Actor Nicolas Cage to Return Stolen Scientology E-Meter Purchased from Disreputable Mormon Art Dealer

nicolas_cageActor Nicolas Cage agreed to return a stolen antique Scientology e-meter he unwittingly purchased in 2007 from a disreputable Mormon art dealer.

“The e-meter was a very rare 1954 Venutian 54-C tube meter,” said Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “There was only this one meter made and so it is sacred.”

“The Mormon art dealer purchased it from a twice-convicted Jehovah’s Witness who is known to traffick in stolen occult appliances,” Delusion added. “Indeed, this loathsome JW spent one year in federal prison for stealing the famous 1922 Diamond Ouija Board from the Obama White House in 2013. The President was quite upset when his Ouija Board was purloined;  many say that is when his policies seem to go off kilter. Some wondered if it was Mitt Romney’s revenge.”

tubeemeter“This rare e-meter was stolen in 2002 from the nuclear proof vault at Scientology’s Trementina Base in New Mexico by a gang of bitter defrocked Mormon reprobates who posed as RTC officers on a surprise inspection mission. It seems that terrified Sea Org members always fall for this trick,” lamented Delusion.

“This e-meter is historical because it was the first meter ever to detect and confirm the existence of classified and copyrighted Scientology upper level spiritual phenomena — and yes, we’re talking about the real scary $360,000 stuff that will kill you dead instantly if you read it for free on the internet.”

“Mr. Cage purchased the e-meter at auction in 2007 from the Mormon art dealer I.M. Shady in Los Angeles for $12,597,000 following a fevered bidding war with New Age actress Shirley MacLaine.”

“After we in the Sovereign Nation of Scientology recently discovered this sale, our wog attorneys filed papers with the US State Department demanding that Mr. Cage return the sacred esoteric device. Mr. Cage gracefully agreed to return the meter after Scientologist Priscilla Presley called him. Lisa Marie Presley would normally have called Mr. Cage but she is… ahhh… well let us say that Lisa Marie’s KSW is not fully in at present.”

“We in the Sovereign Nation of Scientology are pleased to have back this sacred device. We plan to exhibit this relic in the Great Hall of Exact Data at Flag Land Base. Admission will be $1,000 per ticket to gaze upon what COB has proclaimed to be the Supreme Primordial Electropsychometer.”


2 replies »

  1. True story. Whilst deputized as a Sea Org Missionaire in 1980 something I was dispatched to the Reno Mission to handle an incipient squirrel situation. One of the parishioners brought in an even earlier model e-meter that he had purchased that day at the local flea market. I was immediately suspicious because it had the name Mathison attached to it, not Hubbard. I thought that this Mathison fellow had been ‘disappeared’ and purged properly many years earlier.

    Perhaps you in RTC could shed some light on this matter. It really pisses me off when these vital situations fall through the cracks and cause a public flap. The next thing you know RTC will have to be explaining the ‘Alexis’ dedication in Science of Survival!!! Did someone get busted for letting this Mathison fellow’s name see the light of day? Hubbard is the ONLY name any of us need to know about. Founder, Source and Theta-Savior.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That is NOT a so-called Electro-Psychometer of any description, Hubbard, Mathison or whatever, but the pre-amplification unit from a Strabismus Mark VI Psychotimeter as introduced to the world of quack medicine by my good self in 1947. It was the first Strabismus Psychotimeter to include the patented Vibro-Wobble (TM) attachment, which has proved so popular in the intervening years. The Mark VI has long since been superseded; my assistant Nurse Tsai-Chin Proutley ministers exclusively to patients using the Mark XXVIII: https://www.flickr.com/photos/marksshoops/13568778625/

    Liked by 1 person

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