Dr. Eldon Weiner, Executive Director, IAS Emergency Broadcast Network

“With all of the attacks on the Church of Scientology lately, Captain Miscavige needs more money now than ever before,” declared Dr. Eldon Weiner of the IAS Emergency Broadcast Network.

“The fact is that all of these ridiculous lawsuits filed against COB, RTC, the Church, and the IAS  are beginning to burn through some real cash,” Dr. Weiner said.

“It’s not pocket change anymore when you’re paying millions of dollars per month to fancy wog attorneys who have real college degrees and not phony-baloney drug counselor certs like those SP’s over at Narconon.”

“And speaking of needing money,  didja hear this joke?

“Knock, knock.
“Who’s there?
“Dozen.
“Dozen who?
“Dozen anybody want to help Captain Miscavige with a big cash donation today?’

“Sadly, it seems the answer is no. No one wants to help Captain Miscavige out with a big cash donation to the IAS today.”

“Sadder still is the fact that so many Scientology parishioners these days refuse to answer the Church’s e-mails, refuse to confirm their attendance at key events such as Clive Rabey’s latest yak-fest, and refuse the IAS’ endless fundraising appeals.”

“Well folks, let me tell you give you a big ‘ol face-ripping R Factor here: If  Captain Miscavige doesn’t get $400,000,000 in donations the next few days why then OSA will have to begin mass-declaring Church parishioners SP’s for having counter-intention on COB.”

“Sorry to be so blunt about it,” exclaimed Dr. Weiner, “but if Church parishioners think they can trickle in a few dollars here and there, refuse to attend events, and refuse to even answer our e-mails, why then they’re in for a very rude awakening — and I do mean a rude awakening as in a SP declare!”

“It’s time to pull up your socks, time to start coughing up the money! Don’t make us send Sea Org members out to your home to rummage through closets, drawers, and even under the sofa cushions in search of hidden cash and other valuables!”

“Stop holding out on Captain Miscavige!”