Tag Archives: Hollywood

We in Scientology Apologize for Placing a Kiosk in the LAPD Hollywood Division

We in Scientology wish to apologize for any misunderstanding over the installation of our kiosk in the public lobby of the LAPD Hollywood Division station house.

What was supposed to have been installed was a bust of L. Ron Hubbard. The error has been corrected and the LRH bust in now on display in the lobby.

Scientology’s New Year’s Resolutions

The 100% Fully Ethical and On Source Scientologist applies KSW to his or her life and ruthlessly stamps out all sources of suppression. Are you doing your part to help Clear the Planet?

We in the Church of Scientology firmly resolve to be a fully Ideal Church in every way in 2018. We therefore make the following resolutions:

1. We will raise all prices 4000%

2. We will savagely destroy the internet and all other sources of entheta.

3. We will spy on more SP’s than ever before. We are spying on you right now.

4. We will tap the phones and hack the e-mail accounts of all SP’s.

5. We will mail COB’s Ecclesiastical Dildos to everyone we hate.

6. We will make insane videos attacking the Psychs, SMERSH, the CIA, Interpol, the Marcabs, Big Pharma, the Martians, and everyone else who is trying to stop Scientology.

7. We will erect a 1000 foot tall statue of COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige in Hollywood. This will be the tallest statue in the world.

8. Scientology Media Productions will broadcast something in 2018. We’re not sure what or where, but SMP will broadcast something. It will be much better than Leah Remini’s Emmy-winning show Scientology and the Aftermath.

9. We in RTC will immediately hand an SP Declare to any Scientology celebrity who brings Scientology into disrepute. We will no longer coddle these horrific monsters.

10. We will stop the godless Russian Communists from raiding our Orgs every other week. What the Russians call “financial crimes and fraud” we call the 100% correct application of  Scientology:


New Scientology Tower Looms Above Hollywood!


“Due to the enormous popularity of Scientology’s ‘Big Blue’ complex in Hollywood, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has ordered the addition of 24 extra stories to the landmark edifice,” announced spokesman Ken Delusion. “COB is creating the new ‘Scientology Tower’ so that Scientology looms high above Hollywood and casts a shadow upon this town.”

“Thousands of people flock to Big Blue each day to have their picture taken in front of the landmark ‘Scientology’ sign. Big Blue has also been featured in many films, articles, and books about Scientology.”

“With eleventy billion members, Scientology is more popular than ever and is the fastest growing religion in the world,”  Delusion added.

Church of Scientology Rushed to Hospital after Going Clear wins Three Emmy’s!

Paramedics were called today when the Church of Scientology experienced a violent public outburst followed by a massive panic attack  brought on by HBO’s Going Clearambulance-ride winning three Emmy’s.

“The rageaholic 65-year-old cult has been apoplectic and foaming at the mouth  ever since Going Clear was first screened,”  commented Dr. Phloat Eng Needel of the Hollywood Religious Hospital.

“The news of the three Emmy sweep was just too much for the Church to process. When it heard the news, the Church began screaming hysterically and lashing out  at passersby and tourists on Hollywood Boulevard. Scientology was literally trying to attack and beat people with rolled up copies of The Way to Happiness.”

“After this frenzied outburst, Scientology suddenly became disoriented and collapsed on the sidewalk where it began hyperventilating and screaming at onlookers that it was about to die.”

“Concerned citizens dialed 911. The Church was transported by ambulance to the ICU here at the Hollywood Religious Hospital,” remarked Dr. Needel. “This is Scientology’s fourth trip here in less than a year due to a psychiatric emergency. Clearly this is yet another Hollywood religion in need of psychiatric intervention.”

“An MRI confirmed that the Church of Scientology has a very serious and advanced case of third degree butthurt. There is no known treatment for these episodic panic attacks; they are a part of the psychopathology of butthurtus extremis.”

“The long term prognosis for the Scientology Cult is not good,” Dr. Needel solemnly concluded. “Scientology appears to have developed chronic and irremediable butthurt and may need to be put into an assisted living facility such as a prison.”

RTC Surprise Inspection of the Complex