Actor Nicolas Cage agreed to return a stolen antique Scientology e-meter he unwittingly purchased in 2007 from a disreputable Mormon art dealer.
“The e-meter was a very rare 1954 Venutian 54-C tube meter,” said Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion. “There was only this one meter made and so it is sacred.”
“The Mormon art dealer purchased it from a twice-convicted Jehovah’s Witness who is known to traffick in stolen occult appliances,” Delusion added. “Indeed, this loathsome JW spent one year in federal prison for stealing the famous 1922 Diamond Ouija Board from the Obama White House in 2013. The President was quite upset when his Ouija Board was purloined; many say that is when his policies seem to go off kilter. Some wondered if it was Mitt Romney’s revenge.”
“This rare e-meter was stolen in 2002 from the nuclear proof vault at Scientology’s Trementina Base in New Mexico by a gang of bitter defrocked Mormon reprobates who posed as RTC officers on a surprise inspection mission. It seems that terrified Sea Org members always fall for this trick,” lamented Delusion.
“This e-meter is historical because it was the first meter ever to detect and confirm the existence of classified and copyrighted Scientology upper level spiritual phenomena — and yes, we’re talking about the real scary $360,000 stuff that will kill you dead instantly if you read it for free on the internet.”
“Mr. Cage purchased the e-meter at auction in 2007 from the Mormon art dealer I.M. Shady in Los Angeles for $12,597,000 following a fevered bidding war with New Age actress Shirley MacLaine.”
“After we in the Sovereign Nation of Scientology recently discovered this sale, our wog attorneys filed papers with the US State Department demanding that Mr. Cage return the sacred esoteric device. Mr. Cage gracefully agreed to return the meter after Scientologist Priscilla Presley called him. Lisa Marie Presley would normally have called Mr. Cage but she is… ahhh… well let us say that Lisa Marie’s KSW is not fully in at present.”
“We in the Sovereign Nation of Scientology are pleased to have back this sacred device. We plan to exhibit this relic in the Great Hall of Exact Data at Flag Land Base. Admission will be $1,000 per ticket to gaze upon what COB has proclaimed to be the Supreme Primordial Electropsychometer.”