Conditional Holiday Greetings from the Church of Scientology

UFO festival in Roswell, New Mexico

Church of Scientology Conditional Holiday Greetings

(Please read, fill in your name, date, and then sign and return to your nearest Church of Scientology in the postage-paid return envelope)

We in the Church of Scientology (hereinafter “the Church”) extend to ______________________________  our conditional holiday greetings:

This holiday greeting specifically excludes the French, wogs, SP’s, DB’s rockslammers, 1.1’s, crims, homo saps, perverts, psychs, Big Pharma, SMERSH, Communists, panty-waisted dilettantes, Marcabs, Helotrobes, British Bankers, those who are theetie wheetie, members of the forth, fifth, and sixth invader forces, and all inhabitants of the planet Farsec.

The recipient receives the Church’s conditional holiday greetings with no expectation of a gift of any kind whatsoever.

The recipient acknowledges that the Church views Christmas and Christianity as R6 implants, i.e. as alien-implanted false data and mental image pictures that can only be remedied by the full application of Scientology technology, which technology can only be delivered at a licensed church in the Scientology ecclesiastical hierarchy of churches that are licensed by the Religious Technology Center.

The recipient acknowledges the Church’s conditional holiday greetings does not mean we will not spy on or harass you without notice in 2016.

The recipient acknowledges Church’s conditional holiday greetings is a PR  gesture only and confers no exalted Scientology social status or prestige upon the recipient. For example, the recipient may not claim to family, friends, or co-workers that they are “best friends” with Tom Cruise or David Miscavige as a result of their receipt of the Church’s conditional holiday greetings.

The recipient agrees to allow the Church to remotely access their personal computers and all other electronic devices for the purposes of determining if they are connected to SP’s.

Attestation: I, ___________________________________ accept the Church’s conditional holiday greetings and agree to never  sue the Church or its agents, heirs, or assigns in perpetuity for any reason whatsoever. My agreement to never sue the Church is retroactive to the beginning of time.

Signed__________________________________

Date__________________

9 responses to “Conditional Holiday Greetings from the Church of Scientology

  1. Fabulous! Happy Christmas and bah humbug, OTVIIIisGrrr8!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Way off topic, but can some one please stop by Inland Empire Plymouth-Oldsmobile-Mercury and pick up Grant Cardone? At last night’s Christmas party, Grant kind of over did it. He’s currently passed out in the women’s restroom, without his shoes or phone and has soiled himself. Merry Christmas.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Class VIII Kool-Aid drinker

    It’s so no-nonsense, down-to-earth!!! I feel, I have found home!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: Conditional Holiday Greetings from the Cult of Scientology | JennyAtLAX

  5. Dear cult of Scientology:

    I dutifully and loyally signed and sent to my nearest cult of Scientology the “Conditional Holiday Greetings” that you sent me, but the %#$@^$& thing was returned to me, postage—due!

    JennyAtLAX

    See “Conditional Holiday Greetings from the Cult of Scientology,” at JennyAtLAX.
    https://jennyatlax.wordpress.com/2015/12/27/conditional-holiday-greetings-from-the-cult-of-scientology/

    Like

  6. Mmm…not sure I want to sign my life away, just to receive an R6 conditional greeting from a criminal organization. I think I’ll pass.

    As for Grant Cardone, ICH! Leave him there until the janitor can sweep him out.

    Perhaps Juliette Lewis could use some cheer, holiday or otherwise. She’s showing PTS signs, and is freaking out all over the internet. While it’s amusing on one level, I feel she’s in mental and emotional trouble. She really needs professional help, or at least take her cell phone away, so she can suffer in private.

    Oh, btw, Chill E Beans has already extended holidays greetings in the form of a video of “Santa Homie”, some flat singing, and off-tempo rapping. He’s still rocking those ridiculous chin dingleberries. If you were he real friends, you’d tell him the truth about those things. I think he needs some cash for Christmas, so he can fund your outrageous rates.

    Well, that’s about it. May the SPs of Teegeack kick your butts. Some great things coming in the New Year! “Let Him Die” should be a high point!

    Like

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