David Miscavige: Scientology is in a SERIOUS CRISIS and Needs More Money Now!


“Scientology is in a SERIOUS CRISIS and needs more money now!” brayed COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige at the Maiden Beating Event.

“Never in the entire agonized history of this planet has Scientology ever been in a more SERIOUS CRISIS. Never has Scientology ever needed money like it needs now!”

When asked what the SERIOUS CRISIS was, Mr. Miscavige would only say that it was an unspecified serious crisis that could, if given sufficient money, be resolved by next Thursday at 2:00PM.

After COB’s announcement of the dire and unspecified crisis, Scientology OT’s retired to the ballroom and gorged themselves on lobster, steak, shrimp, baked goods, pies, cakes, champagnes, cognacs, fine wines, rich chocolate deserts, and creamy white cake with buttercream frosting. Newly-minted Clear Stacy Francis regaled the crowd with her musical stylings some have compared to Yoko Ono.

11 replies »

  1. Scientology always seems to be in crisis because we are the only salvation for Mankind. Psyches, Big Pharma, the Trilateralists, and journalists are all out to suppress our efforts at salvaging this sector of the guh-lax-ee. To fend off this suppression we need money and lots of it. Specifics don’t matter, we just need more money.

    I have always wondered why we don’t just throw of the shackles of WOG considerations about money and mock-up our own Theta Bucks or something like that. OTs could certainly do this!!!!!!!! Of course, when it comes right down to it, where the rubber hits the road so to speak, there is nothing like some good old WOG cash, checks, credit cards, real estate, second or third mortgages, IRAs, 401Ks, inheritances, precious metals, pawned MEST, begged borrowed or pilfered anything to turn over to a Reg, MAA, or Ethics Officer to get you out of a(nother) set of Lowers so you can make case gain and get yourself up the Bridge to Total Freedom. That’s what it’s all about, right? Right? Good god I hope so…


    • Captain Miscavige accidentally slipped in the bathtub. That is how the U-boat become lodged in his, ahh, backside. Paramedics had to be called. A tricky extraction was required at the hospital as the, err, the conning tower, presented a rather unusual obstacle. The extraction of a U-boat had never been seen in the annals of medicine. Thus, COB’s singular case will be presented in medical textbooks and various medical fora.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. And I have David Headache # one billion! Beating maidens is the event all those well heeled enablers of David mark their calendars for. I never got champagne or vino in Sea Org plus desert was disgusting home made yogurt stored in a walk in cooler that was too warm with green mold through it. One of my first expedited tasks was cleaning the most horrible walk in for the mess that I have yet seen. I was gagging for days after in 1974. 😝


  3. I’ve read the story and seen the picture. I am getting the subliminal message that this is a fund raiser for Slappy Dave’s penile implant surgery. Can’t the man just but some Viagra? Just tell Big Lou it’s blue niacin. If he wants his wang to be as erect as his hair, just buy some boner pills. There’s no need for a big fund raiser. I am not pulling it in here.


  4. Ah-ha! The “Maiden Beating Event” – no doubt attended by a CIRCLE of JERKS, all Waxing The Kay; er U-Boat for lil’ Dave… Manly men doing manly things with men, no doubt, with Davey getting COB’d by Mr. Criuse’s Missile… The IAS, putting the “onus” in onanism, since 1984! And with that, I think I’ll just the rest better left unsaid…


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