Scientology Cosmonaut Monique Yingling

The Church of Scientology’s top wog lawyer Monique Yingling was launched into outer space this morning at 0815 hours from the Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan.

Scientology Cosmonaut Yingling was sent aloft in a vintage 1961 Vostok 3KA space capsule. The craft was purchased with an IAS grant, and at a bargain price, from the Roscosmos State Corporation for Space Activities (Государственная корпорация по космической деятельности).

Yingling was fired off on a Mission to the Mars Implanting Station by Fleet Admiral David Miscavige. Yingling is to serve as Scientology’s Ambassador to Mars where she will relay Scientology’s many complaints against the Red Planet.

“Scientology’s trade deficit with the Mars now stands at $65 billion per year,” complained Scientology Minister of Trade Mr. Ken Delusion. “And Fleet Admiral Miscavige won’t stand for it!,” Delusion insisted. “After all, what does Mars do for Scientology except send us trillions of undocumented body thetans every year? Worse, Mars expects Scientology OT’s to endlessly pay for Solo auditing these undocumented BT’s — and many of these BT’s are implanted criminals and rapists who don’t even know who they really are!”

“Meanwhile criminal Martian drug dealers continue to flood the Earth with Psych drugs via the porous transdimensional Lunar border! This has to stop!,” Delusion roared. “And it will stop! Fleet Admiral David Miscavige is going to build a gigantic galactic space wall around the Earth and the Martians are going to pay for it!”

Martian president P. Murt Dlanod cancelled next week’s planned meeting with Fleet Admiral David Miscavige at Scientology’s International Base. “Mars is not paying for Scientology’s gigantic galactic space wall,” declared President Dlanod.

Those ungrateful Martians!