2015 Scientology Parishioner Contract: Sign and Return Immediately!

We in RTC have ordered the CSI Office of Special Affairs Legal and their wog attorneys to create a new CSI Services Contract for 2105. All IAS Parishioners in good standing must sign and return this contract immediately. Failure to do so will result in all offenders being taken off auditing and ordered into a series of lengthy face-ripping sec checks to discover hidden crimes.

Church of Scientology International
2015 Member Services Contract

Terms & Conditions
By receiving services in the Church of Scientology International and its affiliated churches and organizations in the Scientology ecclesiastical hierarchy of churches (hereinafter referred to as the Church of Scientology) or otherwise accessing any content found on related websites, you are deemed to have entered into this Member Services Contract with Church of Scientology and to have agreed to be bound by the terms set forth below.

1. Scope of this Contract
This contract embodies the total contractual terms between you and your participation in the Church of Scientology and includes all of your donations in cash, real property, financial instruments, stocks, bonds, annuities, pensions, retirement income, children, family members, dental gold, and bodily organs you may elect to donate to finance the vast and wholly intangible spiritual benefits offered by your participation Church of Scientology.

1A. IAS Statuses
You hereby acknowledge and affirm that the core doctrine, raison d’être, and spiritual salvation itself in the Church of Scientology  is inexplicably bound to you constantly increasing your IAS Status. There is no salvation apart from IAS status, and, you alone are responsible for increasing your IAS status.

2. Squirreling
You agree to not copy, reverse engineer, modify, or otherwise squirrel any intellectual property owned or controlled by the Church of Scientology. Squirrelling includes verbal tech, posting on hater blogs, or having any form of covert or overt communications with squirrels, those connected to squirrels, or those members of the Church of Scientology who are at risk of becoming squirrels.

2A. Safeguarding Materials
You hereby agree to build a nuclear-proof vault in your backyard to safeguard the materials of Dianetics and Scientology. Please contact CST for planning documents.

3. PTSness
Because everyone in the Church of Scientology is PTS to the Church of Scientology, you agree to never speak with anyone in the Church of Scientology. Your only terminals are IAS registrars and Flag Registrars. Per GAT II, registrars are the only safe terminals in the Church of Scientology.

3A. PTS to COB
Because everyone in the Church of Scientology is PTS to COB, you agree to never talk to COB or put a flap on his lines. You may, however, have your photo taken with COB by making a dono to the IAS of >$1,000,000.

4. Donation Cycles
Per GAT II, it is a high crime for anyone to interrupt a reg cycle or any other type of donation scheme which seeks to separate Scientologists from their money. This offense is punishable by an immediate SP Declare, Disconnection, a severe ecclesiastical beating, and a religious fine of $1,000,000 per occurrence.

4A. The Return of Scientology Trophies, Certs, and Other Accolades
If you are declared an SP you agree to immediately return to the nearest Ideal Org all trophies, certs, and other accolades awarded you when you were in good standing. You further agree not to throw any trophies, certs, or other accolades into trash cans where they can be found,  photographed, and those photographs posted online by SP’s for the amusement of other SP’s.

4B. The Safeguarding of Scientology Trophies, Certs, and Other Accolades
Should you go bankrupt, you agree to never allow your trophies, certs, and other accolades to carelessly fall into wog hands and be sold on the internet for a 99.9999% discount off donation price. This is Out PR.

5. Type III Involuntary Ecclesiastical Incarceration, i.e. Imprisonment and Kidnapping Authorization
If at any time the Church of Scientology deems you to be Type III, you agree to allow Church members to seize your person on an unannounced “ambush style” basis and subject you to an indefinite period of involuntary ecclesiastical incarceration. Per GAT II, Type III is defined as:

A. Asking for a refund
B. Spreading entheta
C. Reading or attempting to read the internet
D. Being a Defeatist
E. Spreading defeatism
F. Forwarding an enemy line
G. Joking & Degrading
H. Bringing the name of COB into disrepute by natter
I. Blaspheming COB
J. Blaspheming the IAS
K. Blaspheming Flag Land Base
L. Refusing to donate heroically despite personal danger to one’s finances or sanity.
M. Whining that Church of Scientology was “so much better in the old days.” This is not true. In the “old days” the Church was almost taken over by GO Crims and sold to the Psychs. Were it not for the intervention of COB you would probably have been lobotomized by now.
N.Refusal to disconnect from Suppressive Persons when ordered to so.
O. Having other fish to fry
P. Q&A
Q. Failing to forward Command Intention at all times
R. Failing to constantly remind your fellow Scientologists that they SCOHB; that no one gives a fuck about them; and that they are not important.

5A. Ecclesiastical Ransoms
If you are ecclesiastically kidnapped (see Section 5), your family may pay the Church of Scientology International an ecclesiastical ransom for your safe release. While ecclesiastical ransoms are negotiable, such ransoms may never be less than $100,000 USD per occurrence. Note: A hospitality surcharge will be added to all ecclesiastical ransoms to offset the costs of your involuntary ecclesiastical incarceration.

5B. Ecclesiastical Ransom Nonperformance
If, after fourteen business days, your family and friends refuse to pay an ecclesiastical ransom for your release, you will be declared a Valueless SP  (VSP) and immediately dumped onto a public street in the middle of the night.

6. Conditions Which May Adversely Affect Your Ability to Participate in the Church of Scientology. If you have any of these indicators please report to the Registrar to see if the Church of Scientology can make any money handling you can help you:
Continual sadness, crying, defeatism, dejection, despair, despondency, discouragement, disgust, escapist fantasies, false burdens, fatigue, gloom, gluttony, grief, guilt, heartache, heartbreak, hopelessness, hurt, hyperactivity, indifference, inner hurts, insomnia, laziness, lethargy, listlessness, loneliness, morbidity, mourning, negativity, passivity, pressure, rejection, restlessness, self-pity, sleepiness, sorrow, spirit, suicide, tiredness, torment, troubled spirit, weariness, wounded spirit.

Accusations, anger, argumentative nature, backbiting, belittling, bickering, bitterness, blasphemy, causing divisions, coarse jesting, competition, contention, covetousness, criticism, cruelty, cursing, deception, destruction, discontent, disputes, dissatisfaction, distrust, dreamer, enmity, envy, factious, faultfinding, fighting, gossip, greed, hardness of heart, hatred, hurt, inability to cry, insecurity, judging, kleptomania, lying, malice, materialism, mocking, murder, quarreling, rage, railing accusations, restlessness, retaliation, revenge, sadism, self-centeredness, self-hatred, selfishness, spite, stealing, strife, suicide, suspicion, temper, unforgiveness, unworthiness, violence.

Adultery, compassion, creating doctrines contrary to RTC authorized doctrines, uttering profanities in excess of the daily allowance of one-thousand uses of profanity , deceit, deception, depraved desires, divination, dreamer, drivenness, emotionalism, exaggeration, excessive talking, false accusations, false burdens, false prophecy, false spirituality, false teachers, fantasies, fear of authority, financial problems, flattery, fornication, homosexuality, hypocrisy, insinuations, lies, low self-image, (feel-ugly, worthless), lust, mental bondage, pornography, profanity, religious spirit, seeker of men’s approval, sexual perversions, sodomy, strong delusions, superstitions, uncleanness, vain imaginations, vanity.

7. Other Practices: You agree to not engage in other practices including, but not limited to the following:
Astrology, automatic handwriting, black magic, Buddhism, certain kinds of rock music, channeling, charmer, charms (good luck) Christian Science, clairvoyance Confucianism, conjuring, consulting of the dead, cults, disobedience, divination, divination, diviner, doctrinal error, dreamer, drugs, e.s.p., EST, enchanter, false prophecies, fear of God, fear of Hell, fear of lost salvation, formalism, fortune telling, hallucinations, handwriting analysis, Hinduism, horoscopes, hypnosis, incantation, Islam, Jehovah’s Witnesses, lawlessness, legalism, levitation, Masonry, medium, mind reader, Mormonism, muttering, necromancy, new age philosophies and involvement, obsession, occultism, Ouija board, palmistry, passive mind, peeping & muttering, pendulum, rebellion, religiosity, ritualism, Rosicrucianism, Satanism, séance, seduction, self-will, Shintoism, soothsayer, sorcery, spirit guides, spiritualism, stubbornness, Taoism, tarot cards, Theosophy, Unitarianism, Unity Church, Universalism, unscriptural deliverance, warlock, water witching, white magic, witchcraft, yoga.

8. Arbitraries
Chairman of the Board RTC David Miscavige and his assigns in the Church of Scientology may elect at their sole discretion, at any time and under any conditions, to impose arbitraries not defined or described in this contract. You unconditionally agree to be bound to these unspecified arbitraries without complaint or natter.

9. “Captain David Miscavige” Clause
You agree never to call Chairman of the Board RTC David Miscavige “Captain Miscavige” under any circumstances. You hereby acknowledge and agree that COB’s so-called “rank” of Captain in the legally nonexistent Sea Org is merely ceremonial in nature and that he does not derive his ecclesiastical authority from his rank in the Sea Org.

10. Chairman of the Board RTC David Miscavige Does Not Run the Church of Scientology International Clause
You hereby acknowledge and affirm that Chairman of the Board RTC David Miscavige does not manage the daily affairs of the Church of Scientology International and in fact has no authority whatsoever over the “Mother Church” Church of Scientology International or any of the other churches in the Scientology ecclesiastical hierarchy of churches — with the exception of RTC which is a church in the Scientology ecclesiastical hierarchy of churches.

11. Texas
You hereby acknowledge and affirm that Chairman of the Board RTC David Miscavige has never been in Texas except once to open an Org.

12. Texas II
You hereby acknowledge, affirm, and swear that you have never seen Chairman of the Board RTC David Miscavige in Texas except for that one time he was there to open an Org.

13. Promises
The Church of Scientology promises you nothing except continued and unwavering misery and abuse.

Signed_________________________________________

Date__________________________________________

8 responses to “2015 Scientology Parishioner Contract: Sign and Return Immediately!

  1. wow! some wording ! very impressive!

    Like

  2. Sign me up for a billion years!

    Like

  3. Oh my good god!!! Roflmao, spit-laughing, loOl, snort laugh, laughing til I cry, laughing pains, bent over laughing, stop, stop, stop!

    Like

  4. I will get right on this don’t ya know!

    Like

  5. “Terms & Conditions
    By receiving services in the Church of Scientology International and its affiliated churches and organizations in the Scientology ecclesiastical hierarchy of churches (hereinafter referred to as the Church of Scientology) or otherwise accessing any content found on related websites, you are doomed.” Period.

    Like

  6. 14. Texas Chain Saw Massacre
    You hereby acknowledge, affirm, and swear that COB David Miscavige was not on the premises; that you have never experienced nor witnessed any violence from him toward anyone; that you never saw him never beat anyone to the point of unconsciousness or body death; that you never saw one scratch, bruise, black eye, or severed artery.

    Like

    • JennyAtLAX, thank you for adding this vital datum; we in RTC are certain the Psychs were preparing to blame Captain Miscavige for the Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

      To hear the Psychs talk, Captain Miscavige is Satan the Devil incarnate in a naval uniform with a predilection for fine scotch and beating people.

      Like

  7. In Part 5, you left out one banned activity: stinkin’ thinkin’.

    Like

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