New Robot Sea Org Members Under Design

Fed up with theetie-wheetie dilettante pantywaist Sea Org members who can’t take the stern religious correction of kicking, hitting, punching, choking, being thrown to the ground, or having their heads smashed into the nearest wall by Fleet Admiral David Miscavige,  we in RTC have hired wogs to design fearsome new Sea Org Robots:

image credit: Wired

“These tough new Sea Org Bot’s can withstand any form of religious correction, including  Fleet Admiral David Miscavige’s new sec checking technology called The Golden Age of Crowbars,” said RTC spokesperson Sheila Kellogg from inside a protective stainless steel enclosure that bore the telltale dents of savage and repeated blows by the Fleet Admiral’s new Crowbar of Justice.

“And the best part,” Kellogg added, “is that Sea Org robots do not need sleep, food, or pay. They will also not blow and go whining to the wog media about how unfair life is. Look, the fact is that there is really nothing fair about Planetary Clearing,” Kellogg sternly noted. “Scientology is, after all, a deadly serious activity. Sometimes COB punches you in the face when you screw up.”

“Deal with it,” she said from within her COB-proof protective steel enclosure.

The new Sea Org robots will be introduced in 2013, a year in which Fleet Admiral Miscavige has promised that, “All of the molly coddling of the past will end and the Church of Scientology will engage in Total War against the Psychs.”

“All the half measures of the past will end,” Miscavige said, “it is now or never. We need to put in Ethics on this planet or the world will end in Armageddon. That is why Scientologists really need to put in their own Ethics and make a profound and phenomenal donation to the IAS. Otherwise, all of the blood and butchery of a Psych Armageddon will be on their hands!”

23 responses to “New Robot Sea Org Members Under Design

  1. For an organization that doesn’t seem to do well at paying maintenance bills for far simpler sorts of equipment (i.e., the lack of elevators in the eight-story Berlin Ideal Org building), I am wondering how well you in RTC will do with the service contracts on these puppies. I bet the reliability of your first six generations of robots will equal that of the 1973 Chevrolet Vega, widely considered the American equivalent of the Yugo.

    By the way, how much does one need to donate to the IAS to be considered “profound”?

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    • Note: The elevators in the Berlin Ideal Org were sabotaged by Interpol agents and the replacement parts were stolen by SMERSH, this in a conspiracy to prevent Berliners from getting the handling they so very desperately need on their unrestrained evil purposes against the Church of Scientology.

      We have OSA working to locate and apprehend the culprits.

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      • Fo the robots have thetans? Do they have internal e-meters?

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      • Sea Org robots were designed to have no case on post.
        They have no case and so will never need to to be
        sec-checked like human Sea Org members.

        The Sea Org robots will be built using British Chobham armor
        so they can take whatever Fleet Admiral Miscavige can dish out.
        Fleet Admiral Miscavige can literally beat these Sea Org robots
        all day long with a crow bar or a pipe wrench and nothing will
        happen.

        As we said, the only real risk is that some of the Sea Org
        robots will erupt into spontaneous fires for several years
        until we find a workaround on the carburetors and leaky fuel lines.

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      • It is quite clever of you to specify Chobham-type ceramic armor for your robots.

        Reactive armor, the newer generation stuff that is starting to replace Chobham plates, would not be at all suitable for your robots, since it will tend to detonate rather impressively when your Fleet Admiral takes a swing with his pixie-sized crowbar at the nearest robot, blowing the crowbar out of his hands, and likely right back at him. That would be really, really bad news.

        Sadly, we in Global Capitalism HQ own all the makers of reactive armor but don’t own many shares of makers of old-style Chobham plates, since it’s the older technology, so we won’t be able to profit from your design decision there, the way that we usually do (like how we make money replacing all the psych drugs your Narconon grad robots steal from old people, as discussed above). Oh, well. I guess we’ll just have to console ourselves with the majority share ownership in Newmont, Barrick and all the other gold mining companies that will be selling you the 24k ingots you’ll use to plate the engines of your robots up to spec.

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      • Yes, that was part of the problem that our wog design firm Halliburton shared with us: Reactive armor would backflash Fleet Admiral Miscavige.

        Moreover, and in addition by way of summarizing the Golden Age of Crowbars, the fact is that Halliburton had a great deal of old Chobham armor and old Abrams M1A1 tanks in its inventory that it wanted to unload. It sold the stuff at a bargain price and that appealed to we in RTC.

        Fleet Admiral Miscavige wanted to purchase a few dozen Abrams main battle tanks and Bradley’s in order to handle all of the SP’s out there. Apparently, however, wog law prohibits private ownership of military equipment. This is just as well for we have the most potent weapon in the world and that is the Tech in the hands of Flag trained Class VIII auditors.

        All we in RTC need now is a new law that allows us to arrest and detain certain SP’s for a few months or years of auditing, starvation, and sleep deprivation in order to eradicate their evil purposes against the Scientology religion and Fleet Admiral Miscavige. A few million dollars spread around a cash-starved D.C. should make the Scientology Enabling Act a reality next year.

        In additional news, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige was asked to address yet another joint session of Congress on how to solve America’s financial crisis using proven Scientology fundraising tech that includes beating Americans, depriving them of sleep, conducting months and months of interrogation on them, and feeding them only one meager bowl of slop each day until they agree to massive tax increases.

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      • The new Sea Org Robots will be manufactured by a Lativan automotive firm and the Bots will be powered by, yes, the original Vega aluminum engine. Church purchasing agents located 10,000+ of these vintage Vega engines in a Detroit warehouse. Stored in cosmoline since 1976, these engines were purchased for less than $100 each.

        Initial testing has indicated the following:

        1. Each engine will cost only $2,210,892 to bring up to full operational standards, i.e. gold plating all engine blocks and components to bring the engines up RTC aesthetic standards.

        2. There is the small matter of cracks in many of the engine blocks that might require repairs. Alternately, we in RTC may elect to melt down problematic engine blocks and have them recast. Our thinking
        here is this: Southwest Airlines standardizes on 737’s that all have the same jet engines in order to save money. We want the same gas engine in all Sea Org robots in order to save money.

        3. In their first year of service life, approximately 22% of the Sea Org robots will spontaneously catch fire due to faulty carburetors and leaking fuel lines. This problem of spontaneous fires will be reduced in year two to 17%. We in RTC predict that by year five the problem of spontaneous fires will be fully handled. For this reason, wog fire crews will be kept at the ready 24/7 at all Ideal Orgs.

        4. All Ideal Orgs will need to be gutted and retrofitted
        with exhaust systems to handle emissions from gas-powered
        Sea Org robots operating indoors. This will cost several
        billion dollars and take several years. While this may seem like
        a lot of money, the fact is that we in RTC will make our
        parishioners donate it all, so it really is not any money at all.
        What we in RTC are after is eliminating the human factor in
        Sea Org that so aggravates Fleet Admiral David Miscavige,

        5. The new Sea Org robots will gradually replace our existing
        robotic Sea Org members and auditors, and so — except for the
        smell of gasoline, a few fires, and engine exhaust — the Church
        of Scientology experience will remain virtually unchanged.

        6. The Sea Org robots will be standardly equipped with a
        Windows 98 operating system to ensure seamless compliance
        with RTC’s existing computer systems.

        Please donate today to the Sea Org Bot Campaign!

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    • PUBLIC NOTICE: HALIBURTON DECLARED A SUPPRESSIVE CORPORATION!!!

      We in RTC were led to believe that the 90 horsepower Vega engine would provide sufficient locomotive power to move our ten ton Chobham-armored Sea Org robots. Now we discover that the first fifty first articles are faulty:

      1. Twenty-five units caught fire and burned down to their chassis at the Sea Org Robot Proving Grounds in Pahrump, Nevada. Fanned by high winds, the fires spread quickly to the nearby Sea Org parking lot and destroyed over thirty Sea Org vehicles, including a very rare prototype OT car that allows OT’s to drive while they are exterior with full perception.

      2. The incinerated robots are a total write off and are far in excess of the 22% prediction on loses to faulty fuel lines and carburetors. These units will be melted down and their thirty pounds each of gold plating recovered.

      2. The remaining Sea Org robots are underpowered and cannot move. These robots need diesel engines that can provide sufficient torque. Therefore, we in RTC have purchased 10,000 4.2-liter Olds diesel engines that were used in the 1979 Cutlass diesel. These engines have plenty of torque and were able to move around the large and heavy 1979 Cutlass station wagon:

      3. We in RTC have hired a new wog firm to take over the redesign of the Sea Org Robot program. This is a topnotch Yugoslavian firm that has expertise in automotive manufacturing.

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    • Hey my sister had one of those Chevy Vega’s. Her’s was a 1972.
      After the engine went south, we replaced it with one that
      had steel cylinder liners and it was a relatively trouble
      free piece of shit until her boyfriend overfilled it with
      oil and it blew out all of the seals a couple of years later.

      One needs to donate One Kajillion dollars in order
      by to receive the conferred status of
      “Patron Profundus Obtusatorious”.

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      • Thank you Scott. We in RTC are
        writing a long 5,000 page PL
        on how to maintain the Sea Org
        robots.

        We will include a most dire
        warning that overfilling them
        with oil will result in instant RPF
        for having evil purposes on a
        Sea Org robot.

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    • John, the Berlin Org doesn’t need an elevator. Scientologists can exteriorize and travel to the top floor of any building.

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  2. “The Golden Age of Crow Bars” – Man you fucking slay me!

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  3. Do the bots run on batteries?
    Fuel cells?
    Beans?

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  4. Robots?! All I can say is, thank goodness for Old Glory insurance. The Metal Ones won’t get my me, or my prescription drugs!

    http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/old-glory-insurance/229049/

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    • How prophetic. After all, the purpose of the new Sea Org robots will be to
      break into old people’s houses and steal all the drugs issued by the
      evil psychs. “Total war against the psychs,” indeed.

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      • Whereas the Psychs program evil robots steal the drugs of the
        elderly, we in the Church of Scientology use Narconon
        graduates to perform that particular task for us.

        As FSM’s, the Narconon grads keep a cut for themselves
        and then sell the remainder using their existing
        comm lines on the streets. The proceeds from these
        lucrative sales are donated to the IAS and in turn
        used to promote Scientology’s social betterment activities.

        We in RTC thank Chocolate Velvet for posting about
        evil robots and how the Scientology-owned Old Glory
        Insurance Company will cover the elderly for robot
        attacks.

        In looking at the SNL videos Chocolate Velvet linked,
        we in RTC noted that The Californians
        perfectly explains why Scientology “works” for a
        certain class of upscale people in Los Angeles.

        These people are all wealthy OT’s from Southern California.
        This video explains why and how the Church can reg
        certain types of people for millions of dollars:

        http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/the-californians-wedding/1420757/

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  5. I think these robots are being made to avoid Labor Law requirements and liability for human trafficking. Also, think of how much trouble Scientology would have avoided if Lisa McPherson had been a robot. Robots won’t object to being punched by Miscavige, and they won’t become “bitter apostates.” Also, they don’t get colds, so they are Clear, and they don’t have evil purposes. I’m curious, though–where do they rank on the tone scale?

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  6. Actually, the real reason for using robots is that they cannot access the internet.

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  7. Is it pre-programmed to say “bitter, defrocked apostate”?

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  8. Regarding your speech: do you agree with Mitt Romney that 47% of wogs are lazy?

    Like

  9. Pingback: Crafty Psych Nonsense! | OTVIIIisGrrr8!

  10. You are a master at satire! Too funny!

    Like

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