & Connolly, has worked many times for we in RTC. In addition to getting COB’s ungrateful and blown father Ronnie St. off some unpleasant charges, Feffer was was also part of the whole misbegotten debacle of Hill & Knowlton and the Church of Scientology.

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