Paramedics were called today when the Church of Scientology experienced a massive panic attack brought on by the imminent broadcast of HBO’s Going Clear.
“The rageaholic 65-year-old cult had been slinging mud at HBO for over a month when it suddenly realized it had failed to stop the television broadcast of Going Clear,” said Dr. Shirley Dye of the Hollywood Religious Hospital.
“The Cult suddenly became dizzy, collapsed on the sidewalk, and began hyperventilating and screaming to nearby pedestrians that it was about to die.”
“Concerned citizens dialed 911. The Church was transported by ambulance to the ICU here at the Hollywood Religious Hospital,” Dr. Dye commented.
“An MRI revealed that the Church of Scientology has a very serious and advanced case of third degree butthurt, the medical name of which is Miscavigitis.”
“There is no known treatment for this type of self-pitying butthurt.”
The long term prognosis for the Scientology Cult is not good,” Dr. Dye solemnly concluded. “Scientology appears to have developed chronic and irremediable butthurt and may need to be put into an assisted living facility such as a prison.”