Church of Scientology Attorney E. Stuart Mills – New Commercial and Client Questionairre

Weaphuckum & Howe LLP
A Legal Corporation
E. Stuart Mills, Esq.
Senior Partner

Dear Cult Applicant,

Weaphuckum & Howe LLP specializes in helping Cults and Cult Members use all possible legal means to attack and destroy their enemies.

Please fill out this questionnaire about you and your religious group so that we can better understand your needs.

1. I want to attack and destroy the following, please check all that apply:

A. One person
B. More than one person
C. Unseen entities
D. A group
E. Haters
F. Bitter Defrocked Apostates
G. Gays
H. Local city officials
I. The entire government of my nation
J. A splinter or schismatic group
K. A competing religious group or groups
L. Hate websites that blaspheme and mock my religious views
M. The entire Internet
N. Modern Life
O. Western Civilization
P. Civilization itself
Q. This planet
R. Another planet
S. The solar system
T. A sector of this galaxy
U. This entire universe
V. Other universes
W. God
X. Satan

2. My annual budget to attack and destroy my enemy, or enemies, is:

A. $1,000,000 per year (This is a Weephuckum & Howe LLP client minimum)
B. $5,000,0000 per year
C. $10,000,000 per year
D. $11,000,000 – $50,000,000 per year
E. $51,000,000 – $100,000,000 per year
F. Unlimited, money is no object

3. My tax exempt religious status is:

A. Bulletproof
B. Is presently being investigated by the authorities
C. We just lost it and need it back

4. Our religious leader is:

A. The most important ecclesiastical leader on the Planet
B. A strutting vainglorious, greedy, and brutal narcissist
C. Insane
D. Has good hair and can read a teleprompter as needed
E. Is long-winded and gives dozens of speeches each year that last 3-5 hours each
F. Thinks he is God or God’s exclusive agent on Earth
G. Has one wife
H. Has many wives
I. Has locked away his wife or wives
J. Has outstanding criminal warrants
K. Is on the run from the law
L. Is presently being investigated by law enforcement and/or government agencies
M. Is imprisoned but can still lead the movement from inside prison
N. Is imprisoned in solitary and is of no use to us
O. Is dead but our followers think he is alive and in seclusion
P. Has been kidnapped by our enemies
Q. Is dead and has a large memorial site that our followers visit regulalry
R. Is dead and missing and no one knows what happened
S. Is a dead martyr who was killed by the CIA, Interpol, SMERSH, etc. because he had the truth they wanted to hide
T. Is dead but our followers believe he will rise from the dead any day now

5. Our followers are:

A. Fanatical and will do anything required of them, and we mean anything
B. Docile sheep who will obediently do anything we order them to do
C. Lost in a self-indicting fog of delusion
D. Continually engaged in magical thinking
E. Indoctrinated in, and comfortable with, the thought-stopping, mind control, and hypnotic techniques we use on them
F. Largely criminal
G. Hopeless and in despair and given to bursting into tears
H. Bankrupt
I. All of the above

Our clergy is:

A. Captive and live in berthing, dormitories, monasteries, or other types of religious prisons
B. Hyper-aggressive in gouging every last penny from our members
C. Dazed and confused
D. Terrifying
E. Composed of mostly manipulative criminals
F. All of the above

Our PR is:

A. A complete lie that only our deluded followers will believe
B. Partially true but mostly full of lies, false statistics, and grossly exaggerated claims that we are the fastest growing religion in the world
C. Depressing
D. A reaction to all of the attacks on us on the internet
E. Professionally written and produced by an outside firm as we have no staff who can read or write coherently

Please get back to us soonest with the questionnaire after which we will formulate a reply and outline potential strategies that fit your exact requirements.

Note: Please be sure to include $50,000 in cash with your reply to pay our fee for this initial consultation.


E. Stuart Mills, Esq.

6 replies »

  1. I don’t get it. This is the same questionnaire used by the church’s lawyers now. Is it supposed to be different?


  2. Jeff,
    This is your absolute best. I’m actually slobbering uncontrollably all over myself, I can’t stop laughing my ass off!!

    Thanks bro, you make life better for all of us.


  3. I Love the our clergy part just shows how far we are from the good old days. And how much Mr Miscavige has been winning non stop since then.


  4. 4. Our religious leader is:

    Z. Making cuddle time with someone who is not his wife while cleverly evading pointed questions about his previous love-interest. (Could apply to Adolf Hitler, too)


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