Church of Scientology Conditional Holiday Greetings
(Please read, fill in your name, date, and then sign and return to your nearest Church of Scientology in the postage-paid return envelope)
We in the Church of Scientology (hereinafter “the Church”) extend to ______________________________ our conditional holiday greetings:
This holiday greeting specifically excludes the French, wogs, SP’s, DB’s rockslammers, 1.1’s, crims, homo saps, perverts, psychs, Big Pharma, SMERSH, Communists, panty-waisted dilettantes, Marcabs, Helotrobes, British Bankers, those who are theetie wheetie, members of the forth, fifth, and sixth invader forces, and all inhabitants of the planet Farsec.
The recipient receives the Church’s conditional holiday greetings with no expectation of a gift of any kind whatsoever.
The recipient acknowledges that the Church views Christmas and Christianity as R6 implants, i.e. as alien-implanted false data and mental image pictures that can only be remedied by the full application of Scientology technology, which technology can only be delivered at a licensed church in the Scientology ecclesiastical hierarchy of churches that are licensed by the Religious Technology Center.
The recipient acknowledges the Church’s conditional holiday greetings does not mean we will not spy on or harass you without notice in 2016.
The recipient acknowledges Church’s conditional holiday greetings is a PR gesture only and confers no exalted Scientology social status or prestige upon the recipient. For example, the recipient may not claim to family, friends, or co-workers that they are “best friends” with Tom Cruise or David Miscavige as a result of their receipt of the Church’s conditional holiday greetings.
The recipient agrees to allow the Church to remotely access their personal computers and all other electronic devices for the purposes of determining if they are connected to SP’s.
Attestation: I, ___________________________________ accept the Church’s conditional holiday greetings and agree to never sue the Church or its agents, heirs, or assigns in perpetuity for any reason whatsoever. My agreement to never sue the Church is retroactive to the beginning of time.