“Due to the enormous popularity of Scientology’s ‘Big Blue’ complex in Hollywood, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has ordered the addition of 24 extra stories to the landmark edifice,” announced spokesman Ken Delusion. “COB is creating the new ‘Scientology Tower’ so that Scientology looms high above Hollywood and casts a shadow upon this town.”
“Thousands of people flock to Big Blue each day to have their picture taken in front of the landmark ‘Scientology’ sign. Big Blue has also been featured in many films, articles, and books about Scientology.”
“With eleventy billion members, Scientology is more popular than ever and is the fastest growing religion in the world,” Delusion added.
Paramedics were called today when the Church of Scientology experienced a violent public outburst followed by a massive panic attack brought on by HBO’s Going Clear winning three Emmy’s.
“The rageaholic 65-year-old cult has been apoplectic and foaming at the mouth ever since Going Clear was first screened,” commented Dr. Phloat Eng Needel of the Hollywood Religious Hospital.
“The news of the three Emmy sweep was just too much for the Church to process. When it heard the news, the Church began screaming hysterically and lashing out at passersby and tourists on Hollywood Boulevard. Scientology was literally trying to attack and beat people with rolled up copies of The Way to Happiness.”
“After this frenzied outburst, Scientology suddenly became disoriented and collapsed on the sidewalk where it began hyperventilating and screaming at onlookers that it was about to die.”
“Concerned citizens dialed 911. The Church was transported by ambulance to the ICU here at the Hollywood Religious Hospital,” remarked Dr. Needel. “This is Scientology’s fourth trip here in less than a year due to a psychiatric emergency. Clearly this is yet another Hollywood religion in need of psychiatric intervention.”
“An MRI confirmed that the Church of Scientology has a very serious and advanced case of third degree butthurt. There is no known treatment for these episodic panic attacks; they are a part of the psychopathology of butthurtus extremis.”
“The long term prognosis for the Scientology Cult is not good,” Dr. Needel solemnly concluded. “Scientology appears to have developed chronic and irremediable butthurt and may need to be put into an assisted living facility such as a prison.”