Scientologist Tom Cruise Quits Acting to Become an Auditor in the Sea Org

Scientologist Tom Cruise announced today that he has quit his acting career to become an auditor in the Sea Org. “This planet’s not going to get cleared unless I help,” said Cruise. “That’s why I’ve become a Sea Org auditor at the Celebrity Centre — and that’s what all of us have to do: We have to sacrifice now to help to get this planet cleared.”

Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion remarked that, “Tom Cruise’s first preclear is a tough case, a new Scientologist named Harvey Weinstein. Tom already has Harvey writing up his crimes and this may take years to complete.”

2 responses to “Scientologist Tom Cruise Quits Acting to Become an Auditor in the Sea Org

  1. It is evident Harvey appreciates the phallic shape of the cans. It is good to see there are no potted plants in the room.

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  2. We are all well aware of Tom Cruise, the biggest movie star on the planet, and his down tone stats in the 2D department over the last five years. I sure hope this is not just some ploy to pick up chicks. The planet and its 20 million plus Scientologists deserve to see Mission Impossible 6, 7 and 9; Top Gun 2 and Cocktail 2. I would think Tom Cruise would have a better chance of bagging a babe in the movie business than talking body thetans off Hollywood starlets on the cans. Tom, get back on the phone and leave the voice mail asking would they like total freedom? (And a pre-nup and NDA.) It worked in the past, so why mess up a good thing?

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