So many Scientologists wish they had served with the Founder aboard the Flagship Apollo. One of the most celebrated ecclesiastical ceremonies aboard the Apollo was to be overboarded, i.e. seized and thrown over the side of the ship in stark terror for your transgressions. Well now you can have this experience at Flag Land Base.

The Flag only Apollo Ecclesiastical Overboarding Experience begins when you’re suddenly and unexpectedly approached by three burly Sea Org Ethics Officers. These ruthless toughs seize you bodily and mercilessly toss you overboard as they curse you in the most obscene and profane ways for being out ethics on all dynamics. It’s a 60 foot (20 meter) vertical drop into a large and very deep saltwater tank whose swirling and freezing waters will challenge you to breathe as you fight for your very life! $3250 donation. If you’re a weakling and actually need to be rescued there will be an additional $7500 donation assessed against your monies on account. Waivers must be signed holding FSO harmless from all injuries up to and including death.

“This can’t be happening to me at the happiest place on Earth!” you’ll be thinking as you suddenly realize you’re actually drowning in real life while experiencing the terrifying onset of hypothermia in the freezing and turbulent waters. As the stinging and freezing saltwater sears your lungs and you fade in and out consciousness, you realize that without the Sea Org rescue team you will be dead in a few minutes. As your life hangs in the balance, the Sea Org rescue team informs you that you must up your IAS status and donate $40,000 to TWTH global salvage campaigns as a condition of being rescued. Otherwise, so what? Go pick up a new body.

Should you succumb, please be assured that we in RTC and all other Scientologists in good standing will blame you for pulling it in. Your body will placed into a weighted burlap sack. Your remains will then be transported out into the Gulf of Mexico in the dark of night on a skiff by Cuban fisherman. There, you will dumped into the murky depths and any memory of you will be immediately and forever forgotten in the eternal and golden travertine halls of FLB.