Tag Archives: Butthurt

Scientology Butthurt Cream: For Pain Levels of 2.0 or Greater!

Scientology Butthurt Cream is indicated for butthurt pain levels of 2.0 or greater. What are some examples of when a Scientologist needs to use Scientology Butthurt Cream? Below are three scenarios:

Scenario 1: Your new mobster movie just scored 0 on Rotten Tomatoes and you’re the laughingstock of Hollywood. That’s some serious butthurt pal! And it has a pain level of 2.0 or higher! What to do? Bend over and have your 2D apply Scientology Butthurt Cream liberally to soothe the burning and irritation.

Scenario 2: You’re a global ecclesiastical leader and the internet makes fun of your empty Ideal Orgs. This really chaps your ass! What to do? Bend over and have your COB Assistant apply Scientology Butthurt Cream liberally to soothe the burning and irritation caused by criminal joking & degrading.

Scenario 3: You’re the Executive Director of Scientology Moscow and the Org has just been raided again. This is big time butthurt for you and your entire staff. Time to break out the Ideal Org Emergency Scientology Butthurt Staff Pack! The staff pack can treat up to 120 butthurt staff. Apply by twinning.

Church of Scientology Rushed to the Hospital in an Ambulance!

Paramedics were called today when the Church of Scientology experienced a massive panic attack brought on by the imminent broadcast of HBO’s Going Clear.

ambulance-ride“The rageaholic 65-year-old cult had been slinging mud at HBO for over a month when it suddenly realized it had failed  to stop the television broadcast of Going Clear,” said Dr. Shirley Dye of the Hollywood Religious Hospital.

“The Cult suddenly became dizzy, collapsed on the sidewalk, and began hyperventilating and screaming to nearby pedestrians that it was about to die.”

“Concerned citizens dialed 911. The Church was transported by ambulance to the ICU here at the Hollywood Religious Hospital,” Dr. Dye commented.

“An MRI revealed that the Church of Scientology has a very serious and advanced case of third degree butthurt, the medical name of which is Miscavigitis.”

“There is no known treatment for this type of self-pitying butthurt.”

The long term prognosis for the Scientology Cult is not good,” Dr. Dye solemnly concluded. “Scientology appears to have developed chronic and irremediable butthurt and may need to be put into an assisted living facility such as a prison.”