Captain Miscavige Seeks Asylum on Drinkwater Island

31 December 2014
From: COB RTC David Miscavige, G.E.D.
To: Lionel Drinkwater @ Drinkwater Island

Dear Mr. Drinkwater,

I am in receipt of your letter requesting a copy of my passport in order to authenticate my identity. I certainly understand your concerns as my organizations have long been infiltrated and attacked by Psychs, SP’s, Squirrels, SMERSH, and assorted merchants of chaos for decades. Even sec checking is not a 100% guarantee of my safety these days, but I digress.

I lo0ked for my US passport and cannot find it. My passport may be in Captain Napier’s safe aboard my luxury motor vessel Freewinds; on the other hand it may be at Flag Land Base in my safe. Of course, one of my twenty-two wog attorneys may have it in one of their safes. Conversely, my passport could also be onboard Tom Cruise’s private jet.

Whereupon it becomes evident that another document is necessary. Therefore,  as proof of my identity and standing in the world community I am herewith and hereby vouchsafing to your care a copy of my International Ecclesiastical Leader Passport. This document features both an official gold seal and the Religious Technology Center (RTC) device thus proving and certifying its genuineness and fidelity as an ecclesiastically legal document.


Mr. Drinkwater, I am quite happy to pay handsomely to expedite my arrival onto Drinkwater Island; what figure would be pleasing to the The Board of Directors and Trustees of the Drinkwater Island Extended Stays program? I can wire transfer the requested amount to Drinkwater Financial Services instantly from my giant pile of money. Alternately, I can pay in platinum. titanium, or gold bars.

Mr. Drinkwater, I am presently undersea aboard my Peruvian-registered submarine. This vessel is actually a WWII German U-Boat I had converted to accommodate my particular needs. I would be glad to donate this splendid vessel to Drinkwater Island upon my safe arrival into the harbor. This singular vessel has been restored and upgraded and can be used for any number of tasks.

I am in fact typing you this missive from my U-Boat via an undersea radiotelephone connection that is somehow connected to the internet by, apparently, a system of satellites owned by the Psychs.


Captain David Miscavige
The Sea Organization
U-Boat Lou
Southern Hemisphere Operations
Undersea Systems Command Organization

5 replies »

  1. Dear Captain Miscavige,

    I am interested in your proposal and would have no personal objection to granting your request for domicile on this enchanting island.

    Having a major religious leader as a resident of Drinkwater Island would only enhance the reputation of the island as a sanctuary for those seeking a refuge from religious persecution.

    However there is one small stumbling block. As you might be aware from your knowledge of the history of Polynesia, is that Drinkwater was once a territory of France’s colonial empire and a royal fief, forming part of the Bailiwick of Tahiti, with its own set of laws based on Norman law and its own parliament.

    However we are still subject to adhering to certain rules of the Fifth Republic, namely that any asylum seekers be of good character and both they and any organization they represent have had no criminal convictions in France or its associated overseas territories.

    I have no doubt that you will be able to furnish me with such notarized proof from your legal agents and once received will ensure that your application be processed swiftly.

    Yours sincerely

    Lionel Drinkwater
    Chevalier of the Legion of Honour


  2. ” What figure would be pleasing to the The Board of Directors and Trustees of the Drinkwater Island Extended Stays program?”

    Figure? Uh, How about your wife Shelly’s to start with?


  3. My dear Ms Baby, (if I may be so bold as to refer you in such a familiar fashion.)

    Regrading figures of COB’s esteemed wife, her highly confidential religious personal file, which is of course, subject to the strict ‘priest penitent’ rules pertaining to the Church only allows me to reveal that they are 34″, 25″, 38″ which is not unflattering for a woman of her age who has been subject to extensive auditing.

    Ms Miscavige is fulfilling her role as the loyal wife of an important spiritual leader and wishes you to know that she is very happy and contented in her life and prefers no further intrusion in matters relating to her ecclesiastical duties.

    Please note that any attempts to intrude on Ms Miscavige’s happy existence by drone or blimp will be met with extreme prejudice.

    L Andrew Robertson,
    Lifestyle Coordinator for Ms Miscavige, Trementina Archival Base


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