Post debate surveys indicate that presidential candidate David Miscavige won the CNN debate by historic orders of magnitude,” said Scientology Director of Polling Dr. Eldon Weiner.
“Our initial poll reached 12,000,000 Clearwater and Los Angeles area residents who said candidate Miscavige won by a margin of over 9000% — the largest debate win ever in world history. Voters said that Mr. Miscavige’s comm cycle — unlike that of the wog candidates — was clear, concise, and decisive.”
Mr. Miscavige outlined additional points of his political platform:
— Harsh prison sentences for SP’s who make so-called documentaries that seek to harm legitimate religions. “Whereupon,” emphasized candidate Miscavige, “the US military needs to invade London immediately, and I mean this evening, and lock up Theroux, Dower, and Chinn before their SP film attacking Scientology premieres in London.”
–Restricting voting rights to those who have reached the Scientology states of Clear or OT. “Excuse me for being blunt,” said Mr. Miscavige, “But your average homo sap is so pumped full of Psych drugs that he or she doesn’t know their ass from a hole in the ground. Only Scientology Clears and OT’s can be trusted to make sane and rational decisions.”
–Shutting down the Fed and giving control of the US financial system to the Church of Scientology.
–The use of UN Security Forces to seize illegal e-meters and shut down the international black market trade in fake Nigerian e-meters. “The world cannot allow these pirates to flood global markets with fake e-meters that give imprecise reads and thus hopelessly bog, flub, and red tag pc sessions. We know the kingpin, the ring leader, here is the terrorist mastermind Usman Bello. He must be brought to justice! His trunk boxes full of fake e-meters must be destroyed!”
–Driving the homeless, illegals, wogs, SP’s, 1.1’s, sexual perverts, downstats, and all other pantywaisted dilettantes into the oceans and drowning them.
–Seizing Canada and the rest of Upstate New York to end the rampant moral turpitude occurring in that sector of Teegeeack.
–The need to introduce a Scientology-based curriculum in public schools. To this point, Mr. Miscavige promised to appoint Scientology OT Wally Hanks to be his Secretary Education. Hanks has a proven track record of effectively handling problem children: