New Multipurpose IAS Status Trophy Announced

Big.Bob.DIAS Patron Immortalius Blovicon and pharmaceutical billionaire Dob Ruggin’s mansion was becoming overcrowded by his hundreds of IAS status trophies.

“I was practically tripping over the darned things!” chuckled Dob at a recent IAS event wherein he was awarded yet another IAS trophy.  “That’s when I told my IAS reg Charmaine that I needed a solution — and Charmaine and the IAS  came through for me!”

The new Multipurpose IAS Status Trophy is a handsome two meter tall (six feet) trophy that  features a programmable digital display which allows IAS Patrons to program the trophy to be any type of trophy they want and need.

And so it is that Dob Ruggin was recently meeting with a potential new investor who was a Championship Rescue Swimmer in college. Before their meeting, Dob Ruggin, who cannot swim, programmed his new Multipurpose IAS Status Trophy to read:

“DOB RUGGIN – CHAMPIONSHIP COLLEGE RESCUE SWIMMER”

“Why Dob,” exclaimed the potential new investor, “I had no idea you were a championship rescue swimmer in college! So was I! Let me shake your hand my fellow college championship rescue swimmer!”

Dob Ruggin smiled and beamed from ear to ear.

“Dob, where did you do your championship rescue swimming in college?” asked the potential new investor.

“I did my championship rescue swimming at Wellesley College,” replied Dob.

“But Wellesley College is a women’s college Dob!”

“Well, actually back then Wellesley College allowed me to do championship rescue swimming on its campus as my college did not have a rescue swimming program.”

Dob Ruggin

Dob Ruggin, College Championship Rescue Swimmer!

“Dob, what town was Wellesley College’s championship rescue swimming program located?

“West Brighton.”

“But swimming pools are outlawed in West Brighton.”

“I know. The program offices were located in West Brighton while the actual championship rescue swimming practice pool was located in Brighton.”

“Fascinating. Now, Dob, about the millions of dollars I want to invest with your company, will it be safe?

“Of course it will. I give you my word as a fellow college championship rescue swimmer!” And with that Dob Ruggin was “off to the races” on his next IAS status level!

11 responses to “New Multipurpose IAS Status Trophy Announced

  1. I do hope COB isn’t offended that this trophy is taller than him. Knowing personally the stigma attached to the vertically challenged, such an enormous award would make me feel less than adequate. Sorry, please delete this comment; I did not mean to suggest that COB is short.

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    • That trophy is 48″ tall? Wow, I didn’t know that.

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    • Skydog, how are you enjoying your new deluxe RPF accommodations? I hear they’ve shortened, I mean reduced the length of, I mean made the heights to which you have to go to finish the program, I mean . . . Damnit someone’s pounding on my door………….

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  2. As IAS trophies are now the raison d’être for a Scientologist striving for spiritual eternity, I wonder, if to avoid the unnecessary expense of getting wog firms to create these tasteful and elegant objets de vertus, whether the International Dissemination and Distribution Center should invest in a 3D printer so these priceless and unique items could be made in-house?

    The money saved could be used to further the Church’s humanitarian efforts in those benighted regions unhappily without an Ideal Org.

    Andrew

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  3. Scientology really needs more people like Mr Duggan. I truly hope he succeeds in recruiting more biotech billionares. It is our planet’s only hope!

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  4. Mr. Grrr8, is there any truth to the rumor that there is an Acunto model IAS trophy coming out this year which converts into a 1 bedroom liveable mobile home for parishioners after they have given their all so the RTC Is not forced to spend money buying back trophies showing up on eBay which could otherwise be used for meals and clothing for a day for COB RTC?

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  5. Man, if I had one of those, I’d be movin’ on up in Status like George and Weezie.

    I’d program it to say: “2014 PICKPOCKET CHAMPION. PLEASE READ THE FINE PRINT.” Then, as the sucker leans in to read the non-existent fine print, I’ll lift their wallet and run away laughing. I’d use whatever money I get to buy a new programmable IAS trophy. But with more Status, of course.

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  6. Valerie, my RPF accomodations are wonderful and I am enjoying the rehabilitative aspects of the program. I am also making many new friends that I hope to speak with when allowed. I want to thank COB, RTC and LRH for this opportunity to complete my A-F and re-align my behavior. That’s right, they added a step for me based on my insensitive remarks regarding the most magnificent thetan that has ever walked this or any other planet. Step F on my program requires that I purchase elevator shoes to address the ruin in my life – shortness (there, I finally admitted it). I saw a pair on ebay for $88.00 and hopefully will have that saved in the eighteen months that I will be here.

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  7. Very sharp looking. When the Co$ is officially buried, the trophy can be programmed to proclaim:

    “Meritorious UTR Leaker”

    “One of the dedicated true Scientologists who never collaborated with the Co$, and never accepted any of those bogus status trophies LRH instituted as OT-equivalents in HCOPL 29 Dec 2005”

    And it is set on precision ball-bearing casters so it can be rolled easily in and out of a hall closet.

    Like

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