Church of Scientology Rushed to Hospital after Going Clear wins Three Emmy’s!

Paramedics were called today when the Church of Scientology experienced a violent public outburst followed by a massive panic attack  brought on by HBO’s Going Clearambulance-ride winning three Emmy’s.

“The rageaholic 65-year-old cult has been apoplectic and foaming at the mouth  ever since Going Clear was first screened,”  commented Dr. Phloat Eng Needel of the Hollywood Religious Hospital.

“The news of the three Emmy sweep was just too much for the Church to process. When it heard the news, the Church began screaming hysterically and lashing out  at passersby and tourists on Hollywood Boulevard. Scientology was literally trying to attack and beat people with rolled up copies of The Way to Happiness.”

“After this frenzied outburst, Scientology suddenly became disoriented and collapsed on the sidewalk where it began hyperventilating and screaming at onlookers that it was about to die.”

“Concerned citizens dialed 911. The Church was transported by ambulance to the ICU here at the Hollywood Religious Hospital,” remarked Dr. Needel. “This is Scientology’s fourth trip here in less than a year due to a psychiatric emergency. Clearly this is yet another Hollywood religion in need of psychiatric intervention.”

“An MRI confirmed that the Church of Scientology has a very serious and advanced case of third degree butthurt. There is no known treatment for these episodic panic attacks; they are a part of the psychopathology of butthurtus extremis.”

“The long term prognosis for the Scientology Cult is not good,” Dr. Needel solemnly concluded. “Scientology appears to have developed chronic and irremediable butthurt and may need to be put into an assisted living facility such as a prison.”

14 replies »

  1. Is it not true the only way to experience a case of butthurt is to “pull it in”? In the words of the founder, we must ask the church, “WHAT ARE YOUR CRIMES?”


    • We in the Church of Scientology deny “pulling in” our serious and advanced case Butthurtus Extremis.

      Our side of the story is that the internet shoved it up our ass.

      Butthurtus Extremis burns like an erupting volcano. It is a pain that will not go away. This is why COB and everyone in OSA are all so very embittered.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Lashing out at passersby and tourists on Hollywood Boulevard is fine as long as it didn’t involve any of those nasty 1.1 activities that so many of COB’s treacherous, incompetent, lazy, jealous subordinates are guilty of.


  3. Latest reports are that Dr. Phloat Eng Needel will be conducting a proctological exam later today, to determine if the Church of Scientology is suffering from Terminal Thetan Constipation. The exam tools will include the Burj Khalifa (image below). Inability to insert the Burj Khalifa to a depth of 800 Meters (1,666.67 Feet) would make this all but certain.

    Possible treatments if Terminal Thetan Constipation is diagnosed include use of Nitroglycerin, C4, Dynamite, and as a last resort, the Church will be placed in the volcanic crater of Mount Washington, and a 50 Megaton Thermonuclear Device will be inserted in it’s rectum and detonated.


  4. This is bullshit. It’s funny bullshit, but it’s bullshit. People are getting all worked up about three studip emmies, or whatever they are. But they forget Narconon has won close to 4700 Frontys, and the church itself sweeps the Cultys every single year. Yall need to get a clue.


  5. John Oliver summed it up last night when he ended his church,with all the monies going to Doctors Without Borders,”If you’re going to give your money to a fake church,give to it to Scientology and brilliant way to end the weekend, three wins, one epic put down and one win to Hank Azaria, hmm Nancy what happened to these super powers???


  6. Well, Scientology just is WAY incomplete on it’s OT levels 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 group auditing, is all!!!

    Hubbard knew and told Sarge Steven Pfauth, near his death, that there were more “body thetans” to handle.

    That’s all that is still flying all over the place, causing this Hollywood spasm of anti Scientology documentary media!

    it’s just MORE body thetans, doing their mental craziness spreading, and Hollywood is obviously WAY still infested with just too many body thetans.

    Actially, part of Scientology’s handling will be to bench all of the recent OT 7 completions, Tom Cruise, Ann Archer, Bart Simpson voice lady, Kirstie Alley, all of them obviously FALSE ATTESTED to ridding themselves of all their body thetans!

    CC Int staff should all be RPFed, and AOLA and Flag “Advanced Org” staffs, all should be RPFed for quickying these Hollywood celebrities’ OT 7 completions.

    Obviously False attests in Hollywood!

    But, the only justification they all have, is the Hubbard admission that he himself failed at his own body thetan elimination.


  7. John Travolta gets off the hook.

    He’s not done with OT 7 yet, but I think Kelly Preston is, so she should join the other OT 7 Hollywood celebs who all should be RPFed!

    Liked by 1 person

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