Announcing the New “Freedom From Oxygen Rundown”

SRD.2

“Guaranteed to crack any case, the new Freedom From O2 Rundown results in almost immediate unconsciousness followed by permanent full exteriorization within a few minutes,” enthused Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“As COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has made clear in the secret materials of GAT II, MEST oxygen is an enforced ‘must have,'” explained Delusion. “Therefore, the Freedom From O2 Rundown literally frees the being from his or her utter dependence on MEST oxygen. This new rundown also frees the being from all other forms of MEST.

“The Scientologist pre-attests to having completed the Freedom From O2 Rundown by preparing a simple document that leaves behind all of their MEST to the Church of Scientology. Thus, after full exteriorization, the Church receives a wonderful 3rd dynamic gift from the permanently exteriorized thetan.”

“This is truly a win-win for every Scientologist!” said Delusion.

4 responses to “Announcing the New “Freedom From Oxygen Rundown”

  1. I must have an MU. I just don’t get this Freedom From O2 Rundown thing. On the one hand I can certainly see the priceless spiritual gain one would receive being fully exterior on a permanent basis but I can’t see how this would benefit the Church of Scientology. Sure I could leave all of my MEST to the Church by filling out said document. But, after years of paying for my Bridge to Total Freedom, buying two new Hubbard Electropsychometers everytime an new model is issued, buying sets Basics for myself and many others, retraining and retreading my courses for every new GAT that comes out, doing my 4th Purif, upping my IAS Status (again), paying my share of our new Ideal Org, and getting The SP Building up and running and the SMP signals on the air and broadcasting to the unwashed masses, I JUST DON’T HAVE SHIT. In fact, it’s worse than that. Not only do I not have any shit left, my family doesn’t have shit, my old grandma doesn’t have shit, my only ex-friend doesn’t have shit and anyone else foolish enough to lend me money ain’t getting that shit back. My banker says I am nothing but a piece of shit and there is no way he is going to issue me yet another credit card to max out. The only person I can think of that I haven’t borrowed money from is my bankruptcy lawyer, and he wants his shit up front. Bottom line is I could leave the Church everything I have and they wouldn’t get shit.

    All I can say at this point is that I hope they are serving at least a light dinner or dessert at the next fundraising event so I don’t have to go to soup kitchen and hang with a bunch of DBs just to get some grub.

    Is my havingness fucked up?

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  2. Miss B., you definitely need the Havingness Repair Rundown because you can’t have money. Don’t feel bad though, for as the Founder once observed most people can’t have money. The answer to having money is to understand be, do, have and start, change, stop, and the other cycles of action. For now, we recommend a locational in which you walk around your neighborhood and spot houses that are empty. Enter these homes by breaking a window or jimmying a lock. Remove all valuable MEST and sell it at local pawn shops. Raise $25,000. Use that money to pay for your Havingness Repair Rundown. This $25,000 will open a money flow in the Theta universe that will manifest as an abundance in the MEST universe. When you raise $100,000 or more, you can then do the Freedom From 02 Rundown.

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  3. Has the Captain looked into maximizing his revenue stream from completions by looking at the best use of the leftover meat bodies. With all the cranky tree huggers, you can’t just dump them out back.

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