Please Come Back to the Church of Scientology

COB RTC David Miscavige is inviting you to come in to your nearest Org so we can sort things out and get you back on the Bridge where you belong.

2013 is a new year and we in RTC need you back in the Church helping us to clear the planet. Seriously, whatever evil purposes you had to destroy the Church of Scientology can be handled.

Whatever sick, destructive, psychotic and evil things you were doing to harm the Church of Scientology you were doing because you read entheta and lies on the internet. This can all be handled and it must be handled. Report to your nearest Org and start cleaning up your life.

COB will help you create your Ideal Scene.


COB RTC David Miscavige will help you to create an Ideal Scene as colorful and festive as the backdrops he uses when speaking in various cities before the assembled hundreds of thousands of of people who pay as much as $50,000 each to hear the pearls of wisdom that fall from his mouth. Sure, can COB blather on and on and on for hours like some tinpot South American dictator, but the point is that he is the biggest being in the universe and so you need to come to the event. And no, COB’s giant pinata-like head is not swollen from steroids. The fact is that COB has always had a big head.

For example, COB’s newly designed steps A-E are easier than ever:

A. Donate whatever money, cars, or jewelry you have left to the IAS. Basically, you need to give us whatever you have so we can resell it for cash. COB is in dire need of cash due to worldwide emergencies! You need to step up and help COB handle a world spiraling out of control!

B. Debrief OSA on the people you know who are spreading entheta and are out to destroy the Church of Scientology. We want full names, addresses, cell phone numbers, employers, e-mail addresses, and names of friends and family members. We need all e-mails, chat logs, and photos as well. COB has ordered the entheta to be stopped in 2013 and you are expected to do your part. We want the names of those under the radar, on the fence, and sideliners.

C. Join the Sea Org. Now more than ever we need people to handle the straight up and vertical expansion. Weekly pay is still about $11.00, but the food is better thanks to the Velvetta cheese we are now adding to the rice and beans. Meals are more flavorful and have fewer insect parts since we busted several OSA executives and sent them to the galley to wash dishes.

We in RTC busted several OSA executives for failing to stop the internet attacks on the Church of Scientology. We sentenced these idiots to five years of washing dishes to make up for the damage they did to the Church. Don’t let this be your fate! Stay off the internet!

D. Sign whatever OSA attorneys put in front of you and don’t ask questions. Just sign the papers and then you will be coached on what to say in court. Don’t worry about this part, just trust us on this.

E. Because we in the Church of Scientology do not practice Disconnection, you do not have to disconnect from anyone. Instead, we just want you to tell certain people never to contact you ever again. This is not Disconnection. This is just telling those people in your life who hate the Church and are spreading entheta about COB to please never call you, e-mail you, or write you letters.

We in RTC are so very much concerned about you that we do not want anyone putting entheta on your lines.For this reason, you must also agree to never use the internet without first obtaining permission in writing from OSA.

COB’s new 312 page policy makes the subject of internet usage very clear and all Scientologists are to M9 word clear this policy in order to remain in good standing.

Only by doing A-E as described above and joining the Sea Org can you provide an “Infinite Guarantee” that Scientology will always be around so come back to the Church today!


15 replies »

  1. So glad that your are upping the quality of the meals served to Sea Org staffers, as described in #C. In particular, it seems to be a clear indicator of your COB’s generosity that you’re using Velveeta, the premier high-end brand of processed, pasteurized cheese food, rather than some crappy no-name substitute straight from 20 years in some government cheese warehouse or some biotech startup’s tanks of yeast growth nutrients. Yum!


    • Unlike other global religious leaders, COB RTC David Miscavige is very much committed to using only Velveeta, for it is, as you say, “the premier high-end brand of processed, pasteurized cheese food.”

      Only the best for Sea Org!

      Moreover, Mr. Miscavige is also very dedicated to disseminating the Gospel of Velveeta to other exploitative religious groups that have a captive clergy they must feed everyday.

      Velveeta cheese simply makes legal religious slavery more palatable and delicious!

      Escape attempts from Int Base are down over 3% since COB ordered Velveeta added to the rice and beans! Now that is a stat and explains why Velveeta has become the official processed cheese product of COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige!


  2. “Please come back”? Awwwww. So plaintive, OTVIII! Are you in the RTC feeling lonesome this holiday season? I imagine that COB RTC David Miscavige does, what with his whole family blown and gone, and his niece publishing a memoir. It’s such a sad image, COB ringing in the New Year, all liquored up and wheezing, and no family around to berate and abuse.

    That guy is probably beyond help at this point, but I feel for you in the RTC, OTVIII. The Chocolate Velvet loves you, you know that. As-is your loneliness, it’s time for you to come back to the wog world, where we can finally be together… 😉


    • Chocolate Velvet, we in RTC sent your message directly to COB. He read it and then went into his office and poured himself a drink. He then locked the doors behind him. How strange it was, we in RTC thought, to see COB pour himself a drink instead of having his Sea Org butler do it for him.

      A few hours later COB came out of his office and asked us to post this, so here it is straight from COB:


      • Tell COB I got that. I ack that he is doing his level best to cognite on the true depths of his loneliness. I am deeply moved. Please give COB RTC David Miscavige this response:


      • Chocolate Velvet, we in RTC wish you had never posted that.

        COB has now locked himself in his bedroom and is playing
        a certain song over and over that we in RTC truly hate
        because it means hell on earth tomorrow for all of us.

        No really, now we in RTC have to listen to this damned song all night along with the sound of things breaking as COB smashes
        everything in the building and goes on and on and on about how it is the world against him and he is alone again (naturally):


      • Oh dear, my apologies to you in the RTC, OTVIIIisGrrr8! That sounds awful, no one should be subjected to that song! Perhaps now is the time for you to make like the wind, and blow. I’ll be happy to pick you up when you hop the fence at Int. This song’s for you:


      • Oh, BTW, it sounds like COB RTC David Miscavige is in great pain, but lacks the coping skills to deal with it. Tell COB that if he wants some help learning to cope with his epic burdens, the Chocolate Velvet is willing to come out of retirement to help him. Just have OSA hack into my Facebook account and post a message on my wall…


  3. With the decision to commit to Velveeta cheese, COB has once shown the bold and brilliant leadership for which he known throughout the land. He has managed to improve morale while finding the absolute cheapest processed cheese food on the market. A quick Google search shows that the only other generic brand of processed cheese food for which data are available — the Walmart generic brand — costs about 37 cents per ounce, while Velveeta itself costs about 18 cents per ounce

    By my calculations — one ounce of Velveeta X 2000 Sea Org staff X 3 meals of rice and beans per day X 356 days per year — the Walmart generic brand would cost about $790,000, compared to about $384,000 per year using Velveeta. This is a cost savings of about $406,000 per year!

    Using Scientology math, we round this number up to the nearest million and then inflate it by a factor of 5. From this data, we learn that COB has single-handedly brought in five million dollars per year!

    Oh sure, the financial staff where I work get all fussed up when people don’t distinguish among cost savings, cost avoidance, and revenue generation, or when someone makes stuff up. But what do they know? All those financial wogs with their fancy-schmancy degrees and not even one has read The Way to Happiness.

    To think what COB could do with all that money — send more books to libraries, improve the audition process for potential wives for Tom Cruise, and maybe even expedite the completion of the oiliness table at the new Super Power building.

    I look forward to hearing more about this in COB’s next four-hour speech.


    • Thetaesque, we in RTC like how you crunch numbers to bring glory to COB RTC David Miscavige. If you ever need a job, please do join the Sea Org and we will move you to the top of Int Finance where you will report to Captain John P., this assuming he wakes up, quits his wog job, and joins the Sea Org where he belongs.

      BTW, Thetaesque, we in RTC will be using your brilliant Velveeta analysis in the next edition of Freedom Magazine and Source Magazine to prove COB’s goodness, for COB can only be wonderful and good and kind given his gift of Velveeta to the Sea Org.


  4. OTViii, I actually like your song choices. I loved the tune of the Gilbert O’Sullivan song when I was a wee little Midwest Girl (and still do), but have a feeling I didn’t sing all of the correct words to the song at the time it was popular, given the content of the words.

    Such a sad song, but a lovely tune. Thanks for putting this up. 🙂


  5. OT8, you forgot one myth–that Rathbun and Rinder were high ranking, long-time, dedicated and well-respected Scientologists whose opinions should be credited by journalists.


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