Church of Scientology Rushed to the Hospital in an Ambulance!

Paramedics were called today when the Church of Scientology experienced a massive panic attack brought on by the imminent broadcast of HBO’s Going Clear.

ambulance-ride“The rageaholic 65-year-old cult had been slinging mud at HBO for over a month when it suddenly realized it had failed  to stop the television broadcast of Going Clear,” said Dr. Shirley Dye of the Hollywood Religious Hospital.

“The Cult suddenly became dizzy, collapsed on the sidewalk, and began hyperventilating and screaming to nearby pedestrians that it was about to die.”

“Concerned citizens dialed 911. The Church was transported by ambulance to the ICU here at the Hollywood Religious Hospital,” Dr. Dye commented.

“An MRI revealed that the Church of Scientology has a very serious and advanced case of third degree butthurt, the medical name of which is Miscavigitis.”

“There is no known treatment for this type of self-pitying butthurt.”

The long term prognosis for the Scientology Cult is not good,” Dr. Dye solemnly concluded. “Scientology appears to have developed chronic and irremediable butthurt and may need to be put into an assisted living facility such as a prison.”

13 replies »

  1. In tough situations like this where psychotic paranoia is threatening to overrun present time one must ask, “What would Source do?”

    If we consult the last HCOPL from January 1986, we find a reference to panic attacks and the prompt administration of a large dose of the anti-psychotic drug Vistaril. To avoid butthurt, Source specifically recommends the injection be given in an area other than the buttocks.


    • Strong medicine is needed for RBB – Really Big Butthurt.

      COB has Really Big Butthurt these days but hates needles.

      Is this Vistaril of which you speak available in a Scotch solution?


  2. Church of Scientology Placed Under 5150 Hold.

    That the Church of Scientology was rushed to the intensive care unit at the Hollywood Religious Hospital early Sunday morning is now national news.

    What the public doesn’t know is that the Cult was placed under a 5150 hold late last week. The Cult was put under the same involuntary hold as Paris Jackson and Britney Spears. But what does that mean?

    Is the Cult a danger to itself?

    What with the disclosures of its founder, L. Ron Hubbard, and his drug use, lies, and criminality, as well as the Cult’s greed and dirty tricks, many people have thought that the Cult has been a danger to itself for a while. But last Thursday, California sheriff’s deputy, Harry R. M. Pitts, decided that the Cult actually was a danger to itself when he placed it under an involuntary psychiatric hold, called a 5150, after the Cult allegedly started banging its head on a driveway of a home on L. Ron Hubbard Way, in Los Angeles. When asked by police to explain itself, the Cult reportedly gave answers so outrageous that officials ruled it needed a 5150 hold.

    The Church of Scientology has endured a long, sad odyssey, from Xenu to Going Clear.

    The executive director of the Mental Health Association of California, Ginger Snapp, said that if authorities find a Cult banging its head in a driveway, then they require a 5150 hold. Typically, she said, the maximum hold is 72 hours.

    The 5150 hold ended early Sunday morning and then, as the nation now knows, tragedy struck the Cult when it collapsed, dizzy and hyperventilating with screams of agony in which it stood convinced of its imminent death.


  3. Hello all. I’m trying out a new app called Text 2 Truth. Basically, I write what I’m really feeling, and this app translates the text into what I truly mean. I hope that makes sense… I dunno–

    (Truth: I don’t even know what an ‘app’ is. I’m making this bleerp up and you’re all a bunch of bleerp-eating suckers. Of course this doesn’t make any bleerpin sense. Go bleerp yourself.)

    So I just want to ask if anyone can give me the specific address and room #, so I can send my sympathies to the cult. If that’s at all possible–

    (Truth: I want to call off the guards like that scene in The Godfather. Then I would come in and bleerping unplug everything connected to anything in that bleerping room)

    I dont know if — Sorry– I don’t know if this app is working or what. I’m gonna try to troubleshoot this for a minute and get back to

    (Truth: I’m gonna pack a bowl, find some porn and eat a gigantic bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch)

    Yeah, this is definitely not calibrated correctly. Anyway, I wish the cult a speedy recovery.

    (Truth: eat bleerp and die, cult)


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