President Obama Orders Scientology Sec Checks for CIA and US Military Leaders

Given the recent controversy with high-ranking generals going “out 2D” — which in wog language means having sexual relations outside of marriage — President Obama today signed a multimillion dollar contract authorizing the Church of Scientology to perform mandatory sec checks on senior US military officers and CIA officials.

“We have 100% certainty that Scientology’s copyrighted sec checking technology will help the President put in Ethics on the US Military and the CIA,” said Fleet Admiral David Miscavige as he demonstrated sec checking to members of the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence.

Fleet Admiral David Miscavige demonstrates e-metered sec checks to the US Senate Select Committee on Intelligence

Under the President’s new program, high ranking military generals and CIA officials will be asked these sorts of questions from standard Church of Scientology sec checks:

Are you a pervert?
Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
Have you ever smothered a baby?
Have you ever enslaved a population?
Have you ever destroyed a culture?
Have you ever torn out someone’s tongue?
Have you ever zapped anyone?
Have you ever eaten a human body?
Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?
Are you guilty of any major crimes in this lifetime?
Have you been sent here knowingly to injure Scientology?
Are you or have you ever been a Communist?
Have you ever embezzled money?
Have you ever been a drug addict?
Do you hope you won’t be found out?
Do you think there is anything wrong with having your privacy invaded?
What do you wish you hadn’t done?
Are you upset by this security check?
“We can trust sensitive issues of national security to the Church of Scientology,” commented Senator Saxby Chambliss, “because the Church is the most ethical group on the planet.”
Sec checks are slated to begin at the Pentagon tomorrow. Former CIA Director David Petraeus will be grilled for several hours by RTC sec checkers who will ask him hard-hitting questions such as, “Have you ever had anything to do with a baby farm?”
“Once we have sec checked senior officials,” Fleet Admiral Miscavige noted, “we expect to find that all of them are List 1 Rock Slammers who are secretly employed by Psychiatry. They will accordingly be turned over to RTC for prosecution.”
During a White House press conference, Vice President Joe Biden  agreed that the Church of Scientology offered, “the best way to handle this gross out ethics situation with top military leaders and CIA officials.” 
“The Church of Scientology will find their crimes and America will be more sane as a result,” concluded  Dr. Horton Digby Smathers, the White House Director of Scientological Processing.

29 replies »

  1. Have you ever used the terms: little, short, shorty, small, stumpy, half-pint, squat, pigmy, midget, mini, micro, picanyo, sawed off or sub-stature?

    Do you think Tom Cruise is dreamy?

    What’s your favorite Tom Cruise movie?

    What’s your net worth?

    Liza or Babs?


  2. Do you have a habit of referring to yourself in the third person plural?

    Are you infatuated with twee details like gold braid, big medallions, and burlwood accessories?

    Did you exile your 2D to a distant CST outpost, in order to engage in out-ethics “merging tracks” with your assistant?

    Are you asthmatic?

    Did your father recently turn his back on you?

    Are you paranoid, or are they really out to get you?

    Do you have unnatural relations with dogs, dressing them up and allowing them to issue orders?

    Do you know that tanning beds cause skin cancer?

    Can I have some scotch?



      Stop your backflashing! We in RTC are the ones who ask questions that others must answer.

      We hasten to remind one and all that Scientologists are the authorities on mental health, literacy, crime, and using the Tech to unenturbulate the Fourth dynamic engram that holds this entire agonized planet in its psych clutches.

      Only we in the Church of Scientology can truly help and that is why we allow no backflash from anyone. Accordingly, we must now bring in Admiral Tom Cruise to put in Ethics on all SP’s who are backflashing we in RTC:


      • PS CV: Fleet Admiral Miscavige does not have “unnatural relations with dogs” as you allege.

        Emperor Caligula made his horse a senator.

        It is perfectly normal for certain rare and exceptional world leaders to have telepathic relations with equally exceptional animals who are capable of leadership positions. To this point, there is no policy in the Tech against COB delegating Sea Org command authority to his dog. At least COB’s dog will never betray him as have so many bitter defrocked apostates.

        If you understood COB, you would know that he is a BIG BEING who can get in telepathic comm with all beings on all dynamics. COB often walks around Int Base late at night talking to animals, ghosts, Mahatma Ghandi, greys, and a lot of other beings. COB has thousands of voices in his universe you see.


      • Oh, well, if Caligula did it, I guess I stand corrected. He was a model of effective, sober leadership!

        As for Tom Cruise, one question: why no hair and makeup for this TV appearance? Was this some sort of corrective action for the COB RTC’s BFF? That lank hair and those giant bags under his eyes — Tom looks like hell.

        What did you in the RTC do to Admiral Cruise?

        Do you in the RTC secretly envy him?

        Are you trying to destroy his career and personal life?

        Does Admiral Cruise still look good in tightie-whities, à la Risky Business?

        Can I have some scotch? Laphroaig 25?


    • We in RTC would like to meet you as well. The best way to meet us is to donate $15,000,000 to become a Patron Super Fantasticus. COB will shake your hand, give you a trophy, and have a photo taken with you at a special dinner aboard The Freewinds.


  3. Knowledge Report

    I would like to report the spreading of entheta, by the two screaming implanted squirrels above, to you in RTC. They insist on joking and degrading on this theta site, while the rest of the world comes to this site to learn and hear the truth. They have crossed the line by attempting to besmirch the reputation of the ecclesiastical leader of the World’s fastest growing religion of 10 million followers world wide! It is in no doubt a futile attempt to stop the massive unprecedented world wide expansion!

    I will not be reasonable with such behavior, nor the the effect of such suppression.

    These crims assert that Fleet Admiral Miscavige’s behavior in some way is abnormal- when in reality, he is the SOURCE of what normal is!

    These individuals have repeatedly been dramatizing their evil purposes, and are most likely List 1 Rock Slammers, who need their withholds pulled and their ethics put in!

    For the record-
    There is NOTHING wrong with grown men religiously tanning. NOTHING!!!!
    There is NOTHING wrong about dressing your dog up, and allowing them to issue orders. NOTHING!!! Everyone does this, and it is completely normal. If these individuals were not so far out of PT, they would be able to see this for themselves.

    These SP’s don’t realize the case gain obtained from bankrupting yourself for the IAS, nor the TA action from excessive scotch drinking, and beating your work colleagues.

    Perhaps they would like to join Shelly at the “Religious Retreat” until they duplicate this reality fully.

    There is NOTHING wrong with grown men tanning! NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is completely NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They can not see this because they are SP’s!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    This is true.

    No Case on Post.


    • Dear No Case On Post: You are highly commended for your on source, accurate, truthful write up. We in RTC will hereby notify HCO that your Ethics file is cleared. All of your past transgressions are gone and you shine as a true OT standing at the vanguard of Planetary Clearing by helping we in RTC obliterate squirreling in all its forms.

      Scientologists like you make COB RTC David Miscavige proud, for he knows you have his back as he speaks to world leaders and world political bodies. COB knows that you will write the KR’s that keep we in RTC informed of all criminal activity in your area and sector.

      Recently, COB spoke to the US Senate on the dangers of squirreling the Tech and urged passage of tougher new laws that would protect all Americans from terrorist jokers and degraders and squirrels. The Senate gave COB a record six hour standing ovation and passed, by a unanimous vote of 100 to 0, a set of laws designed to crush psychs, squirrels, and SP’s. The House agreed and the President will sign these new laws into immediate effect in an Oval Office ceremony next week.

      And yes, COB RTC David Miscavige needs all Scientologists to keep writing KR’s so that OSA can help the FBI round up and lock away those who would make a mockery of the Church of Scientology.

      November, 2012: COB RTC David Miscavige speaks to the US Senate on the dangers of squirreling the Tech and the risk squirreling poses to America.


      • FYI- you posted in the above picture that David Miscavige was speaking to the US Senate, when in reality it was a joint session of Congress considering that the Vice President and Speaker of the House is behind him. This was most likely from the State of the Union Address and not a from addressing the Senate. I am surprised that RTC has such inaccuracies and generalizations.


      • NO OU812 NO!

        As the Fleet Admiral of the Sea Organization, David Miscavige is globally recognized as a military leader and is therefore given the honor of a joint session of Congress whenever he speaks on the Hill.

        82% of US Congresspersons are Scientologists — as are their constituents. The US Congress is thus vitally interested in protecting the Church of Scientology as the Church is the glue that holds society together. Congresspeople also seek to curry favor with Fleet Admiral Miscavige in hopes of scoring front row seats to Chill EB’s next rap concert.

        For his part, Fleet Admiral Miscavige and his forces continually monitor threats against America, particularly the threat of Psychiatry as it seeks to spread its lies that mental illness exists; that homosexuality is normal; and that humans evolved from mud.

        The US Congress wants none of this nonsense, for the US Congress knows with great certainty that all human problems can only be solved by religious answers; that homosexuals are evil and that gayness can be cured by religion; and that because a Big Thetan called God created our universe we did not evolve from monkeys.

        That is what is true for the US Congress.


  4. Do you punch people for no reason?

    Do you squirrel the tech just to squeeze money from parishioners?

    Do you have a crush on Tom Cruise?

    Is your wife missing for no apparent reason?

    Are you hiding from process servers?

    Are you buying empty buildings for no reason?


    • jgg2012. you realize your contant questions are eventually going to make the RTC explode..
      Oh yeah…I will shut up..
      Carry on.


      • BTN, we appreciate you pointing out that jgg2012’s incessant questions enturbulate we in RTC. We in RTC know that jgg2012 came here to Earth with evil purposes. This person never comes here to avail themselves of the Tech, but rather only to spread entheta.

        A true Scientologist would never dare question anything we in RTC write. What we write is true and on source 100% of the time.


  5. Hey you squirrels, pipe down with your made-up phony sec check questions!

    All of the questions referenced by OTVIIIisGrrr8! at the top of this post are genuine 100% Standard LRH sec check tech. From RTC we expect nothing less.

    Your inability to tell the difference between genuine red-on-white vs. squirrel fakery proves your eternity is hanging by a thread. Report at once to the Cramming Officer.


    • Lulz, most of us dip shits have figured out that OTVIII is:
      1: Either still in and privy to fucking everything!
      hmmm….havent figured out ‘OR’ yet.


    • “Your inability to tell the difference between genuine red-on-white vs. squirrel fakery proves your eternity is hanging by a thread. Report at once to the Cramming Officer.”

      Ooooh! that sounds kinda kinky! I just knew those in the RTC didn’t wear those awesome uniforms for no reason! Is the Cramming Officer OTVIIIisGrrr8? If so, I am sooooo there and sporting my LRH issued Sea Org Hot pants as well. How bout it OTVIIIisGrrr8? Got any time for Cramming with your favorite groupie? (that would be me)


  6. Are you homophobic?

    Do you have difficulty taking criticism?

    Are you sensitive about your height?

    Do you avoid public appearences?

    Have you avoided paying income taxes?

    Do you make alterations in sacred texts?

    Are you obsessed with celebrities?


  7. Are you secretive?

    Do you harbor fear or anger toward an entire profession?

    Do you feel that someone is conspiring to hurt you?

    Have you alienated subordinates?

    Do you feel that you are superior to most people?

    Are you from another planet?

    Do you spy on others?

    Do you practice medicine without a license?

    Have you ever engaged in bullbaiting?


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