LAPD: Shelly Miscavige Not a Missing Person

Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion today announced that the Los Angeles Police Department has concluded that Shelly Miscavige is not a missing person after all.

“This was a widespread misapprehension spread by bitter defrocked apostates,” Delusion remarked. “Factually, this was a non-story. ”

“The real story here is that the Church has once again successfully controlled a law enforcement agency and shut down an investigation that would have otherwise been troubling to COB RTC David Miscavige.” Delusion boldly asserted.

“The wog public fails to understand, once again, just how powerful the Church of Scientology is at a very high level,” Delusion boasted. “We have shut down FBI investigations on, beat human trafficking charges in court, and have fended off complaints about how we routinely violate child labor laws. The Church is  bulletproof because we spend our money in all the right places; that is what your donations buy.”

Delusion noted that, “What the Founder of Scientology wrote is true:

‘Somebody some day will say “this is illegal.”  By then be sure the orgs  say what is legal or not.’

“The Church of Scientology told the LAPD that Shelly is not missing and that is that. Our word is the law and LAPD uncritically accepts it as such. As wogs, they really have no other choice than to obey the Church of Scientology.”

“To conclude on more serious news, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige is briefing the US Senate on the correct use of the E-Meter for sec checking Senate staffers to see if they are leaking salacious things about Senators to the media.”

5 replies »

  1. I read some postings on a police blog “Rampart Blue Talk” dealing with this Shelly matter. According to the blog, when LA Police Sgt. Mike Stedenko first met Shelly, he was surprised she was a 4’6″ Filipino woman with rudimentary English skills. Her ID was verified by Mr. Miscavige and a “sexually ambiguous person” named Lou. Sgt. Stedenko noted that Mr. Miscavige continually interrupted the interview by gangster rapping Soft Cell’s “Tainted Love,” while Lou kept scratching his/her crotch and spitting. Sgt. Stedenko noted he/she may have played professional ball at one time or another. Following the interview, Mr. Miscavige offered to purchase 100 tickets to the LA Policeman’s Fall Cotillion. He also made a strange request, he wanted to meet the undercover officer who busted George Michael in the public restroom sting a few years ago. That request had something to do with a “Special Medal of Valor” he wanted to present.


  2. Ivanmapother: Murky details on the “Rampart Blue Talk” blog to be sure, but they are nevertheless substantially true. The “fake photos” of Shelly Miscavige out there on the lunatic fringe of the internet depict a Caucasian English-speaking woman whom we’ve never seen and don’t recognize. We in RTC did a survey and no one in the entire Church of Scientology has ever seen this woman so she is obviously and impostor.

    And while “Mail Order Bride” is such a misunderstood and demeaning term, the fact is that way back then before he was COB, Mr. Miscavige was a short, shy, and gawky young man with acne and anger problems whom only a Filipina mail order bride could love.

    Dave and the real Shelly do all sorts of things together. Recently they dropped by a local eatery in Los Angeles to enjoy a delicious meal of adobo and bulalo, after which they went to the local Cineplex to watch After Earth.


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